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Thursday, Oct. 31, 2002 / 11:01 p.m. ~A Scary Day Indeed~ Well this is really great. I just read that sudden dizziness can be a sign of a stroke and I should have called 911 immediately. And the 'new boy' laughed at me. He laughed because I laughed at myself, days ago, telling him I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. But as I told Mark, I never lie about my symptoms, I merely joke by diagnosing myself with the most terrible sickness imaginable. I think it calms me down. I think if I imagine I have some horrible disease it does make me laugh, it makes me see that really I'm healthy as a horse, even when I'm sick. The day started out badly. I was on the highway, traveling about 65 to 70 mph, when I lost acceleration. I saw white smoke in my rearview, coming from my car. The car started sputtering. I turned on my hazard lights, then I reached my exit, I turned, I downshifted, I stopped at the light, I accelerated fine, I made it to work. I thought I had enough gas. I'm good at gauging how much farther I can go. In all my years of driving, since I was 13 years old, I've never run out of gas, but I think that's all that was happening. I have a bad fuel pump and carburetor, I've known this for three years, at least, and that's what it was. I have to have a lot of gas in the tank to keep up the pressure, to keep the valve open, or whatever. I don't know what time it was that it hit me. 11:00ish? Sudden dizziness. Overwhelming. I told the 'new boy', told him not to be surprised if I don't make it back from lunch because I have to get gas immediately and there may not be enough in the tank to get me to the station, I may have to get out and walk if the car stalls, I may fall over and hit my head when I pass out on the side of the road. And I could really see it happening. I was afraid. For the second time in as many weeks, or more, I was angry at my body. I didn't understand it failing me. It lasted. I had to put my head down. I had to hold my chin, I had to put my head on my arm on my desk. I got up to walk just to see if I could. I was talking to Mark about this or that, about his IP address, his host domain appearing as a chocolate company, or a guitarist, or a bogus art company, and I told him. He was immediately worried and I wasn't used to that. To someone actually giving a fuck about anything I say. It's rare. But he cares, usually, too much mostly. This time I needed someone to know, to worry a bit. Not to prod me or push me or tell me I have to do this or that, rush to a doctor, and I NEVER would've called 911, but to suggest that it may be 'something'. Serious. To pay attention to what I was saying and not blow me off. I'm thinking now that occasionally I am dizzy. This is not the first time. But the suddenness started yesterday before we left work for our dinner out. Late afternoon I felt it, not as bad, but I felt it. I decided I had low blood sugar, I needed to eat. But it didn't feel like a low blood sugar 'attack', not at all. There was no weakness, just dizziness. And today there was nausea too. I really was afraid I'd not be able to function. I made it to get gas. I made it home to eat leftover authentic Italian pizza, with Italian ham, similar to prosciutto (Cotto?), artichokes, really good briny olives, chunky mozzarella, wood burning oven baked crust. I ate and watched the beginning of "Strangers On a Train". I sat on the sofa and wanted to stay there. I made it back to work, I put my head on my desk, I looked sideways at stationary objects, trying to steady myself. Mark said it's inner ear, it's my equilibrium. I think I've been more scared than anything. And it's easy to begin to worry about ageing. To think I'm going to die one day, and I won't know when. I'll be alone. I'll be in debt if it's an illness. I've seen hospital bills. I saw my grandmother, my mother, my father, all die of long debilitating illnesses, cancer ravaging their bodies. I've seen the bills, I really have. I've opened them after the fact, after he or she or she is already dead and gone. The money must be paid. The neurologist, the anesthesiologist, the internist, the list goes on. Even with health insurance. There's a deductible, there's more after the insurance company is finished. My father's life savings was depleted. My brother and I inherited the house, the proceeds from its sale. Nothing more. All that my father had invested, put aside for us, POOF! Gone to men who probably just paid off their student loans.......... I'm sure I'm fine. At least I keep telling myself that. I don't feel quite right at this moment. Oh, the cough is all but gone, the throat clearing continues, but it's not bad. All of that is forgotten for this new development. WebMD.com said stroke, and it's only one of five symptoms. I'll research inner ear next. The first illness which popped up on the search for 'sudden dizziness'??? Heart attack. Gee. I'm sure I'm fine, she says to no one in particular. No, I don't want your advice. I don't want you to talk about how I should really have health insurance. I know how I feel about doctors. I'm a grown woman. I'm independent and responsible. If anything, I'm a self healer, I read, I research, I'd seek holistic healing before I'd run to an ER. I'd see an herbologist, an acupuncturist, but NOT a chiropractor, before I'd visit the free clinic. I can figure this out. Or not. But it's my choice. I don't want advice. I'm not writing this for sympathy or advice. I'm writing it because it's what happened today. It was a scary day, that's all. I never bought candy. If I buy it the trick or treaters don't knock on my door, if I don't, they do. I didn't, they did. Maybe only four or five times, but finally I felt really guilty, like I was cheating them. I sat and watched my shows, my big Thursday shows, my "Felicity", my "Survivor", "CSI", and the always popular "ER", which is still good, despite me constantly thinking they should just let it go. Now, I'm exhausted, and I'm a bit dizzy. I even considered concussion. I was remembering the roller coasters at Six Flags (and Mark and I had free passes to go back tonight, but neither of us was into it), how on the one my neck snapped, how on the other my head hit the over the shoulder safety bar, how on the boomerang coaster I became disoriented and highly nauseous, the last one hurt my breasts, my neck, my back. I got my period that day, I got sick in the days following, I never even felt cramps because all my attention was focused on my head, my sinuses....... Now this. It made me think of that hockey player on our team, the one who was out for months with 'concussion-like symptoms', how we made fun of him because hockey players are supposed to be tough. How we made fun of Lindros, saying he had a crystal skull, or his brain had turned to mush. Push the guy with your pinkie and he lands on his head, gets a concussion. I don't know. A doctor might. A doctor would say she doesn't know, she needs to run some tests, she needs an X-ray, she needs some blood, she needs a 'workup', a history.... and I see dollar signs, health insurance or not. Not yet. We'll see. Now, rumour has it Jerry Seinfeld will be on Letterman, or was that last night??? Cost of the War in Iraq
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