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Saturday, Dec. 07, 2002 / 5:33 p.m. ~Bad Water, Political Uprisings, and Smoke In the Water~ I didn't purposefully not update here yesterday. But I feel a certain guilt at lack of commitment, to myself, any time I don't update. I wrote elsewhere. And I was tired, so tired. I've been thinking about how my job simply wears me out, the personal interactions, the constant policing of my actions, my words, by me, only me, and the paranoia that causes it. And the obligation to perform, to actually do a good job, in spite of however I feel about the work, or the job. I care. I care far too much, about everything, the work, the people, all people, and what they think of me, what I think of them, it goes on. It's exhausting. Being too aware, too emotional, too sentient, is draining. Today I slept. And dreamed, and dreamed, and tossed, and awoke with searing pain in my neck. I switched pillows before getting in bed last night, and maybe that was it, I'm not sure. I have the headache still, now, but it comes and goes, it sort of throbs, I suppose. I just get myself accustomed to the sensation, then a stabbing pain comes, then it goes. I'm waiting to have food in my stomach before I take Tylenol. I feel like there was something specific I wanted to say when I came here to write just now, but it's eluding me. One thing is a letter sent to the editor of the free weekly, in which the writer tells of a large and ever-growing anti-war movment, visible on the WWW, disorganized, but passionate, vocal, and how this movement is going to rise up, and soon. And no one will believe just how large it is. I will. I believe it. Qwert alluded to it in my guestbook, and I find dissension everywhere I go online, almost. There is so much out there, so many splinter groups, and the IAC (International Action Center) is organizing daily. The latest email from them is telling of major demonstrations on the day of any large scale attack on Iraq, letting people know to prepare. Another organization, a local one, positively, idealistically, perhaps naively, lets us know we CAN stop this war. And I applaud the sentiment, but cynically I doubt. And in Bangladesh people were in the cinema, celebrating the end to their Ramadan fasting, perhaps preparing to gorge on popcorn and Cokes, I don't know, but they lost their lives, or their limbs, in a bomb blast, in several bomb blasts. Religious wars, they will never end, will they? They are as old as civilization itself. I firmly believe, the cynical me writes, that as long as there are differences amongst us, any, there will be those who wish to snuff out the ones who differ from them. Hitler. Bin Laden. Khomeini. Hussein. Milosevic. Maybe Bush? My hands are cold. My feet are developing sores from wearing socks all the time. They don't like the constraint. Yes, my feet have free will, and that will is being broken by circumstance, cold temperatures. I'm obsessing about my tap water, my drinking water. The smell is not going away. And I heard a 'teaser' for the 11:00 news Thursday night, then didn't stay tuned to see/hear the story, but it was about a local community with cancer causing agents found in the tap water. When I told the 'new boy', he said yes, he heard that, and it was in my county. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not, and I got really worried, but was too tired to stop for bottled water at the store. Today when I got up I was thirsty, I drank from my glass beside my bed, and I could only think of what may be happening to me as I drink. I swirled, I analyzed flavor, I smelled the glass, I drank. And I washed dishes, I smelled, I worried, not panicking, but worrying, and I need to go out and buy bottled, but I'm not dressed, I'm not ready to be seen by the public, and yet I thirst, I want water. I honestly simply resent that I can't drink freely from the tap. Listerine called them a couple days ago, and they (the water company) claimed she was the only complaint they received (her water comes from the same source, as does the water at work.... where I smelled the same smell as I washed my hands my first day back on the job after vacation). We both shook our heads, said that can't be, and questioned why they would lie. I keep waiting for it to be okay, I let it run, I smell, but it's not getting better. I went to the news channel's web site, trying in vain to find the story that would have accompanied that 'teaser'. I went to the local paper's web site, nothing. I looked up 'smoke odor in drinking water' on the web, nothing pertaining to what I want, other than the tests the water companies perform to check sewer lines. Is that it? Why is it lasting so long? The 'new boy' pointed out that even after I use good smelling soap (my Kiss My Face aromatherapy patchouli body wash), I rinse in that smoky water. I must smell like it. Aaaiiiiieeeeee!!!!! I don't need a new thing to worry about. I'm too sensitive for this shit. I dreamed I was telling someone else I love him. I think this is a recurring theme, of sorts, in my dreams. The "I Love You" dream. It was a character in my soap, in "Guiding Light". He was down, he was away from his wife, and on the soap he is, definitely, and wants to get back with her, but can't, very long story, but in the dream I was the one he was with instead, and we weren't having sex, and I suggested we have a night, we have a date or something, time for just the two of us, and I let him know I care, I do love him. It was totally selfless. Hmmmmmm. My Saturday begins late, but I will accomplish this or that. The main thing, the main goal, should be getting to the store, so very close by, and buying some water to drink so I can stop worrying. One jug for the cats, one or three for me. I can relax a bit then. And maybe I should give in and call someone, the apartments, the water company, anyone, on Monday if it still persists. I'm not kidding, it's bad, I lean in to check if it's still there, that 'odor', and I have to lean back, step back, it makes me feel ill just to smell it. It's hard to describe, but mostly it smells like smoke. Cost of the War in Iraq
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