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Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2003 / 7:12 p.m. ~Speaking Out, Taking it to the Top, Going Above Her Head, Airing Grievances, to End Petty Pissiness~ This morning I dreamed I was looking out a window at the night sky. Mars was a pale red dot next to the moon. I saw it immediately, remarked to someone, perhaps myself, "There's Mars", and it began to grow, waxing and red like a Harvest Moon, wispy clouds passing across it. The moon was large and white on the left, Mars red and equally large on the right. And then, the moon became a white airplane flying to the right, or East, towards Mars, and Mars was suddenly an orange-ish red airplane, a small passenger plane, dropping from the night sky - it crashed into a body of water below as I watched, shocked and slightly horrified, saying, possibly to no one in particular, "Did you see that?!" This morning at work I listened to The Chemical Brothers' "Dig Your Own Hole", one and a half times. There is a song, track 6, called "It Doesn't Matter" which was particularly appropos. Later, during track 10, "Where Do I Begin", there was industrial noise, far too reminiscent of the film "Irreversible". I could see the scene in the gay club, with the man smashing the other man's head with the fire extinguisher, to that horrible industrial sound, repetitive, endless, smash, smash, smash, pulpy head with smiling mouth. I've been "written up" at work. Whee! It's childish and it's petty, and my Manager (M) couldn't even tell me about it herself, had her henchman, or henchwoman, the newly returned Supervisor, deliver the bad news, with another Supervisor as witness. I signed the document, wrote next to my name, "I sign this document although I disagree with the statements herein - this is not an acquiescence". And I've left a voicemail message on the Site Manager's machine requesting a meeting to air my grievance. I came home and made copious notes, spoke them aloud, much to the cats' mutual confusion, no doubt. I gave them squeezes and head pats and I think all is now well. They didn't understand yesterday either, and avoided me accordingly. They are not exactly compassionate. My Manager is playing a power game with me, and it's not working. I can't walk out (though yesterday she suggested I quit), I can't afford not to get a paycheck the next few weeks, I can't afford a break in my earnings, there is nothing to fall back upon. I called a Temp Agency, but they have the same kind of shit, and the woman on the phone didn't seem to give a fuck if she helped me or not. Jesus, is it really the same all over? I want a chance to step into the Site Manager's open door, as I told him on my message, and as I have done before, as when I helped to get us all paid for leaving early on Holidays (yeah, that was ME, making a difference), and tell him how it really is in our department, tell him about our Manager (M), about the nepotism, about the informality, the cattiness, the lack of professionalism. This is the second time the Manager (M) has had a problem with me questioning her and has taken it out on me by writing me up, or noting it in my evaluations. And she's not confronted me directly, by the way. Nope. It's always a henchman who does her dirtiest work. I'm going to let him know, the Site Manager, I'm going to tell him as much as he'll hear, and it may not change a thing, I may be 'terminated', I may stay, but there is a chance that I can speak out, that I can defend my coworkers as well, and that the petty, childish, snarky, yes, "bitch" Manager (M), may get a 'write up' of her own. Who writes up Managers? Who observes their behavior with their employees and reprimands or commends? There is a lot to be said about the dunces in charge, and it must be said, and I intend to say it. I hope I keep a cool head, I hope he's amenable, as he was in our last meeting, and I hope he intends to remedy the situation, because it's not up to me, not alone, this is a two way street, there were two of us involved. I'm not going to be told I don't do a good job because I forgot one thing, during a time of great stress in the workplace. And I'm not going to be forced to kowtow and not question when questioning is so desperately needed. We'll see. I'll be nervous, I'll be gathering my notes, I'll be hoping I'm articulate, that I say all the important things, and I'll be hoping he is rational and logical, and I'll be expecting a lot from him because he's an Aries, and because he seems so fair. But when I look around at the entire site, I tend to question him as well, for if all that goes on is allowed to go on, regularly, isn't it really a reflection on how he is running the ship? He's the Captain, it's his ship, if there's a fight in the galley amongst the cooks, or two deck hands engage in fisticuffs on the foredeck, well, isn't it his responsibility? In other news, blueberry yogurt is good. Email and notes or guestbook signings from readers who care, is good. Cats lazily grooming on the faux Oriental is good. TV last night was good. Listening to my Walkman and reading Entertainment Weekly at work in the morning is good too. I'm finding good things. I have to find good things. I'm riled, I'm fueled by adrenaline, and even if I toss and turn all night thinking of all the things I hope I say tomorrow, just making the effort to go above (M)'s head is worth everything. This is a first for me, in all the time she's been our Manager. No one has gone above her head, not one person. We've all put up with her shit, cursed her behind her back, cursed Kukla for getting preferential treatment, and yet not one of us has gone to the man at the top to speak our minds. Not one, not yet. This is it. My prediction? Well, he's fair, he'll lock eyes with mine, I'll be distracted by the hypnotic gaze of those blue eyes, and the strawberry blonde eyelashes, long and feminine, I'll wonder what he's thinking as he listens to me, I'll try to remember to swallow, and not gesticulate so much, nor so wildly, as I tend to do, and when I'm through, I'll listen to him, as he thinks slowly before speaking, listen to that silence, then his carefully chosen words, and I'll hope he doesn't call her into the room to tell us what she thinks. This is a she said/she said situation after all. But it needs to be noted that it never needed to escalate, it was only her attitude that sparked my attitude, after all I was just sitting there. And it's that she doesn't like me and I don't like her, but let's find a way to work together, intelligently, professionally. If I must work on my manner, my delivery, she must work on hers as well. Must shower - I love showering at night now, going to bed clean, skipping the morning shower, having more time, or taking one then and one at night. Clean. "BB4" eviction later. Fun. Cost of the War in Iraq
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