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Thursday, May. 23, 2002 / 11:16 p.m. ~Meeting Him~ I'm confused. I'm feeling again, and again it's too much. I don't know what to do with it. I never do when it's like this. It took me by surprise. He took me by surprise. I expected nothing, I expected to feel nothing, my perception was that he felt nothing. Then a touch, an arm to pull me closer in the cool night air, a kiss waiting at a stoplight. Why? What was that? What does it mean? Is there any meaning attached? Kissing is good, yes? Yes, of course, but why? Why me? You'd kiss anyone? It was nice. It was really nice. I like him. He has big eyes. He listens. His hair is just longer than shaved, it feels like fuzz. It is fuzz. I could've done more, felt more, I could have not refused, not thought twice, I could've gotten lost, lost in feeling, inside and out. It could've been everything, right away, sooner than it should. Or not. I don't know. And he wanted to know all about James and me, my feelings, and I told how consumed I'd been. I left out all the parts that were extreme, like the inability to feed myself, the knots in my stomach, the horrible fantasy/masturbation sequence, no, that was left out. The lying around, in some overly melodramatic torment. He thinks it's great to feel so much. He is so encouraging. I couldn't read anything. Couldn't see a thing, but his eyes moving over my face as if he were counting my pores, noticing all the hair in wrong places, the premenstrual acne here and there, I felt examined, not adored. Not wanted, not kissable. Not desired. How did that happen? Can I not interpret anything anymore? Don't I see it? Any of it? It was so nice. My god, it was so nice, I didn't want it to stop. He wanted to try to sleep for a change, then he said he knew he wouldn't sleep. Why? I don't understand anything, I don't see anything, I'm blind to motives and desires. It's all just a big blur to me. It's just the sound of my own voice, me thinking I talk too much, here's someone who wants to know and I have no idea why so I'm telling him... I'm punchy, I'm saying too much, what does he think, what does he think, what is he thinking? Now I'm here and he's there and my head is swimming. It's not alcohol, it's too much sensation, too much feeling, too much, it's all just too much. He thinks James and I would be great together, but he kisses me. Kissing's good, right? I like kissing, right? If you knew, if you only knew. It's been a long time. How long? A year. Robert. I don't tell you Robert, I think Robert. It was awful, I couldn't wait to get away, but you, you I want to kiss forever, all night at least. Why are you leaving? What is this? What about James? You still encouraging me? I am a child. I know nothing. What is any of this? Where is my life? Leave them wanting more, that's all I'm thinking. Leave them wanting more. It's the best, isn't it? The way to play it. The old, I'm sure there's a lot you could teach me. I've heard that before. 7 years difference, that's all. And I lost your card, the blue one. I don't know anything right now. A day to clarify. I feel I need a fast, a massage, an irrigation, a cleansing, a retreat, an escape, a day spent in nature, beside a stream, a river, canoeing, sitting, walking, lying on grass, or leaves, sun, water, birds, critters, nothing like this, none of this. I'm far too confused. Cost of the War in Iraq
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