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Tuesday, Apr. 23, 2002 / 1:20 p.m. ~I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In!/I'm Guessing a Scorpio~ Someone was knocking at my door at 7:00 this morning. I woke from a sound sleep, unsure of what I was hearing. I listened, it continued. Knocking. I don't even get out of bed until almost 8:00. Anything earlier than that is ungodly - but what does that mean, ungodly? I mean it's wrong. Phone calls in the morning, or late at night, knocking on my door, when I'm not expecting anyone, it's all terribly wrong. It continued. The doorbell rang. I was confused, semi-panicking, I grabbed my robe from the closet, I went to the door, looked out the "peep hole", nothing. No one. I heard knocking on a neighbor's door, surmised it wasn't me this person wanted. This person, who, why?, wanted anyone who'd answer. 7:00 in the morning. I went back to bed, and it was hard to go back to sleep. And I heard more knocking before I drifted off. Back to the door, back to the "peep hole". Nothing. No one. I went back to bed, imagining all the possible scenarios. If this person were truly desperate, why not call out, "Hello! Anyone home? Please, answer your door!! I need help!", or "Hi, I'm your neighbor, my car won't start, can I get a jump?", or "HELP! I've been shot! Can you call the police? Please!", knock, knock, knock, "Anyone?!!!". But it was silent in between the knocking. Do you honestly think I would've flung the door open to this nothingness? Can you say "Home Invasion"? It was weird, it was unsettling, and when I was ready for work, 8:45ish, leaving my apartment, I expected to see a pool of blood outside my door, a note at the very least, my doormat all askew and asunder, and aside even, but nada. Not one fucking clue as to what the fuck? It did occur to me it might have been a child, that maybe I saw nothing because it was a little person, but then how did this little person reach the doorbell? And why MY door? I'm upstairs, why not someone downstairs? Was no one else answering either? Crazy way to wake up, I've got to say. Sandy called last night. Just when I was wondering if he would, and when. I was guiltily watching "The Bachelor" (!!!!!!), I know, I know, it's garbage, I hate it, why in hell did I tune in? Because I wanted to see what happened. I'm sick, I know. My PC was left logged on to the Interweb and Sandy called, left a message on the CallWave answering machine. I knew there was a reason I keep paying for that. He went on and on in his slow Southern drawl, speculating as to where I got off the bus, the first or second stop, he hadn't seen me, he hoped I'd gotten sleep, etc. I called him right back and we talked for an hour. He asked questions, and listened to the answers. He remembered things I'd told him on the bus. He's digging in. And how does this make me feel? Well, intrigued, wanting to know more myself, excited, apprehensive, many things. He asked how I felt when my mom died. No one asks me that. No one probes me. In any way, shape or form. But he wanted to know, apologizing all the way if he was TOO probing. No, not at all. And I heard my voice get higher, my rate of speech accelerating, a little stutter starting as my blood pressure rose. Here was someone who wanted to know me, and how odd is that? We have a lot in common. We have a lot in uncommon. He is serious, slow, deliberate, calculating, intelligent, trusting, not afraid to be alone, and I don't want to ask him his Sun Sign, I know I'll judge him immediately, so I'm just going to guess he's a Scorpio or a Pisces. I'm dying to find out, but it will wait, this time, for once. Plans are for Saturday, no plans, just a time, and a day. I suggested bowling, then skydiving, totally joking, but he didn't get it. Is it because he doesn't know ME, or because he has no sense of humor? I'm worried. I need to joke, I need to laugh, I need to make others laugh. If he doesn't get any of it, we have an immediate problem. Outside the Ronald Reagan Building in D.C. there are two statues, one of a female reclining, with an angel or cherub next to her. The other is a male, same situation. I joked that one was Ronnie, one was Nancy, and weren't they good likenesses? Sandy began to stop and examine them, until he realized I was only joking, then he laughed, at himself, for being so gullible. I'm not saying anything will happen at all, I'm not saying something won't happen, I'm saying that we talked for an hour and it was comfortable, and I liked hearing about his hardwood floors being refinished, and his son's progressive private school, and his mother moving from her home in Alabama, and his father's death when Sandy was 19. And I liked the way he listened when I spoke of my sister's murder, my mom's death from cancer, how I'd felt, a teenager just wanting to be a teenager� We'll see. I know that. Of course I'm imagining everything that could possibly happen, from friendship, to more than friendship, to very good, to not so good, and more in between. But I'd like to think I'm in a place in my life where I know what I want, what I won't settle for, what I'll tolerate and what I won't, even in friendship. I'd much rather be on my own than associated with anyone who makes me feel bad. And he says roller coasters make him sick. How far can we get like that? I'm guessing Scorpio - close relationship to mother, overly pressured by father, very sensitive, preferring to be alone, hating crowds, intense, probing, calculating, serious. Cost of the War in Iraq
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