Sunday, Jun. 16, 2002 / 3:41 p.m.

~I'm Sorry if I Offended Anyone With My Fascist Behavior~

I was a diary ring Nazi last night. And it took hours. I'd read in a couple of other diaries about the need to go through the lists, to actually "maintain" the rings, weed out the dreck, the dead diaries, the locked diaries, and those who don't display the codes. I had never really thought of it.

I get the email each time someone joins a ring, and I "run" several rings: lizards, living alone, reality TV, James Bond, cellphonessuk, I must write, Netscape users, and activists - I think that's it. But I never go and look at who's there, what the diaries are like, is the stupid code displayed, yada, yada, so last night I did.

And I deleted all kind of diaries, removed them from the rings. At first I felt really bad about it, but then I realized these people might not ever notice. Then my criteria sort of mushroomed. If I couldn't see the diary on my Netscape 4.5, forget it, you're out. If I can see the diary, but then I click on the rings page and it's blank in Netscape 4.5, you're out. If your page has so many fucking gewgaws (is that how you spell it?), that my Netscape 4.5 crashes (!), you're out!

To think one diary even had a popup!!! And I crashed.

Click to remove, click to remove, over and over again. One diary after another. Lots of final farewells, "Goodbye everyone, but I can never write here again", you're out. Please enter password. You're out. Etc.

I felt bad, I did, but it had to be done. Now the two largest diary rings are left, and I started on the I must write, but Jesus, there are 225 diaries there! It occurred to me I could start on it at work, on one of my breaks, but then I'd be looking with IE instead of Netscape and it would negate all I did last night.

I'm sorry if anyone is hurt or offended, truly I am. Try re-joining, we'll see what happens.

I honestly did spend hours and hours doing that last night though, and it took so long because of the 14.4 modem, and the constant Netscape crashes, and having to re-boot altogether twice. But it was interesting. The main thing I came away with was this: people put way too much effort into design, and not nearly enough effort into writing.

I'd see all these crappy, yet elaborate designs, which took FOREVER to load on here, and when it was all through, there'd be two or three lines of poorly written text. Huh? I'm really glad I've stumbled across the diaries I read regularly. I seldom go searching for others to add to my faves list. It's quite complete, thank you. There is indeed a lot of crap on Diaryland.

One person is leaving Diarylnd because there is so much crap. But why? Write your own diary, don't read the crap, read what you like, why should the fact that young kids write on Diaryland make you want to leave? It makes no sense to me.

I'm here to write. And a lot of what I write is crap too! But my page loads quickly, I designed the little table and everything myself, and I'm relatively happy here.

Almost 4:00 and I'm just having coffee. I actually washed the dishes. I couldn't get at the coffee maker there was so much in the way. That was the last straw. If I'm having to move stuff to other counter tops, then back again, just so I can grind my coffee beans without knocking things over, hey, it's time. Weeks worth of dishes, I don't even know how many, more likely months. Disgusting, I know. I'm a pig. No one sees any of this but me, and apparently I stopped caring a long time ago.

Way back when, when I didn't go to a job every day five days a week, I cared more, I had more time. I cleaned, deep cleaning, under and around things. I wrote more, I read more, I shopped more, and cooked, elaborate recipes, nothing fazed me. I was a gourmet cook, I was a writer, I was a pop culture fanatic, I was abreast of everything, and I went places.

Now? I'm a slave to the machine. No time for what I once loved. Everything sits and I wait until I can be what I was, or move forward to something even better.

I want to have a clean apartment, I do, and I don't want to look at the layer of dust and hate myself, instead of just cleaning it, but things happen slowly around here, and this is how it is, for now.

My goal is to shower. To change my sheets. To write in my paper journal and maybe go out for a pizza. I had planned to take my recyclables (a car full!) to the recycling center at the Farmer's Market, but that is not going to happen, I can tell. It's really far away.

Everything is up in the air. I slept late, almost 1:30, much earlier than yesterday, but I didn't want to get up at all. I admit I'm very depressed, and I know I'll snap out of it soon. I have tentative plans for tomorrow, and I want to cancel. We'll see.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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