|
Wednesday, Jun. 26, 2002 / 7:49 p.m. ~Jesus Loves You - God Has BIG Plans For You~ I ordered a new CD, well, a used CD, online on Saturday, from half.com - I love ordering from there! And I got it today. Actually, I don't know when I got it because I hadn't checked my mail since Friday (?). (brief interruption - just got email from someone I don't know, more spammy crap, but the header is "Hi Hunnie" - oooooo, can't WAIT to read that!) Right, so I don't know when the postman placed the CD in its little protective padded envelope in my mailbox, but today it was there, and I had decided to check for it, hoping against hope it would be there, on my lunch break. Alas! 'Twas there! All padded and safe, and I took it to work from home, from lunch to work, and listened to it immediately. In fact, I listened to "Stolen Moments: Red, Hot + Cool" (excellent!!!!!!!!), and "Heart Shaped World" (but you already know about that one - also excellent, lots of exclamation marks, etc.), and the beginning of the soundtrack to "Dead Man Walking" (also very, very good, possibly not worthy of an excellent rating and many exclamation marks, but just the same, quite ecclectic and wonderful: Patti Smith! Tom Waits! Michelle Shocked! Lyle Lovett! Bruce Springsteen! Okay, it's worthy), in addition to my NEW CD. At this rate I may need to go buy a whole huge case of Double As. I know no one at work understands, and the worrisome part, really, to me, is that no one is asking. No one seems to care that I've shut out the whole group except for crucial work talk. They no longer exist to me. They, like flies buzzing in my ears, gone when I escape to music. Music is everything to me right now. Words, books, EW, the incredibly subversive and leftist free weekly (with the word FUCK so judiciously and unashamedly sprinkled throughout the various columns.....how I love it so!), anything to read, anything to listen to, all of it so enriching. I'm not just sitting with my back to them all, I'm growing inside. Because on the outside I'm dead. I'm trying to prevent it from seeping in, or what I thought was trying to do the opposite. I thought I was dead inside, but that's just my "heart", my "soul", my head is alive and oh so active. Yes, the NEW CD. I shall not mention it by name, but it's called "MobySongs" and it's a best of compilation, from 2000 (?), so it has nothing from "Play", but from "Everything Is Wrong" (which I also bought from half.com), "Animal Rights" (which I've yet to buy), "I Like to Score" (which I've yet to buy) and "Move" (which I'd never even heard of). I listened to "Everything Is Wrong" last night, so to hear those tunes again was redundant, a bit much too soon, or not too much, but almost too much, I want something I've never heard...and there was. I have a new favorite Moby song, and it is good. The title is: "The Rain Falls and The Sky Shudders".... unnnnnnhhhhhhh. I love that. It's just the sound of rain, a gentle rain, subtle yet perceptible, an occasional gust of wind, and tinkly piano music over it. It is soft and melodic and lilting and sweet and reminds me of "New Age" music that goes on like that for whole album sides at a time (Oops! There are no more album 'sides', are there? I date myself with that remark, but so what?), and I want it to be longer than its six something minutes. I played it three times I think. Dreamy, positively dreamy. Did you know that Ruth Reichl read all of MFK Fisher's books as a child? Or young girl? And she dreamed of meeting her? So one day Ms. magazine asked her to interview her for them, to ask all sorts of feminist questions, and of course Ruth tried, but Fisher didn't want to talk about all that rot, and Ms. never hired Ruth to write anything else for them, but now Ruth is Editor in Chief of fucking Gourmet Magazine?! Reminds me, one of my favorite columnists in the free weekly wrote about some book Kathy Ireland just published, and she started out by saying that Kathy Ireland wrote a book, she said it like this though, "Kathy fucking Ireland". I thought that was so funny. Like JesusFuckingChrist, but Kathy fucking Ireland. Hmmmm... maybe you had to be there. The free weekly amazes me. Every week, I'm shocked, I'm so pleased, I want to WORK WITH THEM, and they know this. They know. They must hire me at some point. Soon. Okay, I'm jumping around, but there is so much to say. So, the NEW CD, which I've written about, even though I promised I wouldn't, promised who?, ME. It came in said padded envelope, not bubble wrap interior, but padded, nice. Expedient, Fast, QUICK, YES! And, there was a note from the Seller at half.com, all printed out on his/her computer, with cutesy little graphics, all cut from a larger sheet of paper, irregularly cut, like a "rhomboid", I told Mark (is that how you spell it?), but here is what it says: Dear Friend, Thank you for purchasing my product. I know there were probably other choices, and I appreciate you choosing mine. I hope your item brings you many years of enjoyment. Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at: And he/she printed his/her email address. Under this text appears a large "Thank You", and beneath that is this: Jesus Loves You - God has BIG plans for you I showed it to Penelope, knowing how much she loves her Jesus and her god, and I was hoping she'd think it was extra cool, but I am afraid she felt I was mocking her. I said, "Look, it says god has BIG plans for me!", and she said, "Well you know he does", and I said, "No, I don't know, but I think it's interesting", and then I felt terrible for doing the wrong thing. She hasn't really talked to me in days, since I began my back-turning, headphone-wearing, book-reading sabbatical. She doesn't even try to hug me and tell me "Bless You" in the mornings. She hates me now. Because Lulu pissed me off and I shut down. Because they're all black and I'm white and we are too different and I'm tired of trying to assimilate. I want to immerse myself in my own culture, or in the culture of the World, I want to expand and grow, not be stifled with them, in them, because of them, around them. I called Mark and read the note to him, and he thinks yes, god does have BIG plans for me too. Normally I'd be offended at anyone telling me Jesus loves me, or even mentioning god to me, but this, this felt like some sort of sign, some prognostication, and I felt good to know it, to read it, to look at the campy graphic of the couple, and what are they doing anyway?, dancing? It's so cute. I even went to half.com to rate the mysterious Seller and say how FAST the shipment was, and to see if he/she is selling anything else I might want, but no. I'm taking my time with Comfort Me With Apples, reading at work only, except that one night when I read in bed. I don't have a good place to read here at home, no favorite reading chair, with good reading lamp, and bed is not good for reading, not for me. It's fine, because I don't want to finish reading this book, I want to always be reading this book. It has so much in it, humor, laugh out loud crazy stuff, and food, she loves food, she knows food, she is food, and woman stuff, woman with men stuff, affairs of the heart, and lust and longing, and good, pure, honest stuff, stuff that reminds me of me stuff, and I love her so much as I am reading, and I'm thinking that's ME, I would've done that too! So she's writing for Metropolitan Home, and this was years ago, early '80s, and she's married to this crazy artist who is always off traveling, and she meets these two different men who totally blow her skirt up over her head and she falls in love and has affairs and her father dies, and her mother is manic, and she writes and cooks and has friends and lives in a Commune in Berkeley and it's so wonderful, I get lost in it, listening to music, at work..... Will Ruth mind if I quote her? It's only a diary after all....here, read this: "No, wait", he said, pulling me up the stairs. We stopped on each landing, so that by the time we reached his door we were completely naked, and when the door closed behind us we fell on the floor and made love with a sort of gentle violence I had never experienced before. When we were done he pulled me into the bedroom and we sank onto the bed and did it again. And again. Finally, exhausted, we fell asleep. I woke up feeling that I had entered a foreign country I had read about but never before visited. I had been living with my best friend, my brother; sex with Doug had never been an important part of our relationship. Sleeping with Colman had not been the main point either. With Michael, I felt I was in new territory, in the grip of some force larger than myself. It was as if all the ions inside of us yearned toward each other, and for the first time in my life my body felt completey awake, as if it was in the place that it was meant to be. And of course he recoils because she is married and he doesn't want to be hurt. It's not romance novel-y, it's non fiction, it's a memoir, it's real, it's honest, and I know what she's talking about. That was me with David. He was my best friend, we grew too close to have that good sex she's talking about, that heat, that passion, so when Greg came along and David was always working, well, that sort of thing happens. I've been where she's been. But for her it goes farther, with me it always hits some dead end, crashes into the road block at the dead end. It's a good book, really, I highly recommend it, and as I say, I don't want to ever finish it. The whole section on her trip to China was worth reading all on its own. It could be short stories. But it works as a cohesive whole too. I must stop writing. My hands hurt and are hot. Cold all day at work, and now I'm too hot. I've been vacillating between the two all day anyway. **News Flash** That new Secret "Ambition" anti-perspirant/deodorant that I wrote about forgetting to wear the other day because I was fretting over its hazardous contents??!!! It's given my armpits a rash! I was just itching, and I felt the itchy area and felt bumps, went to look, in the bathroom mirror, and holy moly, "if rash develops discontinue use" my ass! My eye! My pits! Ow! Jesusfuckingchrist! That's that. I'm discontinuing. Mark told me about some Tom's all-natural deodorant stuff, without the nasty anti-perspirant stuff, and I am going to look for it. Until then, I'm going to smell like a natural person. And I'll sweat freely, which I do anyway, anti-perspirants never have ceased my sweat glands' production. Yikes, I'm kind of panicking, nothing like this has ever happened before. I'm imagining all kinds of toxic chemicals floating through my bloodstream...rashes everyhwhere, not just under my arms! Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |