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Friday, May. 24, 2002 / 7:01 p.m. ~Pre-Holiday Friday Means Leaving Work Early~ My videotape was full. I could just stop there and that would be such an enigmatic entry, no? But what it really means is that I got up first thing this morning and watched "GL" on tape so that I could have room to tape today's episode. Standing in my tshirt and nothing else, coffee in hand, watching, fast forwarding through commercials, running to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth, running back in to fast forward, absorbed by the absurd plot lines currently ongoing. Skipping a shower, and at the last minute changing clothes maybe three times, realizing I have a closet, a chest of drawers, and a dresser positively stuffed with clothes I am not allowed to wear to my job, not even on Casual Friday. Feeling scuzzy, but cloud nine-ish, unable to keep it from them, I told them of the kissing, the "date", the gallery, him, Jon, what it was like, what he was like, how I have no idea what happens next, and how I think most likely nothing. They don't understand, but they loved the kissing part, wanted to know if tongues were involved, oohed and aaahed when I told them how nice and fuzzy his head is. They were my little family today. The women. I left early, skipping lunch. I skipped a lot today. The 6:00 crew could leave at 4:00, the 5:00 crew could leave at 3:00. Kukla offered to stay 'til 4:00, to get 8 full hours, and I left at her 3:00 slot, skipping the lunch, taking 2 hours of sick time to make up for it. I didn't care. I still have over 3 days of sick time and 7 days of vacation for the year. I'm doing fine. I left at 3:00, deposited two paychecks, went to McD's and idled in the drive thru, briefly, as this McD's is efficiency personified. In. Out. We moved. Quarter Pounder With Cheese, small fries, Caesar Salad with chicken, shake up salad kind of thing, whatever it's called. A craving. Hungry. Eating at home in front of the PC, reading all my favorite diaries, taking vitamins and Echinacea because I'm not taking care of myself and don't want to lose my immunity. Losing My Immunity. Isn't that an REM song? It's a joke. I kid. Only took about three hours to catch up on everyone's lives. I feel complete now. I can relax now. I've read my horoscope, I've read lives, I've written, oh, I AM writing, I'm almost ready to walk away, to go lie down, stare at the TV and let myself nap. I'm skipping the free India.Arie show tonight. Why? Dunno really. I think I'm kind of worn out. Too much excitement. I can't see going downtown and being with that many people. I hardly slept last night. I didn't eat. It was that Oscar Meyer smoked turkey, the severe indigestion, then bizarre stomach pains, discomfort all night. I awoke at 4:00 a.m. with it. Not cramps, maybe excess stomach acid, maybe wine and beer and no food, maybe kissing a stranger. And I dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. He came back to me (I dream this frequently), but I'd met someone new. At some point we sat together, we three, the ex on my left, the new person on my right, me holding their hands, the ex angrily removing his hand from mine, me taking it back, Can't we all be together? How would that be? But he wanted to warn me about the new person, tell me he is not what he seems. He has a history I know nothing about. I awoke from that one. I went over it in my mind. I saw it. It was so clear. Kissing the new person, and the ex coming back, I'd missed him. Could it all be any more obvious, really? Do I even have a SUBconscious? Isn't it all just CONscious? I've been reading about Pisces men. Jon is Pisces, Mark is Pisces. I wanted to know what to expect with Jon, I think I know what to expect with Mark. Jon simply baffled me last night. I was baffled. So I read: "...of all the signs in the zodic, he may be the least sexually aggressive... situations always seem to present themselves - perhaps because he is ever alert to all possibilities. And since he has such a friendly way of approaching and then turning passive, women often feel compelled to make the first move... Sexually, he tends to be passive and prefers that the woman make most of the moves. While he'll keep up his part enthusiastically, he is far more of a follower than an initiator. Therefore, he's most comfortable with aggressive women who take over, while he floats off in his head... He can be so passive he can make you feel that you're producing, directing, and acting alone in your own romantic drama. And due to his elusive personality, it could be that you are... Make sure you're not always available when he calls. Always make him work to please you, since he will appreciate you more when you keep him on his toes. Never let him forget the power you have over him, and he'll be your ardent admirer for as long as you want him." Yeah? Been there. My first boyfriend. Frankly, I don't want a guy who makes me do all the work, who's lost inside himself, elusive, enigmatic, making me guess. Not that this is who Jon is, but I don't think anything more will happen. You know I say these things so I am not hurt when they come true, but I don't feel he's anything I could handle in the long run. I'm glad we didn't jump into a bed last night and fuck each other's brains out. I'd feel horrible about it today. Kissing was nice, but that's about it. Besides, I can tell he's not the jealous type, and I like a little jealousy. Nothing extreme, but if you can let me go just like that, to be with someone else, forget it. Astrology is interesting. I take it somewhat lightly, unless it's chart interpretation, but I like to read it all anyway. Jon's birthday is the same as my old dog Tuffy's. Or was it Toughie? I don't know. My mom actually bought Tuffy. A purebred poodle. Very intelligent. Sort of between a standard and a miniature, not a toy, but that medium build. Smart, smart dog. We couldn't keep him for some reason, my grandmother moved down from Chicago and my mom let her keep him. "Keep" him. Which meant he eventually was hers. She'd wipe his paws after their walks. She'd cook him chicken livers. She loved him intensely. After she died, my brother and sister in law were watching him, "keeping" him while I was away at college. Story goes that Tuffy ran out in front of a car on the very quiet circle that held our house. The house from my dreams. He committed suicide, the story goes, and died quickly. To this day I don't know. But he and Jon have the same birthday. March 7th. Time to lie down now. It's been great reading all the diaries, even Moby's. I'm all caught up and can rest comfortably. I hope I find energy later, post-nap, for I need to stretch my Yoga stretches, do my isometrics and lift weights. I can see muscles instantly popping up in my arms and shoulders. It's nice. Cost of the War in Iraq
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