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Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003 / 10:44 p.m. ~Scared, Vulnerable, Lonely - Odd For Me~ I had to decrease my Windows font size to run my Kodak Photo CDs, so I could export some photos from the recent demonstrations in D.C. to send to my cousin, but this monitor is so small, and the image doesn't even fill it, so now the font is teeny tiny, and I'll have to set it back when I log off so it will be 'normal' for tomorrow. Last night I managed to squeeze out a thousand words for my NaNo project, but I stayed up too late, after 1:00, in fact, after 1:30, and work is stressful, especially with this huge undercurrent of uncertainty, other people on site asking us what's going on, who's staying, etc., and Q bugging the shit out of everyone with her absolutely hostile attitude about being laid off. Yeah, it must suck when you're the only rep out of six who is leaving, but the woman has a learning disability, a speech impediment and a hearing impairment, which leads me to believe she was never cut out for call center activity in the first place, and I remember distinctly when she got hired a few of us saying, "Huh?" I try to like her, I really do, and I have this bizarre capability to see the good in everyone, really, it's potentially a good quality, but I need to be more realistic. Q is vicious. I was telling her today that I think I'm going to hate the new job, and I think she was biting her tongue not to say, "Good!" She resents the hell out of all of us. Some women today asked if she's staying, and when she said no they asked why not. She says to me, "Why the hell do they wanna know?", and I said, "Because they care?", so she says, "If they cared they wouldn't be kicking me out", but it's not the women in the other department who are kicking her out, it's our management who have chosen her as least valuable player, along with H., our Supervisor, of all people. It's really, really awkward. I mean really. And uncomfortable. And I sit with my magazines and my free weekly and when I get a free moment I can't even concentrate to read. I read the words, but they don't sink in at all. I can't believe I was able to concentrate on the novel enough to pound out a thousand words last night. And today I wrote a long letter to my cousin, to which I attached the photos I mentioned. I went shopping, again, at the Farmers Market/Whole Foods store, bought a lot of actual fresh food, like veggies and fruits, raw materials with which I must cook actual good and healthy meals this weekend, and as many days following as the food stays fresh. I look forward, but it's an obligation suddenly. On my way to my apartment I drove to the mailboxes and there is a light out there, I mean a light is out, at the boxes, one of the sources of illumination, and it's fucking dark now after work, I hate it, really, it's a bad idea to have it that dark that early in the day, just horrible. I'm not kidding, whoever is elected President next year ought to change that rule. Set the clocks back, forward, back, just leave them the hell alone for a change! Oh right, so it was dark, and as I got out I saw someone coming toward me, a man with a hooded jacket on, and I couldn't even see his face, just that he was coming toward me and it was dark, and I thought of the time the woman was grabbed at her apartment complex's mailboxes, shoved into her car, raped, and her car was stolen. This shit happens around here. My mailbox was empty, my Entertainment Weekly is very late, and this is pissing me off, and another car came up, shining its headlights on me as I rushed back into my car, locked my door behind me, drove back to my apartment. Then I saw the guy running in the other direction. I figure he was checking his mail too, and it was really cold and incredibly windy so he was running back inside, but he could've been a rapist in the dark, how would I know? I'm going to call the apartment office tomorrow, assuming I remember. I keep waiting for someone else to alert them to the burned out bulb, or for them to notice on their own, but neither seems to be happening. Then I'm about to unload my trunk of all my goodies from the store, my dill Havarti and honey maple ham, and my ribeye I'm going to cut into three steaks, and my baby zucchini, my spinach and colorful peppers, mushrooms, lettuce, egg salad, sour cream to make ranch dip, etc., etc., and all I can think of is that time a few months ago when the off duty cop was approached in an armed robbery attempt. He was getting his groceries out of his car, in the dark. I was totally paranoid and scared, and felt very alone, very vulnerable, and after days of having no one to talk to, couldn't wait to come in and just talk to myself, the cats, turn on the TV for company. I'm not feeling self pity, but more like I'm looking at my situation objectively and feeling very sad about it. Must be early PMS. I think it's about that time. Thank god it's been a short week for me and tomorrow night I'll have a weekend to look forward to. At least "Survivor" was good tonight. I hope Rupert wins the whole thing, he's such a cool person. I love when he looks at the person he's speaking to so intently right in the eye, like a death stare. He's powerful and strong and dynamic and charismatic. I'm seriously attracted. We're getting a hard freeze tonight. Yesterday it was near 80, today around 40. Q and I walked on both our breaks, morning and afternoon, but by afternoon she was impossible to cheer, even when I pointed out the beauty of the day. What I want to say to her is that getting laid off is probably better than being sent to do data entry in the other department. I may not last at all. My wrist will not take it. And the boredom will crush me. I'm going to eat an apple now, cut my steak and freeze it (they cut them so thick they make three steaks if cut correctly), try to plan how to use all my food the most effectively, and try to remember everything I need to do, starting with calling the apt office in the a.m. Cost of the War in Iraq
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