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Tuesday, Jun. 10, 2003 / 9:57 p.m. ~As Cool As I Can Be~ One of my coworkers has horrible menstrual cramps - what's it called?, dysmenorrhea? - so I offered to take her in some Kava tomorrow, and in the interest of scientific research, or not wanting to give her something I haven't tried (but I have, it's just been a while), I took some myself, tonight, hoping it might also work on a headache that is part pain, part nausea. I feel relaxed alright, muscles are loose and good, but not in my neck or my head, and the possible 'migraine' is still there. I feel sleepy too. I'm sure it works for cramps, so I'll take it to her tomorrow anyway. Poor thing, she says it's always been like this, it's hereditary, she's been to doctors, taking The Pill didn't help, etc. I told her to try different doctors, to try different Pills, there are so many combinations, I hate to see anyone suffer, so regularly especially, but she shook her head. She's used to 7 days of pain every month, but how horrible to be used to that. I have no tolerance right now. Not with G's after dinner yowling, not with the cat hair on the carpet, nor the litter underfoot, nor the warmish/cool air emanating from the ceiling vents. 10:00 at night and it's in the 80s outside. Inside? Just under that. The air in here is still 75 or higher, it won't get cooler, and there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. There is nothing I can do. I feel the air, I put my hand to a vent, I stand under one, I shake my head in disgust, I'm thankful it's not 90 in here. I'm thankful it's cooler than outside, even if only by a degree or two. Nothing I can do. I think this is the sinking portion of the program. I think it's because I'm hot and I'm in pain and I'm nauseous, and if this is a migraine I don't know how people do it. Survive them. I know some people take to bed, cover their eyes, but I'm used to pain, especially in my head. Aries. We're prone. I've had headaches on and off for years. Clearly I have nothing to write about, I shouldn't have bothered. I've been thinking about Nelson a lot since we talked the other night, and I want to call him up, just to hear his voice, just to see what he's doing, but I don't want to interrupt his life. I have no idea what his daily life is. I feel I can't possibly call him, and this is why he was ready to give up on me - he'd call, he'd get my answering machine, I don't call him back, I wait for him to call again, and this last time, his last time he'd decided, I was out and about. I want real air conditioning. How am I going to survive the Summer with this? I've lived without cool air in my car for years now, but I've always had it in my home, until now, and if I can't find relief, except at work, how sad is that? Will I be anxious to go to work all Summer just so I can cool off? It occurred to me last night that if I were a man, if I'd called maintenance to complain that the new a/c is not working properly, that there's a leak in the line or something, they'd fucking fix it, in a heartbeat. But because I'm a woman, on her own, they can call me a whiny bitch, come in and stick a hand to a vent, decide it's fine and leave, and that's that. Fucking men. I think I could easily write or talk myself into being very depressed right now, so I'm going to wash my face and lie in my bed, no covers, just try to relax and be calm and still and quiet and as cool as I can be. Cost of the War in Iraq
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