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Saturday, Jan. 19, 2002 / 3:09 p.m. ~It's Raining~ I awoke to the sound of rain. Here, it's more like the sound of dripping in the rain gutter, but nevertheless it's rain. It's raining. This is fairly monumental, as it seldom rains anymore. No, the weather has been screwy for years. All these cars, all the smog, the emissions, all the people, we've altered our weather, here, and rain is not an everyday occurrence, not an every week, nor every month occurrence, so yeah, it's raining. And that's nice. If it were sunny I'd feel some obligation to get out in it, or feel guilt if I didn't, or self loathing if I missed it. How could I miss a beautiful day? But with a nasty, gray, sort of ugly, semi-cold and rainy day, what better excuse to sleep until 2:00, to wake and lie in bed thinking, stretching, wishing someone else were here so we could have morning sex? What better excuse to fuck off? The unlocking of the Joleen diary is so far proving to be no big whoop, and this is great, really, but I am fearful that won't last. I imagine logging on to find really nasty guestbook entries any minute, any hour, I imagine that one will find out, then another, and they'll be busy combing through the archive, copying, pasting, and where I don't know, but they'll do it. And it may be intense paranoia that forces me to lock it again. Writing in an online private diary. That's an interesting experience in itself. Knowing exactly who reads it and when. And when they don't, taking time to read it myself, and seeing it for exactly what it is, my diary, my journal, on a monitor, written with a keyboard instead of a pen. I'm getting tons of email from the Action Center. Boycott "Black Hawk Down", protest at the MLK parade, go to New York for protests, etc. Email from the list serv, Muslims after 9/11, solidarity with Arab women, who's on death row, it goes on and on and on, and there's nothing specific, it's so spread out, I wouldn't know what cause to defend, who to sign up with, what to do? In general. Yes, I care still, nothing's changed, but reality sank in a long time ago, it's very difficult to affect change in our current time. There are never truly enough people behind any one action, and without numbers we're nothing but voices carried away on the wind. I admire those who keep up with all of it, who lobby, who write, who are always at one panel discussion or meeting, or traveling to Afghanistan, or New York, or even just down to Florida, trying to increase the numbers by using themselves. I can't do the MLK stuff on Monday, I'm working. We were told we couldn't take off during peak, and actually our peak was in December. Why they didn't realize that I'll never know, but now we sit and read at work. How can that be "peak"? Still, I didn't think about it, it didn't occur to me to request the day off, to try. I didn't think to try. And what does that say about me and my own attempts at 'activism'? Do I suck at that too? The lackadaisical activist. La dee fucking da. Going to Washington was huge, it always is, even the march downtown was huge, though no one showed up. We were loud, we had signs, I had my camera. And the CNN demo was the best, it was so anarchistic, so radical, so in-your-fucking-face, and we were all over the news that day, locally. But since then, I don't know, it's all so spread out, there's little focus, and overall, it just seems there's nothing we can do. Still, the numbers are too small, the voices lost to deaf ears. I read all the emails, I still visit antiwar.com from work, I read the headlines, and it's frightening what our government intends in its "War on Terrorism", I fear for us, and especially for Muslims, and people of color around the world. Aw, the world's goin' to hell in a handbasket! But it's raining, and I can do exactly as I please today, I can clean, or not, I can lounge, or I can go out, I can watch movies on cable, or go to a theatre, I can write or read, or listen to music, or all three at once! For this day, this one day, I can do as I please within my means. I think I'll go check the boards at moby-online.com now......see if anyone responded to any of the crap I wrote in my stupor last night. Keep in mind it was flu-onset-induced. Yes, it was. And I'm feeling a bit better today, not so sick. Sleeping helped. Cost of the War in Iraq
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