|
Saturday, Mar. 02, 2002 / 1:21 p.m. ~Not a Good Time~ I just got home from brunch at Anna and Guenter's. I hadn't seen them since New Year's Eve, and I still had a set of cups belonging to them, actually a groovy blue set of a pitcher and two cups which Guenter had filled with assorted goulashes that night/early morning, leftovers for me to take home. I'd washed them and kept them all this time, meaning to drop them off, but I'm never in their neighborhood. So, Anna had sent me an invitation to a brunch to celebrate their one year anniversary of living in this country. She'd emailed it, I'd finally emailed a response, heard nothing back, which is probably about right, then I'd called to make sure she got my email, I'd gotten voice mail, left a message, she called me back at work Thursday, left a message on my voice mail, and that's how it's been. Rather cold. I'd been dreading it, the brunch, for no real reason, except the perceived coldness. The fact that we don't talk, that we aren't really friends, that we once shared parts of ourselves, but there's been nothing since. She doesn't call, neither do I, she doesn't respond to emails I send her. I awoke one day this week thinking it was Saturday, thinking I had to get up to go to the brunch, was actually glad it was a weekday and I only had to go to work. Today was the day, and I set and re-set, and set again my alarm, not wanting to get up early on a Saturday, but I did, finally, around 9:30, had coffee, checked email, took a too hot bath, got dressed, and despite the headache I woke up with, and my overall PMSy exhaustion, and week-end tiredness as per usual, I drove, in the rain, to Midtown, to their wonderful apartment, stood knocking at an outer door for awhile before I just went on in, and there, standing around the table filled with food, were several people I'd never seen before, and Guenter. Luckily, Frank, the Puerto Rican videographer/protestor saw me and gave me a warm hug, asked how I am, and I walked towards Guenter, holding out the set of pitcher and two cups, thinking it very important I return them, and he didn't even remember they belonged to him. No hug from him, from my host, but he put water on for tea and we talked in the kitchen while he fried up some felafel. Anna seemed incredibly distant, like a total stranger, asked how I've been, I said I'd been working, going home, going to movies, basically not a lot, and that was that. No more conversation. She left my side. I wasn't introduced to anyone, so I did it myself, everyone seeming to barely speak English, a group of Germans Anna knows from the language school where she teaches. Frank and I chatted a bit, me asking if he's going to D.C. for the protest next month, and telling him how cynical I've become, how I don't feel we make a difference at all......he walks away as well. Guenter and I chat about the Olympics and movies while he cooks and I drink about four cups of Emperor's Choice tea. He tells me about the trip he and Anna took to New York in January, and the concert they went to last night, Wayne Shorter and some other jazz greats, but he fell asleep and Anna hated it. Finally, a couple arrives with a small child and suddenly there's somthing to do, something to focus on, entertainment of sorts. Little Andrew is 15 months old, and most fun to look at, to watch as he figures out what we're all doing. The table is filled with the usual Middle Eastern goodies, and Schnitzel, which is quite good. I've eaten, almost immediately, stuffed grape leaves, feta with herbs, potato salad, some sliced cured sausages, and egg salad with horseradish. I'm full, I'm enjoying my tea, I have a headache, I'm tired, Anna is avoiding me, Guenter is enjoying his guests, I sit down and try to chat with people I've never seen before, but there is no common ground. When someone named Chris mentions a nearby restaurant as a landmark, trying to describe where the crack sellers now hang out, and I don't know it, he says, "Oh, you're not from Midtown, are you?", like I'm from Mars. "No, not anymore, I used to live near here, but now I'm in the north suburbs, still, I know the area really well, never heard, nor read of that restaurant". End of conversation. I feel bored, tired, like I wish I'd never come, and most of all, I have this overwhelming feeling like people really don't like me. Isn't that weird? There was a French woman there, and I loved her right away, wanted to talk to her, wanted to speak in French to her, and I asked if she'd seen "Amelie", "Yes, it's cute". "CUTE"?! Ugh. She lives in the same condos where a friend of mine lives, so we talked of that, for a minute, before she scurried away. It felt like no one wanted to talk to me, no one wanted to look at me, I had some huge black cloud obscuring me, or some bad vibe, or aura, or I don't really know. Two guys who'd come, eaten, drunk beer (before noon), and said they had to go, had done exactly that, they'd gone. So, I thought, yeah, me too, it's been an hour or something, I'll just go too, people come and go from parties, I can too, so I tell Anna I'm going, I'm going to see a movie, and she looks distant, cold, startled, barely moves forward to hug me goodbye, it feels so awkward. I see Guenter, greeting Adam who has only just arrived, very late, and I say I'm leaving. He stops dead in his tracks, his eyes are huge, he is incredulous, asks Why?, and I say, "I have things to do", he says, "You're busy? When you knew we were having a brunch?", "Well, Guenter, I came, I've been here, thank you for inviting me, I'm leaving now", and Adam stands to the side, like he's gotten in the middle of something, and I turn to him and say, "Wow, I feel like a traitor or something, sorry!". It was so bizarre, so uncomfortable, I can't describe it as well as I'd like. I drove away shaking my head, saying aloud, to no one but me, "That was horrible, that was so awful, so uncomfortable, I never should've gone, I felt so horrible, so strange, it felt like no one there liked me, it was just so horrible, so horrible". I wonder if other people have that experience. Is it just me? Why was it me? I've been a dynamic person in my life, I've carried on lively conversations with total strangers, but I felt like Anna and Guenter couldn't have cared less that I was there. They didn't introduce me, nor anyone else, they didn't approach guests to make sure they were having fun, to make sure they were alright, or was it just me? I don't know, I guess I was never up for it, I guess it couldn't have gone any better, but I'd like to think it could have, that if I'd received a warm greeting, if I hadn't stood outside knocking, feeling foolish, if I'd been welcomed with a hello, a caring, "How've you been?", or something, not just ignored....... I'm becoming a very strange person, I think. My life is not what it was, it's turned in to something I never thought it would, and I can no longer seem to relate to anyone anymore. When I saw the child today, I thought, yes, here is someone I can relate to. Or an animal, though they don't have any, Anna and Guenter, but if they had....yes, animals and children, okay, but people? What can I say to you if I don't know you? Or if I do? What do you want to talk about? Asking me how I've been.....do you want me to tell you? Really? Will you wait while I respond? Can I tell you how I feel? Do we talk politics? The weather? It's a party, a brunch, but it's a stand around with a plate of food and chit chat situation, and I have nothing to add, I can't relate, not to anyone. And to feel that I am from some other planet, that I either don't exist or I exist as some enigma, or cloud of vapor, a mere assemblage of molecues, what is the point? I'll never forget Guenter's reaction to my leaving. Really. It was so odd, like he was losing his best friend, but how can he react that way when I haven't even seen him, haven't even talked to him since New Year's Eve? We're not friends. We've been together, in certain circumstances, he's invited me into his home, but what am I to him? I'm nothing. It's me, isn't it? It's a major PMSy thing, isn't it? I just see other people coming and going from parties, they arrive, they shake hands, they fill plates, they eat, they grab beers, Mimosas, they drink, they chat, they say their goodbyes. I thought I'd try it, why didn't it work? I do need to live in a cave, don't I? I give up on people, there is no point in me trying to relate to them. I won't have friends, I know that. Just me and the girls, that's all I will have, I need to be okay with that. And really, I just wanted to return that pitcher and cup set, that groovy, sort of retro blue plastic set, that once contained some sort of goulash or something. I just wanted to return them, that's all. Funny thing is, I am still hungry, I could sure go for some of that felafel and tzatziki sauce, or some more schnitzel or some of that fruit salad, that potato salad.....I really could have sat and eaten a lot more, drunk more, had a Mimosa after my tea, but I wasn't having a good time. That's all. I simply wasn't having a good time. Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |