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Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 / 7:29 a.m. ~I Survived to Tell the Tale~ I am a creature of habit, seldom enjoying the "shaking it up" of years past. Each morning, Monday through Friday, I wake at 6:45 a.m., watch fifteen minutes of the local CBS affiliate's morning show, which is insipid and excruciating, so challenging, I suppose, and yet I will only tune in to this channel, then the CBS "Early Show", same channel, with my pals Harry Smith, Maggie Rodriguez, Dave Price, Russ Mitchell, and ever rotund Julie Chen (currently with child, and very large hair as always), etc. On the former show, there is a weather "personality", i.e. "meteorologist", appropriately morning-style PERKY as all get out, but cute as a virginal little button, though married recently, I do believe, one of those women who is always referred to as a girl, and yet this one is not blonde, but of very dark hair, beautiful shiny hair, and may have some sort of certificate of knowledge about weather patterns and air flows, or some such, but generally tells the folks in the viewing audience whether or not we need our umbrellas, or perhaps jackets on any given day. Never does she say "coat", and I think this is some regional affectation or other, though I've not been able to place her accent - I'm thinking Midwest, maybe Illinois. 15 degrees on the Fahrenheit scale, and we might want to grab a "jacket". Chance of rain, sure, usually, so have that umbrella handy as we walk out the door, so she says. I look out the window, I look at her shiny hair and perky smile, and I think, sure, okay, I'll take it. I never open it. Ah, here is where my story begins! Lately, oh, lately, she is right! The deluge is upon us! The wrath of Mother Nature! The floods of hell! Are there floods in hell? Is there rain in hell? Are there perky "meteorologists" in hell? What about shiny hair and cute as a virginal button (?) smiles? Cute virginal women who appear as girls in little tight shirts, and dresses that look a lot like French maid uniforms? Most of this week we've had this rain, we've been inundated with it, and my new office at work has no windows, and I am in it, mostly, and seldom see the light of day, or the rain, or the trees or sky, or have any use at all to open the umbrella I carry with me each day, but on occasion I hear it. I HEAR it, as it is torrential, as described. This is no exaggeration. HARD rain, like REALLY hard rain, like REALLY HARD RAIN, like could it rain any harder?!, rain, and for a really long time. Sort of scary a long time, like, is this okay, this long hard rain? Won't there be repercussions? Mudslides? Trees uprooted? Roads washed away? Bridges washed away? PEOPLE washed away? Can we hold on? Do we need to build that Ark? And I am not kidding. Each species, two by two? Oh, far too many for that... but then again, with species depletion, sure, it might be doable. On to my story... Yesterday I had a meeting outside the office, and I HEARD the rain, remember? I can HEAR it! I told the coworkers, no, I cannot possibly. I brought the sneakers just for this instance, lacking rubber rain boots and waders, but still, no, I said, I simply cannot step out in it. And then, sure enough, it stopped. I drove, though the meeting was close enough to walk, fearing another downpour, and took umbrella, though did not have to open it. As is typical. Ha ha, Mother Nature, take that! Screw you! I beat the rain, nah nah nah nah nah nah! Yeah, I set myself up. So, knowing today would be my first of several mandated days off, due to poor budget planning on the part of the "State", or pocket lining on the part of the "State", or some such, without the PAY, I decided to drop by the store all the hep cats now boycott, and load up on stupid expensive organic and natural items, stocking my larder a bit, and hence having SOMETHING TO EAT, silly me for thinking, dropped off my recycling in back on the way in, and looking up at the sky (Bob and I don't need a weatherman [or woman who will always be called a girl] to know which way the wind blows), grabbed my umbrella, thinking maybe it would be raining when I left with my canvas bags filled with goodies. Hah! Ha ha ha ha ha! HAAAAA!!!! HAAAAA!!!!!! First time in my life, really, I gave it some thought and came to this conclusion, first time in my life!, no lie!, I left the store just as the steady rain which had apparently started not long after I entered the food emporium began to increase to torrential downpour status, and tenuously holding my umbrella (OPEN!) over me, and not the cart filled with groceries, pushed on ahead, but the wind came, and the rain fell harder, no, the rain assaulted, pummeled, abused, and on a slight incline, the cart would not hold still, and each time I lifted a bag (packed with no attention to the fact that a human would have to CARRY it at some point - thanks, Mr. Bagger Dude!) and tried to load it in the car, the cart slipped away... So, I was trying to hold the umbrella open, load the bags quickly, and hold the cart with my foot so that it did not crash into my vehicle, nor make its way back to the store, due to slight incline and a wind that whipped rather insolently and maliciously, and not really succeeding. By the time I realized I needed to go to the other side of the car to load more (I need to utilize the back of the car - why must I always save that area like it's a closet only, for storage, and think I can only use the back seats?), the rain was harder, yes, if you can imagine, harder even, and the umbrella was becoming nothing but a hindrance to this entire process. Never, in my life, did I mention? This had never happened, and yet how is that? How can one live so long without getting caught in this exact situation? Two full canvas bags, and three or four paper, as I sort of bought a bit more than planned, and this store does not use the plastic, which is great, but paper, when wet? It sort of loses its functionality, especially this recycled brown stuff, that's all fibrous and everything. One of the canvas bags fell from my hands, crashed to the pavement, and I quickly tried to remember what I had purchased, not remembering the glass bottle of maple syrup until I was driving away... no, it was in the other canvas bag... sitting smack dab on a river with pavement below, box of flax waffles hitting the same river with pavement below. The cart began to plea for its life, spare me!, spare me!, it shouted, and pulled away from me, trying to go back inside, and the umbrella blew, so I closed it, and there I was, wet, picking up waffles from the river, and canvas bag, and recycled paper brown bags, and finally it was all loaded, and I put the cart in a lonely parking lot holding pen, where it turned to look at me, shaking its fist and shouting, SCREW YOU, I HOPE THIS RAIN IS THE END OF YOU!, as I got into my car and thought, never, this has never happened, like, ever, but strangely... I was calm. All the way home, I drove quickly but cautiously, thinking never, this has never happened, it is really raining hard, why is it raining THIS hard?, this is crazy, this is really sort of frightening. And I got to the parking lot at home, noticing yesterday's fallen tree was no longer visible as lying across the top of the newish looking red car, and there were, surprisingly, several available parking spaces, and one even semi-close to my apartment, and yet, no people were visible, as there usually are, no foreign men shouting on cell phones in some undecipherable language, as usual. I parked and the rain fell harder, and I am really not kidding about any of this, this is all 100% real and true, and it was time to finish things up, carry all these five or six, and I think it was six, two canvas and sturdy, but now very wet bags, and the others this recycled paper that does not want to be wet, and was falling apart very quickly, up to my 2nd floor apartment, across the river that was the parking lot, no, the lake, the pond, each footstep into a puddle, one large pond-like puddle, and driving rain that blew and pounded, umbrella open, one bag at a time, sixteen steps up, after the traverse across the wetland. Open the door, plop a bag, apologize to felines for being so terribly late, and think, never, this has never happened, and how is that?, how have I avoided rain each time I shop for foodstuffs?, and back down for another, seeing some humor overall, and feeling wholly dedicated to the process, yet smirking at the irony, and the absurdity. Bags in, and wishing someone could have assisted, seen me struggling, especially the boycotted food emporium parking lot incident with insolent shopping cart and insolent wind and driving rain, and struggle, and flax waffles on the river with pavement below. Once in, shoes off, bags with newly gaping holes thrown in garbage instead of saved for holding future recyclables, useless reusable recycled paper bags, and canvas bags added to laundry pile, cats fed, foodstuffs put in appropriate kitchen locations, all was well. And naturally... the rain stopped. I am a creature of habit, but I think I handled this rather unexpected and totally unprecedented event rather well, as there really was no alternative. And now? I can say it has been done. The experience has been had. No more never in my life. I have loaded and unloaded groceries in near hurricane conditions, flood of the century conditions, and survived to tell the tale. Cost of the War in Iraq
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