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Monday, Apr. 08, 2002 / 3:14 p.m. ~Keeping Things the Same, Amidst Change~ The digital cable receivers come with a "message" system, a way for the Cable company to contact its customers. When you see the red light on the box you have a message. So I knew the cable would be out from midnight to whenever on April 8th, but I didn't know if they meant just after 11:59 on April 7th, or April 8th. Midnight means different things to different people. And so it was that I was without television last night, just as I was tuning in to catch the beginning portion of "Morimoto R.A.W" that I had missed earlier in the evening. I SO want to eat at his restaurant!! WOW! In fact, maybe next year for my birthday I can fly to Philly to eat there. I should make my reservation now. I read a good bit of a diary last night, and lest I hurt feelings I'll just say here, right now, without naming names, that shit was disturbing! On several levels. I am sorry, I really am, for having strong opinions, but as I read this thing I thought, oh my god, this person has issues, and not the usual angst or suicidal tendencies, or anything relatively "normal" for Diaryland. This person is going through life not even realizing anything is wrong, or so it seems. It was just creepy. Perhaps I should just leave it at that. It was creepy. And thinking about it now has me feeling creepy. Blech! Moving right along..... another glorious day off. Of course I have the requisite list of things to do, the list which has fewer things on it than it did on Friday (yea!), but I don't feel like doing a thing. And I think that's my right. I sat and wrote three days worth in my paper journal, and that was good, especially good that I could remember everything - and it helped to remember the crap I'd written here, it helped me to recall the events, or lack thereof. Now I'm just trying to decide if I should go see Michael Moore at Borders. If I go I'll need to leave soon. The "discussion" actually starts at 5:00, supposedly goes 'til 7:00, but that must include a signing, even though the ad doesn't say that. How odd. I'm sure his book is expensive, and I'm not in the mood to spend money, not at all. In fact, lately I think I'm really careful with money, if it doesn't involve food, especially of the takeout variety. Anyway, I'd have to go shower, get dressed, drive down there, buy the book, nervously wonder who I might run into, seeing as how I spent so many years immersed in the world of retail book sales.... then either really like Michael Moore, or walk away thinking he's a pretentious asshole, and I'm not sure which I'd think, and then drive back home in rush hour. Or stay and see a movie intown. But these are my final glorious days off hours, and they are so precious to me. How to spend them, how to spend them? I awoke from a dream early in the morning, went to pee, thinking I should write this down, this was weird, this one was so strange I don't want to forget it, then once I got up I struggled to remember.... I dreamed I went for a pelvic exam, seeing the Nurse Practitioner I used to see, and she looked between my legs, examined my vulva, and said, "I've got bad news", and I thought the worst, and it was the worst, I had herpes, and I said, "Let me feel, I never noticed that, what are you talking about?" and I was suddenly feeling my own labia, checking for lumps and bumps, thinking, well, yes, I have been in pain, it hurts, yes? "And AIDS", yes, I had AIDS, and how she saw this from a pelvic exam I don't know, it was suddenly a disease of the genitals, in this dream. And she was prescribing medications, drugs, some to be taken in conjunction with others, and she was explaining it to me, but somehow it was Feline AIDS I had, at least that's what I came away with, thinking, remembering. And she admitted she had Herpes too, so I felt a bit better. I was worried about taking all these drugs, using creams too, so much to remember, it was daunting. I was groggy as I got up to pee, could barely find my way to the nightlight lit bathroom. I was absorbed in that dream still. Me lying on the bed with the Nurse Practitioner, she comforting me, it's not so bad, but I probably would be dying soon. How very odd. Then more dreams, as having time off means sleeping, as my natural state is sleeping through the day and staying up until the wee hours, I backslide when there's time to myself, and some dream involving bugs, scraping large areas with some sort of scraping tool, these black minute little bugs, all scraped away. It may come back to me later, but for now it's a foggy, foggy memory. Really, all I want to do is lie down, watch movies on cable (oh, it's back up now, I think it was due to be down for 6 hours, no more), or read my Entertainment Weeklys, and I am behind in them four issues. Four issues. I need to read. I need to read and watch movies, I don't want to drive, I don't want to get in my car and be angry at strangers. I don't want to witness the idiocy of humanity through my windshield, nor my rearivew mirror. I want to stay here, safe and sound, entertained. And I want to vacuum, I actually want to, and clean my bathroom, and how often do I want to do that? WANT to? Then there's the issue of the Taxes. Oh yes, I've waited, seems I always owe a little bit, just a little bit, though my W-4 was filled out properly, thank you very much. So I wait, usually I file on April 15th, and I'm telling myself I still have one more week. Why do it now? And the Big Game is up to $150 million now, and isn't that fucking insane? I do need new clothes, new shoes, some groceries, I need to cook again, I need raw materials, I need a base on which to stand firmly. I'm looking at the clock in my task bar and it reads 333. Is this good? Is there still time? Maybe if I start slowly, yes? One thing at a time? The proverbial one foot in front of the other, one pants leg at a time? I need to go to my Safe Deposit Box, and it's so far away, I want to put more photo negatives in there, and yes, I do this in case there's a fire and I lose everything, I will still have photos, I can make photos, I can have memories in front of me. And I think I need to move it, why is it still in the same place, why are there some things I don't want to change, some things I leave for 20 or 30 years, because I like the sameness? Because, as life goes on there is so little one can actually control, one realizes this, and to find something that can stay the same, to actually make something stay the same amidst all life's changes, is a great comfort. Hence, "I Love Lucy" reruns are still on throughout the day and my furniture never moves, and there is a place for everything and everything stays in its place, and if I don't dust the dust will still be there waiting for me to pick it up. And once I dust, days later, it will be back, mocking me. And my safe deposit box holds negatives and slides, safely deposited, in the same exact place, no matter that it's 25 miles or more from here. Glorious, glorious sleeping, even if it's to dream of diseased genitalia, even if I wake groggy, even if I'll never be able to sleep tonight, tomorrow it's all the same once again, so this now is the time to be cherished. Only doing that which feels best, the most right, prioritizing. Mmmmmm.... Here's Jonathan Cainer's horoscope for Aries for today, I thought it was very funny: They say that nothing ever happens without a reason. But then, with their next breath, they postulate the most unlikely reasons for the most unbelievable things. They don't know as much as they think they do. We ought not to believe them when they make their pompous pronouncements. Maybe there is a reason for what's happening in your life now. And may be there isn't. But it is happening and it is big and it is very exciting. Never mind the explanation - just seize the moment. I wish, just once, that he would be right. Cost of the War in Iraq
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