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Friday, Oct. 18, 2002 / 11:23 p.m. ~Another Update Further~ A little take on "Another Mother Further", you know, Mother's Finest. You know, right? Regardless. My monitor seems jumpy, the image seems to fade in and out. I know it's not me. I'm reading my diary. Ever do that? So much is here, it's like a book, and some of it is good, some really takes me back, not that it's been that long, but then again, yes it has. I was reading this entry about meeting James because it's one of my favorites. And it's so confusing even I have to concentrate to keep it all in line as I read. But what a day that was, and I've dreamed of Skipper since. I never called him, I never called to see if his cancer returned. And Jon kept me on his mailing list for a while, to update me of future art parties, but I had him remove me..... and James? The boy I met and swooned over? Nothing ever happened. But I read this entry about Jon too, about the night we met, when he kissed me, all the while telling me how great it was, my crush on James, how good he and I would be together. And later Jon told me he was only trying to make me feel better, with that kiss. That he saw me as some supremely unhappy person, and that's why we couldn't date. I saw him at the FOX this Summer, we acknowledged one another with movements of our heads, little nods, his down, mine up, and that was that. I felt a nasty welling up of venom upon seeing him. A real hatred, horrible to feel that way, but I did. And sometimes I like to go back one year, see what I wrote a year ago, what was I feeling then, was I in the same place as now, or was it totally different, and I found this entry about a dream I had. A dream about finding love, a sort of perfection in love. I don't mind going back, sometimes, I write journals to read later, for what other purpose could it all be? I only started because I saw someone had looked up 'masturbation + kiss' on Google and read about my date with Jon. I had to read it too. My cough has abated. When it comes now it's dry. That phlegmy cough is gone, the cough is gone, altogether. The Thrashers lost 8-5. "Soylent Green" is on, but my digital cable looks static-y. I need to call the Cable people, but I dread it. They always sound sort of clueless, and I have to persuade them that whatever problem I'm having is in fact real and valid. Besides, I know that SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!! I don't think I've ever watched the whole movie, I've just seen the end. Bits of the middle. Lots of screaming in this movie. It's on. Gladys is watching it in the bedroom. Norman is here, she follows me from room to room. I bet they love that I'm not coughing so much anymore. I know I do. I think all these 'romantic' horoscopes are getting to me. It's the Moon in Aries stuff, the Full Moon in Aries stuff. Talk of romance and love and yada and yada too. Reading about Jon and James and Skipper and Sandy. Thinking about men, again. I try not to, I shut it all off, but then it comes bursting through, again, and I remember how I've been, what person I used to be, what I am capable of, and part of me wants all that again. The thing with me, and the men. We'll see. That's all I can say. There's no one in my life right now, so it would have to be someone new, and he remains to be met. Although, if James were to appear, and say he were to tell me that he felt any of what I felt upon meeting him, well, that would be something, yes? Meanwhile, I feel I'm ready to log off this thing for the night. I think I've updated all I can update. There is nothing more to know, not now, not today, not tonight. The rest remains to be seen, but there is a lot here already, isn't there? It's semi amazing, in fact. Cost of the War in Iraq
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