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Monday, Jan. 28, 2002 / 6:55 p.m. ~My TV Journal~ I just ate a Super Star burger with cheese, from Hardee's. And "regular" fries. Why do they always have to load up the fries box? I want small fries, you call them "regular", but I want a small order, so don't fill it so damned full. You know? Good god, why did I order that? I think I had an idea of a craving for a cheeseburger and fries, not the actual craving. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing what I crave. Never not knowing what I ought to be eating. That's easy. And if I'd ever shop at the Farmer's Market I'd get the good stuff. I can see me doing it, can see me wandering the aisles, choosing, feeling, smelling, looking at everything, but I just don't have the energy. I wrote a really horrible entry earlier today, from work, but I chose not to post it. I choose not to re-read it. I've been exceptionally miserable lately, and there was no way I wanted to write all about it here. This doesn't seem the right place, not anymore. I think it did, once, yes, it did, it was a place where I could write almost any thought at all. Not anymore. Oh wow, that burger, those fries, I am so wiped out now! I was dead all day. Just sat and read - and I am almost completely caught up with my Entertainment Weekly subscription now. Soon, very soon, I will start reading books again! I am so excited! It was warm today, 15 degrees above normal, so they say. 71 degrees fahrenheit. The sun felt like a flame on my exposed skin. Hot! Why does the sun feel so hot? Are we hurtling towards it? Are we okay? Planetarily speaking?? Have we lost too much ozone? It's kinda scary....January.....71 degrees, the sun too hot, burning hot, when it hits me. I just don't know anymore. Oh, and the familiar brown haze hangs over the city skyline, visible from the Interestate and the cross street nearby..... "Dr. No" is 1 hour and 52 minutes long. (oh, we're changing the subject here) ABC dragged it out to 3 hours on Saturday night. Some lame bit with the cast of "According to Jim" preceded most commercial breaks. Stupid, very stupid. But I watched anyway. Why? Good question. I own almost all the James Bond films on videotape. I signed up, some TV offer a few years ago, okay, maybe 12 years ago, but they sent me one, then another, then another, and I simply paid for them. Until I got wise and said, STOP! And they stopped. So, I still don't have "You Only Live Twice", a very good movie. Even so, I don't watch them. I have LOTS of videotapes, movies on tape, stuff I taped off cable, all kinds of videotaped entertainment, but I never watch. There's something about the thrill of catching something "live". Sort of, Oh, look what's on! "Dr. No" is on!!!! Oh, I LOVE that movie, I think I'll watch that. Even though ABC will drag it out to 3 fucking hours with zillions of commercials!!! Insane. Still a good movie. I'm thinking I should have a TV Journal. What I watched, when, how, where. Last night was part one of Stephen King's "Rose Red" (which I heard Lulu call "Red Rose" today at work - I know she misses talking about TV with me, I know it). It was hokey, but you know what? It was actually scary. Something about it...his characters are always such sick fucks! Of course any time a refrigerator oozes blood, well, it's scary, gross and scary. I saw that scene and said, to myself of course, "Oh shit, why am I watching this? This is really gross". But I did. And tonight, after possibly watching "Fear Factor", which is fun, face it, yeah it's jumping from something, bugs or slimy stuff, then jumping from something else, but still, it's fun, I'll watch Part two of "Red Rose". It has a good story. The whole exposition, the part with the Professor describing the events which led to her wanting to research, the whole history of the house, the house that adds on to itself...., well, that was pretty cool. It's an old fashioned ghost story, but my guess is tonight's episode will be not so old fashioned. Scary, yes, but very new millenium Stephen King, not the Stephen King I read when I was in high school. That might be all I have. I've been very depressed, sort of Diagnose me and Medicate me depressed, but we'll assume it's due to the PMS, and to tonight's full moon, which was PINK and beautiful rising tonight on my way home from work. Oh, and it's a lot of things, not just hormones, it's the horrible stuff that happened here, the horrible stuff that happened with Lulu at work, the fact that everyone is fine, except me, now. I can't forgive her for betraying me so explicitly, and for lying, but Laverne seems to have. Everyone is chummy, but moi. I can't forget that quickly. It takes a while. But work is more hell than it's been. I do enjoy reading, but having to hear everyone around me, the constant chatter, laughter, and Listerine not only humming but cracking pecans (!)....I was miserable today. I'm miserable every day. Really. To varying degrees. It seems that any joy, happiness or hope is gone from my life. That sounds trite and ridiculous, or like I need therapy, I know, and I'm sorry you have let yourself read it. But it's true. Let's hope it gets better soon. Let's hope it is just PMS, that I'll find another job soon, that things will change and all will be well. Or else it's going to be really hard to write anything here besides what I watch on TV. Cost of the War in Iraq
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