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Sunday, Aug. 24, 2003 / 7:10 p.m. ~Soul Preservation~ Finding a new job seems a lot harder than it used to be. Either I'm horribly underqualified, or it pays shit, or it's exactly the same thing I'm doing now. I came really close to buying the Sunday paper, just to peruse the ads therein, but I didn't want all that paper lying around - lately I'm terrible at getting papers and catalogs in bags and to the recycling center. Crap is lying in piles all over. My resume sucks too. It really does. If someone is going to judge me as a person based on what's written in that thing, forget it. I'll never get another job. And I watched part of a Department of Labor job fair on Public Television today, but it was just a lot of horn tooting for the DOL, aren't we great, look at our Career Centers, here's what we offer, etc. And the job listings themselves? All jobs requiring years of experience, all engineering, and garbage truck drivers, and sheriff's deputies, and corrections officers, and crap, crap, crap. I was online late last night too, looking, reinstating my job search engine at flipdog, which has the most interesting listings. And one job I almost applied for, then got freaked out when I realized I had no cover letter ready to go. I hate applying without the face to face contact. I hate submitting a resume and being judged on that and that alone. And the Job Fair was totally geared toward the unemployed. What if you ARE employed but your job SUCKS and you want OUT so badly you can taste it? You want to do something different, but you don't know how to persuade someone to take a chance on you. My first job ever was due to persuasion. Someone took a chance. And every job since I've gotten on the spot. Sure, we'll hire you, can you come back tomorrow? I don't know how to get a new job. Isn't that sick? 5.5. years at one place has fucked me up completely. I never should've stayed this long. Past the racism, the power struggles, the constant subversion, the beating down of my will, the soul sucking. Why? For the money? This hasn't been me, but I hit bottom financially, I filed bankruptcy, I was desperate for solvency. I have it now, I should have a choice now. It shouldn't be so hard. I just don't want to face the rejection. It's like I get rejected every day all day at my current job, I'm constantly put down for who I am, for how I am, for the human being I am, for being intelligent, for being outstpoken, for being curious and wanting to better the environment there. To be rejected more, by other people, by strangers, I don't know, I just don't. And the Mars thing, on Wednesday, silly as it may seem, is freaking me out just a bit. What effect will it have on me? It ought to be a big day, regardless. I don't know what's going to go down at work. But, I've been semi-productive today, I got to the store to buy things needed, and I showered and dresssed and I'm watching my soap on tape, and it's really good, this past week. Must get back to it. Enjoying some wine, some good food I prepared myself, and this feels good. What doesn't feel good is the way I'm so beaten down by the people in power at my job. Knowing their inferiority full well, knowing what idiots they are, but that they have this power, my job is in their hands. They can fire me whenever they please. This week, next week. I can go to work every day and take full responsibility for all my job duties, and I can get my 100% quality reports, quarter after quarter, but it won't matter. We have a mutual dislike, or even hatred, and it makes for much tension. Gone are the days of waiting for money to drop into my lap, or playing the Lottery with the hopes I'd actually win. Reality is sinking in, and I have to try as hard as anyone else. And shifting, changing my 'career' is not likely. Networking does not work, not anymore. No more free rides. My own instant Karma is biting my ass hard, and this is how it is going to be. Things were taken care of initially, life was never easy, but there wasn't too much actual hardship, and now, this is now, this is the future. This is the scraping, this is the soul preservation struggle. From here on out. Wake up tomorrow, do it all again. And Wednesday? It's an event of astronomical proportions, quite literally, but may mean nothing otherwise. Unless one holds faith in Astrology, and then we'll see what we'll see. Meanwhile, the job search in earnest. Cost of the War in Iraq
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