Sunday, Sept. 14, 2003 / 8:47 p.m.

~Why Are You Reading This, Anyway~

Another totally wasted weekend. Was it even a weekend? Were there two whole days, and three whole nights? Gone now. And I accomplished nothing. Unless sleeping and dreaming and sitting in front of this computer can be considered accomplishments.

In one of my dreams I recognized the sameness of my day to day existence and I came to hate it.

In another I was at a taping of the Letterman show, and Martin Short was requested to impersonate Dana Carvey, but no one could think of a Dana Carvey character, until someone said "The Church Lady", so Martin walked around on one foot in front of the other, on a carpeted sort of runway around the studio, leaving black footprints as he went.

I saw a lonely looking older woman, tall and thin, in the front row, noticed she was there alone, thought I could have been there alone as well. But I was with Marlo Thomas (as I just watched a Biography of the show on the channel of the same name, the show being "That Girl", last night), and she and I were sharing a Manhattan hotel room, but she left to give a ride to a couple and their friend, out to Long Island. She looked so miserable, and I wondered why she'd do it. I was the last to leave the Ed Sullivan Theatre, and I turned to the darkened stage, said, "Goodbye, David Letter Man, I love you!"

I'd initially awakened before 9:00, decided it was too early for a weekend, went back to sleep until almost 2:00, Gladys at my side.

And I've become increasingly angry and frustrated, and ultimately furious with myself because I got ripped off on Ebay. The seller finally responded to my emails, wanted to know if indeed I'd asked for combined shipping.

I've learned, in my life, that courtesy is not common, nor is sense. So 'common courtesy' and 'common sense' are nearly oxymoronic phrases and should not be used under any circumstances, and I've been taught both, sense and courtesy, in my upbringing, but I find I'm alone in that.

If someone bought from me two items, and paid shipping separately, for both, high fees both, and I shipped the items together, less hassle for me, cheaper for me, I'd refund the money for one of the shipping charges. It would seem 'wrong' not to. But I have morals, ethics, values that I adhere to, and apparently no one else does.

At least not sellers on Ebay.

I've never paid $16 for shipping on anything, ever, in my entire life, and I've been ordering through the mail since I was a child. No lie. I even recently ordered a record player, in a huge box, and the shipping was $12.95, on an item costing $119.95. Now you tell me how a mug, a fucking MUG, and a ceramic salt and pepper shaker set, sent in a box just big enough to contain a curled up Gladys, should merit a shipping (even if you add the odd and unknown 'handling') fee of $16!

So, I'm obsessing, and I got on a discussion board at Ebay and had people chew me a new asshole, because I'm a sucker for that sort of thing, and finally I walked away, and I keep trying to watch television, but I keep coming back to this computer, like it holds the answers to all of life's questions, but I don't even know what those questions are anymore.

And I'd really like to know why 99.5 per cent of all downloads, or uploads, of my MP3s on KaZaA end up 'aborted'. Is it something I'm doing wrong? Does it take too long to access my files?

The seller asks me if I asked for combined shipping, says he'll look at my shipping fees and see if I paid twice, and if I did he'll refund my money, but I doubt it. Fuck Ebay, I'm never buying anything there again, really. I'm such an idiot. I am. I'm just stupid and naive and too trusting, and a sucker and I get shit on, and this is my life.

And I sit here in front of this computer, never leaving my apartment, all weekend, almost every weekend, because I have no life. I go to work to earn money to pay my bills, like the Interweb bill so I can be online, here, now, and I come home, and I watch TV, and that's it. This is my life.

And why are you reading this???? Freak!

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