Sunday, Aug. 04, 2002 / 5:53 p.m.

~On Winning the Lottery, and Closeted Pop Stars~

I dreamed I won the Lottery. I had a ticket, but it wasn't a typical ticket, it looked more like some kind of paystub, or receipt, it had a carbon copy attached, numbers printed out on some sort of machine, not a Lottery machine. I must've been watching the drawing live because I was paying attention to how many numbers I'd matched, Hey, I matched THREE numbers, isn't that worth something? I think it was 8-4-1. I was getting excited, in disbelief really, Wow, I think I won something, more than just a dollar or two. Then I realized I matched more numbers, then more, and soon I noticed I'd matched all SIX. I'd won.

I'd won.

No, I'd won. Really.

I couldn't believe it, I refused to believe it. I checked and double checked. I turned in my odd looking ticket for a 'real' ticket. I wanted it to look right, I wanted to see the numbers in the usual context. I asked someone else to look at them. Yes, I matched all SIX numbers. Yes, I'd won.

I refused to let myself become any kind of excited. I balked. Disbelief. A mistake. Surely. I had two rows of numbers, both the same, on this one ticket, two tickets on one, both lines matched. It must be a glitch, how could one person buy two winning numbers on one ticket?

Soon I was calculating. Let's see, $25 Million, divided by half for taxes, just over $10 Million total, divided by the other person whose ticket I also had, I'd bought the second for someone else. Roughly $5 Million a piece. Suddenly it didn't seem like much. That's not enough, not much at all, it won't last long, etc.

Then.... also suddenly, everything happened suddenly in this dream, I shouted it, I was happy, I was elated, I WON THE LOTTERY! I WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY! I was going to rush over to a car dealership to buy a new car, and then I realized I didn't know exactly which car to buy. I wanted the new Toyota Matrix, but why? Because of storage room? I like a car with storage, never know when you're going to have to move bookcases or something. I was picturing air conditioning, good gas mileage, a CD player, but then I thought, No, I need to consult Consumer Reports, maybe I can look online, I can't rush into this. Maybe I want a hybrid, I just don't know.

I'll get a loan, don't want to spend all my money at once, $5 Million will be gone so quickly. I WON THE LOTTERY! I couldn't believe it.

I awoke.

I tried to remember the winning numbers, but they weren't real winning numbers, there were ZEROs. There are no ZEROs in real winning Lottery numbers.

I've never dreamed anything like that before. It was awfully nice. I felt so hopeful, so relieved. I could quit my job, I could get a car with air conditioning and a way to play music. It was so nice. I couldn't stand being awake after that, so I went back to sleep, dreaming of my dream, dreaming of trying to remember my dream, dreaming of relaying my dream.

Eventually I got up. I made and drank strong coffee. I started to watch "Guiding Light" on tape, on the new tape I bought at Wal Mart, but it's defective, it has this horrible white line through the picture. I've adjusted the tracking, but it still sucks. It's hard to watch. So hard that I took a break to get online. Didn't want to get online, pissed someone off on the message boards and actually dreaded getting back online to see what she wrote in response.

I found a quote online, attributed to Moby, and I've no reason to doubt its validity, but it's not favorable, depending on who you are, what you want from Moby. In the quote, he admits to having had homosexual relationships. I merely posted it, and the source from which it came, and the fact that I found it 'interesting'. Sort of a "Hmmmmmmmm...." kind of response elicited from me. Okay. "Hmmmmm..... alrighty then. Okay then." That sort of thing.

Oh, the reactions I got. The one, the one in question, the one who filled me with dread awaiting her reaction today, is calling it 'gossip', after initially saying "Who cares?". Unh huh. Who cares, is right! YOU do, sister. If your Mo is sucking off the boys then what does that mean for YOU?! HUH?

Yeah, well, it made me feel just a tad differently. He's addressed his supposed homosexuality in his journal, more than once, addressed the people who keep 'accusing' him of being gay. What he says is something like this, and notice how defensive and ambiguous it is: "Why should it matter whether someone is straight or gay or bisexual? We're all people, as long as we're loving each other, how could any sex be bad? Sex is good, I love everyone...", blah, blah. Not a direct quote, not by a long shot, but dude, if you're gay, own up to it. That's what I say. Your gay fans will appreciate it more than you know, and so what if you alienate a few of the fundamentalist Christians, you'll still sell records. Do you really think we'll stop buying tickets to your shows?

In the quote, he says "I'm mainly heterosexual". That's funny. Do you know what that means?

Yeah, I mainly like men, but I occasionally fist some chicks too. Um, I'm not, like, 'gay' though. No.

Okay, I believe we are all essentially bisexual. Most of us have a preference though. I don't care what anyone else does, as long as no one gets physically hurt. But why fool yourself? Why fool your fans? It irks me to no end when 'celebrities' stay in their closets. If we were all just real, REAL, about who and what we are the world would be a much more accepting place. The fact that so many people hide, for fear of lost money, or any other sort of repercussions, pisses the fuck out of me.

Moby, if you're gay, rejoice in it! Be happy. Don't keep lying to your fans, the ones who hang on your every word.

The chick in question, the one who insists I'm engaging in 'gossip', is the one who writes a little daily 'journal' to Moby on the boards. Oh yeah. One whole thread, written to him, all about how she is spending her time, and she talks to him in it, asks him how he slept, how he's enjoying his tour, etc. I read that and think, "HOLY FUCK, I hope I've never come off sounding as deranged and potential-stalkerish as she does!"

Sigh. What do I care? What does anyone care? The only way you might care at all is if you actually hoped to have sex with the guy, which at one point I did seriously consider. And if he'd been more amenable in that parking lot outside his show a couple weeks ago, well, Stephanie and I would've had the guy in the hot tub at her hotel. But now I think, hmmmmmm....., maybe the bus would've waited, but maybe he prefers boys. He sure does make it a point to say he likes women. Why is that? Why does his bassist, Greta, post it on her web page too? Caption to one of the photos there is something about "Moby loves the women". Why the need to reiterate that? Are we hiding something?

Fun.

Good times.

Guess I better go try to watch that tape. And then I should throw it in the garbage. And buy a new one, of course. I can't watch a tape so screwy, not every day.

I love weekends. This is pure luxury. Lounging around in air conditioned comfort, in my nightshirt, watching TV, playing around online. Pissing people off in message boards. What could be better?

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