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Saturday, Feb. 09, 2002 / 5:56 p.m. ~Fuzzy and Heavy/Loss~ I just checked the winning Big Game numbers. I didn't win. Again. Dammit. Why can't I win? People do win. All the time, $150,000 here, $23 million there, it happens, every week, they win, why not me? Is there a specific reason? If I keep playing, will I eventually win? Should I not do the quick picks, should I start using my own carefully (?) selected numbers, play them each time? Aren't my chances the same either way? Something like 1 kajillion bazillion quatrillion to one? I feel exhausted, more than just enervated or logy, sort of omigod what the hell happened to me?, tired. I joked with Hermione that it was standing around watching her rake leaves, it wore me out. It was great to see her again, but so sad to be at her house, all empty, looking so small, so devoid of everything that was once there, no Lilly, no S., just a couple boxes, her bed, a TV, and Henry and the cat. Henry, the dog. How fun to hang out with him again. That big horse of a dog. God, I'm going to miss them, it's really hitting me. I won't get to go over and play with Lilly and Henry, to talk to Hermione, to smoke pot with S., to go to their parties, to hang out in the yard, to watch Lilly develop. This whole family, this house, these people, all of it, gone from my life. Hermione is going to try to come over here on Tuesday, but she leaves Thursday, early morning, she says around 3:00 a.m. Driving out to Utah in her little Toyota with Henry the dog. And the cat will live temporarily with her grandfather in his "old folks home", which is going to be so wonderful for him. Old folks need companionship. I asked him today if he was excited about getting a cat, and he said, "Well, HER cat!", and I told Hermione, "You know, he'll be talking all baby talk to her before you know it, he's going to be totally attached, you may never get her back, and that will be so good for him", and yes, she knows. And Hermione seems so competent and strong, not emotional at all. Just matter of factly preparing for the Open House tomorrow, not worried about who will live in her house, her first actual purchased house, with her husband, where she brought home her baby, where her animals are buried, her dog, her cats, and she showed me where, in the bushes in front of the house. She's all ready to go, all ready to drive across the country, to live someplace else. It was great to be outside though, great to get away, even if it was just in someone's front yard, it was amongst trees, and I touched them, held onto them, stepped on stones, stepped in dirt, on leaves, and felt fresh air on my face, the sun in my eyes, and we talked and talked, and I let out steam about my job. Told her about Lulu and Laverne, the whole soap operatic saga, the whole customer service nightmare that is my job. And she listened. And I listened to her. She gave me books she no longer wants, books she would've sold had she had energy for a garage sale. And I lay on her bed while she got ready to go to work at the bookstore, watching the Olympics, speed skating, with the cat, and the dog, and I thought about being there, in that house, and how I'm going to miss everything, and her. Now I'm just exhausted. Maybe it was the venting, the letting off of steam, the energy it took to be outside for a change, to do something different, or maybe it was sleeping 12 hours, then being outside, or maybe it was just thinking of all of it, the loss I'm about to experience, how I feel it already. And I can watch Park City on the TV now, and Salt Lake, and think that's it, that's where she'll be, that's where that family is going to be from now on. The cat here, until they find a house, and maybe never if the grandfather is too attached, but Henry, and Lilly, and S., and Hermione and Hermione's mom and step-dad, all there, and I'm still here. Here I stay while everyone goes someplace else. Last night she said I'm not "adventurous" because I don't pick myself up and move across the country too, but it's not that, and it stuck in my craw, and she apologized finally, because I am adventurous, I just don't have the money, I don't have parents out there I can fall back on, it's not that I am not adventurous, I simply like it here, besides the people and the smog, this is my home, I love this city. She just left a message on my internet answering machine, she can't make it Tuesday. We may have just seen each other for the last time in quite some time. I'm going to call her back, watch some Olympic coverage, try to feel better, probably lie down a bit. I'm feeling awfully fuzzy and heavy. Cost of the War in Iraq
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