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Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 / 7:56 p.m. ~My Throat Hurts~ I gave in and put on a sweater. The heater is not heating this place. The air conditioning does not cool it. Lately I wonder if I should move. It would be a great opportunity to go through all my stuff, to finally clean everything top to bottom, pack it all up, take it somewhere else. But moving is expensive and traumatic. I'm unprepared. I'm listening to Loudon Wainwright III, and it's a good thing. I miss listening to music - usually I get online with only the TV on for background 'music'. I need music, and I've not listened to the Walkman lately, not the home stereo, nothing. Today I turned on my radio at work, played college radio turned down so low I could barely hear. End of the day I found a way to control the out of control volume control, turned it up a bit, left it there when I left for the day. End of the day, my last hour, alone in the department as I am now that last hour, I cut my nails and filed them. I listened to music and read. It was nice. The callers are subdued at times, at times angry, but telling someone over and over that you can't help him, or her, is draining. Telling multiple someones is even worse. We're surviving. I'll never forget Ali McGraw, of all people, telling me I'm a survivor. She just looked at me, and told me that I am, like she is. I was schocked, said yes, of course, we are, and she signed my copy of her book, I told her I worked at the store, she thanked me, it was nice. And Jane Fonda asked if I was a vegetarian. Said I looked healthy. She should see me now. My skin looks horrible, I'm stressed out, I've aged more years than it's seemed living them. I hear rain outside, sounds like sleet almost, but maybe just a hard cold rain, the worst kind. I plan to watch Trista and Ryan's wedding later. Yeah, sounds like two people I might know, huh? But it's two people who met on a 'reality show', and now ABC has paid them to get married and let them tape it and show it to an audience starved for escapism. LJ drama. I hate the Interweb. And the people who use it, they're not real. Maybe I should amend that. I love the Interweb, I hate the people who act like less than human when they get on their computers and log in. Imagine what my life would have been like if my brother had never given me my computer. I never would've bought one, guaranteed. I never would've been able to afford it, I don't charge things to pay them off in installments, it wouldn't have happened. I wish... I wish I'd quit my job after the first year, found something else. I wish I'd never gotten this computer. I wish I still used the little word processor Brent sold me all those years ago, printing out pages and pages of angsty rants for only me to read and file away. I wish I still went out and got crazy when I needed social interaction. And I wish I'd never met at least half of the people I have in my life. I'm not filled with regret, but I wish things hadn't happened the way they have. There's no way to change my life, but I got the short end of the stick. Cost of the War in Iraq
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