|
Tuesday, Apr. 30, 2002 / 11:42 a.m. ~Me, the Freak Magnet~ The Sandy situation has me in a dither. That word is so seldom used, and why is that? I looked it up to make sure I�m using it correctly, oh yes, �a state of indecision or nervousness�. Perfect. I�m in an absolute dither. An utter dither. A complete dither. Dither away, dither on! I was online for a couple of hours last night after work, even with Sandy�s calls on CallWave, his messages left behind for me to hear. I turned off the CallWave, as previously stated (that would be, in the previous entry), I got offline around 9:30. I was in the kitchen doing whatever it is I was doing, and I heard the clunking of the answering machine � yes, it�s clunky. No ring� OH! I had the ringer off because I get all these weird phone calls all day at home, most with no messages, but I see by the Caller ID, so I turn off the ringer during the day. Why disturb the cats with all that ringing? Caller ID said it was Sandy, no message, so I called him back, perturbed actually. Three phone calls? And how many once I�d turned off the CallWave? How many between then and then, him hearing the busy signal and wondering? Too much, this is too much. I called him back, didn�t even need to say, �Hey, Sandy, it�s ______, what�s up?�, just �Hey�. He didn�t go to the Middle Eastern thing, he took his Mexican hired help to dinner, he still needs a �what is it called?�, a Phrase Book, �where can I get one?�, a BOOKSTORE, �oh, right�, and he shaved the older dog�s legs, she had urine stains on the fur, then shaved most of her other hair, put her in cool water to ease the razor burn (Razor burn? Cool water? She�s 14! Jesus!), he built her a ramp so she can get in and out of the minivan, his �car�. Suddenly I�m not wanting to hear any of this. All of his furniture is under a tarp in his back driveway because his floors were being refinished, now they�re refinished and instead of putting everything back he�s goofing off with torturing this poor old dog who sits and whines all the time? �Oh, she does that�. Maybe she�s in PAIN! Maybe she�s SICK! I�m thinking he�s too spaced out, he�s irresponsible, he�s not doing what MUST be done, only goofing off instead. He asks, finally, �So how do I get to your place?�, and I say, �You want me to give you directions NOW?!�, for him to come over on Thursday� and I�m thinking stalking, I�m thinking once he knows where I live he�ll come over, at random, nothing will keep him then, if the CallWave is on he�ll just come by. I�m panicking. This is not good at all. Tell me I�m wrong. Tell me this is not his intent at all. Tell me everything I�m thinking is beyond absurd, that I watch too much television, that I have an overactive imagination. Tell me. He says, in response, �We don�t have to talk about directions to your place, I just WANNA TALK!�, and he sounds angry, he says, �We can talk about something else�, so I say, �It�s been a long day, I didn�t feel well all day, I�m tired�, so he lets me go, tells me to take care, or something, he�ll call me again, before Thursday, and of this I have no doubt at all. Once we were off the phone I was very upset, this was all wrong, this is not anything I need in my life, some guy whose life is upside down, his house is a mess, so to avoid all he needs to do he wants a diversion in me. He wants me to listen to him, he wants me to be there for him, when he wants to talk, which is apparently all the time. And did he start out our conversation, or include in our conversation anywhere, �How was your day?� or �So how are you?� or �How�s it going� or �How�s it hangin�� or �What�s up?� or anything remotely similar to being interested in the person he so desperately wanted to talk to? I�m a freak magnet. I draw these people to me, these needy men, and the ones I�m attracted to, the strong independent types, the confident and handsome ones, the ones with lives, with things happening, with interests and desires, with passions, never want me. I want to be alone if this is all there is. I was fine on my own, I don�t need this crap, these phone calls, this demanding attitude, this neediness, and I want to cancel Thursday. I don�t want this person in my apartment, knowing where I live, taking up my time, needing, demanding, insisting. Now I�m faced with this rejection thing, feeling it all got turned the wrong way and I have to be the one to straighten it out. This sucks. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |