Thursday, Dec. 04, 2003 / 9:46 p.m.

~Sick Fucks~

I understand that it's all about the entertainment value of people's lives now. Is this entertaining? It's my life.

It was never about entertaining, it was about being heard, or in this format, being read. Sharing. Exposing.

I'm soured.

The day started so well, we had so much fun, Jane and I, Jane filling in for Kukla on vacation. Jane being what Kukla could never be, FUN.

Did I mention the time Kukla and I went to my favorite dance club and she sat at the bar, fell asleep sitting there while I danced alone? Mmm hmm.

And the last hockey game we went to, and why did I agree to go with her?, where she sat, little more than a lump of flesh, bones, blood, guts, eating fries because her stomach was upset. She'd only say "Really?", "Yeah?", "Huh", when prompted.

Or the time we went to the upscale club, the one where the bossa nova dj played his newest, spun and spun and my ass could not stay in my chair, I fucking bossa nova-d all over the place, and Kukla sat? Did I mention that? Men would come by, on account of how cute she loooked, buy her drinks, and she'd turn away from them, pull away when they tried to drag her up to dance.

She talks about having fun, but she is incapable.

Jane is FUN personified. She is wonderful, even when she's cranky and bitchy. I love to make her laugh, and she makes me laugh, and we start talking and can't stop, and I told her, "I haven't talked to anyone, really talked, since last Wednesday", because that was the day before Thanksgiving vacation.

She slid right over my saying I'd spent that entire holiday weekend alone, she didn't need to dwell or look for reasons why, and I kept saying, "Leave me alone! I have to get to work! Stop talking to me! Shouldn't we be working?", and I did impersonations of Kukla's defiant and bossy demeanor, and we gossiped about Kukla and how she'll never lose her job because her sister is our Manager, but that's our old gossip, we barely had new to add.

And insult to injury, my last impression included me covering my right eye, as Kukla is missing that eye.

Mean, mean. Jane laughed so hard she almost peed, and she told me again and again how bad and how sick I am, and I said, "You bring out the devil in me", and I kept saying I wanted to have sex, and I want, no, need to know if the Site Manager is gay or not, finally, because I want to have sex with him, so find out, okay?, and she said she would, and we made dirty jokes about him, and his sideburns, and oral sex and we went on and on, me at her cubicle, her at mine, three cubes away.

He'd come by, first thing, thanking me for dealing with the hell of the past three days, and I let everyone know, management, anyone who'd listen, because Kukla does not, what hell it was, and he asked if I wasn't lonely there today, and I said no, Jane and I had some social interaction first thing, I have my radio, it's fine, the phones are fixed now, they don't ring, this was how it was supposed to be, and thank god it only took three days.

And he said, "You're staying, don't worry, we'll find something for you to do, there are a thousand people who'd go before you, don't worry, you're not going anywhere", so I told Jane, and I told her how I want to have sex with him, and how good he made me feel, and what good management that was, and how it made me want to work harder, to do better, to be all I can be, to be a better employee, and stop talking to me, I have to WORK!

I played CDs on my computer, listened to James Brown and Moby, and sleepy college radio on the little portable radio, and tried to call the station to tell them it was too mellow to kick it up, but they'd left the dj booth, the dj was in the can, or wherever, it was one of those 'now's a good time to go to the bathroom' songs, so I hung up and listened to the computer's CD ROM drive.

I typed and typed, data entry, serious data entry, over 300 documents, and it was obsessive, an obsessive endeavor, more and more and more, give me more, I can take some more, do you have some more for me? Jane, how many have you keyed? How many? I have 100. I have 200, I ended with 350, or so, how many, how many? How many should we do, do you know? What do they expect? I want to feel them tickle my thighs, those sideburns.

We worked overtime, and they ordered pizzas, and there are new people, temps, and there are cute white boys working as temps, and we ate pizza together, separately, in our cubicles, mine borrowed from someone else, not my cube. And I filed my work, or began and was told not to, no filing on OT, just key, key, key.

I left feeling I'd been scolded, that I'd worked so hard, that I'd tried so hard, that I'd wanted to do so much good, I'd wanted to be recognized, I'd wanted to know how it was going, was this right, was it enough, and it ended with quickly eaten sausage, then pepperoni on thin crust, and clocking out to eat the edges, the border crust. Afraid to be on the clock, singled out, and suddenly I wasn't in my comfort zone, it was the other side, it wasn't our department, and we had it so good, we did, for so many years, we had it made, and now, despite what he says, I don't want to be there any more than I ever did.

LiveJournal is a dead zone for me now. The ups and downs are down now, I'm removing people from my list there all the time, and they remove me, the smart ones, instantly, I hate them all, there's no one real there. Everyone will drop you in a heartbeat, and scroll through your life, looking for a little entertainment.

You're a commodity, your diary is my entertainment, they'll say, and you failed to entertain me, I scroll you now, babe, you are shit and I remove you like a pile of it stuck in the tread of my shoe. I need a stick to get rid of you, you linger, and I continue to smell the stink of you.

This is my life, man, it's not your entertainment, you sick fucks.

Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)

Run, Kitty, Run!

Previous - Next

New - 2012 - 2009 - 2008 - 2007 - 2006 - 2005 - 2004 - 2003 - 2002 - 2001 - Profile - Contact - Notes - Rings - Diaryland - Favourite Entries - ReadMe - Surveys - Random Entry

Recent Entries:

It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012

Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012

As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009

I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009

Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009

Happy Kitty

My Diary Was Reviewed at Ms Lovejoy's - Get Yours Reviewed Too!

Registered I was a nominee