Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 / 7:19 p.m.

~Getting Ready~

I am stuffed! I hit the 'hot bar' at the Farmers Market, or the Farmers Market/Whole Foods Market actually, and I done good. A HUGE Cajun flavored chicken breast, really yummy (a bit salty on the skin, but yummy), and some roasted potatoes and carrots, some squash, some green beans with garlic. Some stuff. Good ness. And I ate fast, on account of I was hunGRY. So now, yeah, mmmmm.

I know I've been slacking off here lately, but honestly, do you care? No, see, didn't think so.

I read some other diaries, and read the guestbooks, and I mean some people get all kinds of love and affection on a daily basis and I get nothing. I'm just a big fat misanthropic curmudgeon, on the outside, so you don't see the soft vulnerable needy me on the inside, so you just say, Ah, fuck you, most of the time. I get it. I'm okay, don't worry about me.

Work has been crazy busy this week, mad busy, insane busy, just piles and piles of 'documents' to process, and the phone calls, Oy! with the phone calls.

One day a guy says to me, "Jeez, lady, you're worthless!", and I think I hung up on him faster than he could hang up on me, because I knew he'd never stay on the line after saying that, no, that was an exit line if I ever heard one. All because he basically had the wrong number and I couldn't help him.

Say you call your Visa card company for help with your electric bill, and the rep says she can't help you, and it's because you're stupid and you didn't listen to the prompts on the automated phone line and you got connected to the wrong company, right? Would you tell her she's worthless? Like, as a human being worthless? Or what?

Next day I get a woman yelling at me because I want to know if she needs her salary verified for public assistance or housing, on account of we don't verify for public assistance, on account of they want details, like month to month, etc, and we don't do that. We just don't. She gets all uppity (don't be ashamed you're on welfare, girlfriend, it happens to a lot of people), and when I tell her to stop yelling at me because I have a headache she tells me how rude I am, and every time I open my mouth to answer her questions, or to tell her SHE's being rude, unh huh, not ME, it's YOU, sister, she interrupts me and gets louder and louder, and she hangs up on me, calls right back, the phone line transfers her to me, on account of it just does that, and she says she wanted another rep, and she yells at me some more, and I hang up on her, and she calls back and gets Q, and Q tells her to stop hollering, and she says, oh, okay, I sorrreeee. Why?

ON ACCOUNT OF Q's BLACK!

Fucking racist asshole bitch. Didn't want to listen to whitey, no. I get it. So did Q, instantly. We're not as stupid as we seem.

Q. She's been great. She's great a lot, and then she's not. And then she is, and it's me, isn't it? I love people, I hate them, and vice versa, and how in hell has anyone ever cared for me? I am impossible.

She was so nice asking me about the felines, and their new auto feeders, and how much did I spend, and how do the girls like them, and listening when I told her how great it is to come home and see they've already been fed! And she asked me all about the bus trip, and she almost considered going, until she found out she'd be on her feet all day.

So, right, at night, lately, I come home and eat and plop down in front of the TV, hug the girls, and veg out. No PC, too much trouble, no desire to sit here and write, too much trouble, and who cares, it's not like anyone misses me (that's your cue to say, "Do too!").

So, I'm stuffed. I'm off work tomorrow and Monday, and whoo hoo to that! Tomorrow I panic, finally choose what I want to wear to D.C., and wear in D.C., and wear on the way back, and worry if I need to do laundry, and should I take this, and what about that, and it's just two nights and one day, and who will sit next to me THIS time, and can't I just have two seats to myself?, and maybe I'll meet 'somebody', and maybe this will be the best Demonstration yet, and I think there are going to be HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people there, I think it's going to be HUGE, and I am going to miss my bed, and I am going to miss my girls, and I know they'll be okay because these auto feeders rule!

But god how the girls have kept me up all night since I set up the feeders. I couldn't set them to open up the compartments at their usual feeding times, too short a time frame, so I set them to the example on the back of the box, 6:00 p.m., and 8:00 a.m., and oh jesus, these poor cats having to wait until 8:00 a.m., and not knowing why I'm ignoring their desperate pleas for supper, and me joking with them that they're eating supper for breakfast, and them waking me up all fucking night long, and G bouncing off the bed, and finally falling asleep so she doesn't hear the compartment open, and I do, and the other one doesn't open at the same time, so I make it open, and I'm panicking again thinking what if they don't open at the same times and one cat eats it all and the other doesn't, and I don't know, but they tried to fool me when I got home tonight, and I could tell they'd eaten already.

Sweet.

Just remembering hearing that thing open, seeing Glad sitting all casual on the bed, like she's not used to the sound yet, it's not registering yet, and I am indeed glad I set these things up a few nights ago, but I remember this morning and all the dreams I had, about my old apartment in midtown, going back there, and all the crazy dreams I've been having.

It happens when you wake up over and over and over, like in a sleep lab, but there's no one in a lab coat writing it all down, no electrodes attached.

I just went blank. That's scary. Did I have a point, at all?

Um, been busy, check. Excited about trip, check. Going to Washington to protest my government's recent stupidity, to get the troops out of Iraq, to end the occupation, to optimistically speak out and hope to be heard, at least by the media.

Look for me on TV. Watch C-SPAN, they'll probably show the Rally. I think I'll try to tape it.

Oh, Jane and I have walked on our breaks at work this week, well, only twice, two breaks, two different days, but it's nice, and I like it. Q joined us today. Walking made me really loopy and sleepy afterward. Or maybe it was the orange flavored Halloween chocolates.

Lots of stuff going on really, like the 10th anniversary of our company, the company that pays me to work, and the silly little celebratory crap they're doing for us every day, trivia quizzes about the site, the customer (the big multinational corporation which has us under contract to do the work they are too lazy to do), and the stupid gifts they've given us, real extravagant stuff, like 'sticky notes' with our logo on them and today Halloween pencils. And orange flavored chocolates. Oh, candy dishes in every department. Man, they went all out, huh? Drawings for days off with pay. Big fooking deal.

Tomorrow is an Italian Lunch, I'm guessing spaghetti and garlic bread. I won't be there. So sad.

Well, it's TV night, the "Survivor", "CSI", "ER" triumverate, but last week's "CSI" was a repeat, imagine that. Too early in the season for that crap, thank you. And I forgot to watch that new Comedy Central cartoon, the one about Bob Evans. Dammit.

Only other news is my stupid menstrual cycle. It's fucked up, for the first time in months, if not years. I'd ask if I'm pregnant, but I think that's technically impossible. I've been dying to get it over with before I board the bus, but it's all but ceased. Must be anxiety, stress, and those stupid people who yelled at me on the phone. I'm so sensitive, people don't see that.

Today I pointed out to Q that the Site Manager won't look me in the eye. She said she noticed. I told Jane it's because he senses my incredible sexual magnetism and he is terrified because he's gay. I asked her if she thinks I'm scary, does she think men think I'm scary, and she said 'intimidating maybe', then laughed and said she was just kidding. Am I intimidating? Damn, it's all bark, don't people realize that?

I'm rambling, I feel like there's more, but basically that's it. Maybe I'll write something tomorrow before I leave.

Cost of the War in Iraq
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