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2002-01-08 / 7:21 p.m. ~Start Me Up~ I was sealing an envelope earlier today at work and noticed one of Norma's hairs about to be sealed inside. I blew it away, thinking it was inappropriate. Perhaps it wasn't. I'm composing in the cube. It's been quite a while since I've done this, but I felt an urge, so here goes. I got a new starter put in the vehicle today. It had been almost not starting for a couple weeks now, and yesterday it didn't almost not start, it didn't start at all, after work, a time when I want it to start, maybe most of all. Somehow I made it home for lunch, then back to work, then when it was all over, one of our hardest days yet, a day I enjoyed for the sheer challenge of functioning under extreme duress, I got in, turned the key, it did its little "ka click" thingie, then again, and again, and again, and again some more, and though the lights worked, the power seemed to function, the car did not. Luckily, I was the first one out the door, so when Penelope and Lulu came out I was already talking to D., the supervisor, telling her I might be late in the morning, I'd need a tow, etc. Penelope and Lulu insisted I get in the car with them (Penelope gives Lulu a ride home every day since Lulu's husband crashed their car), and I did not refuse. The wind was blowing really hard, it was freezing, and my mind was racing. We dropped Lulu off, Penelope took me to the place that put in the alternator back in July (read one of the "Pig Fuck" entries in this very diary�), they arranged for towing, and I left my key, feeling a sensation of total trust in strangers. It felt good. Penelope offered to pick me up in the morning, and I accepted. All was well. I washed dishes. I watched "Fear Factor", and two "Guiding Light"s on tape. I got in bed with cats, and slept, waking to a dream, one very vivid dream, as always, one I tried to forget, and apparently I succeeded. Penelope took me back to get the car at lunch. Yeah, at lunch it was fixed. Actually, I got to work at 9:00, thanks to P. (Penelope takes too long to type!), and there was a voice mail message from a mechanic, I called, yes, it's the starter, oh, and please tune it up and change the fuel filter, k?, and I got a "courtesy call": "Hi, this is so and so, just a courtesy call to let you know your car is ready", at about 10:15. !!! Wow. I was so amazed. A new starter, a tune up, all in an hour? No fucking way, I says, Yes fucking way, he says, sort of, expletives deleted. Lulu is feeling like she's "coming down with something", that awful feeling, that feeling I get once a month, but she may really be "coming down with something", so P. took us both to get the car, dropped us off, I handed over the magic credit card, a transaction took place, one costing me $330 on paper, and I drove Lulu and myself to eat lunch at the little Mexican place nearby. Willie somebody's. Willie's, or something, Cal-Mex, and it was excellent! I treated, and I'm not sure why. See, I am a nice person after all. I had a marinated tofu quesadilla with kick ass salsa, both tomato and cilantro, etc., and a tomatillo salsa. Sour cream. Mmmmm� Fruit punch, and talk of Laverne and Rasta, Lulu brought it up, not me, for once, and we are both disturbed by it. Lulu thinks they are close to "doing it". She thinks they are actually having an affair. Laverne is married. For 17 years she's married. Two kids. This is SO not good. Gossip. Yesterday, Kukla and her sister, the Manager (M), were both out. And this made things really easy for me, easier, anyway. I dreaded returning to work, I dwelled on it all weekend, my blowout with Kukla, my little emotional breakdown. All weekend I lay about, just beginning my glorious "moon time", my menstruation time, feeling like total crap, mostly emotionally, watching TV, eating junk food, worrying, worrying about my car, my job, and then my computer at home. Oh yeah, my computer crashed on Saturday night. I had to re-start in "safe" mode, and "safe" mode is weird! Have you ever seen it??? The colors are all off, the icons shift, sizes, fonts, everything changes. I realized it was the memory modules Guenter put in on New Year's Eve, and when I took the case off to look, one of them was partially popped out, no doubt the culprit. I think when Guenter was illustrating how to pop them in and out, these modules, he pulled back the bracket thingie which holds it in, pulled it back too far, and now it won't go back, won't hold it in. I took out the new modules, put the old ones back, and meanwhile lost some icons from my hard drive. How the fuck that happened, I have no clue. But, I found a "Windows '95 Tips and Tricks" web page on the 'net and was able to change my hard drive icons�very fun. I still worry about what else disappeared Saturday night. I've been worrying a lot lately. I need to stop. I sent email to Anna and Adam, individual emails to say I wouldn't make the Action Center meeting on Sunday, oh no, I was going to the hockey game, yes sir, I was going to get the Thrash (our team mascot) bobblehead on Thrash bobblehead giveaway night. I went out early in the day to start my car, to see if it would start, it did, with effort, then I turned it off, tried it again, and it barely would, I got scared and wisely stayed home. Now, I feel guilty. I feel bad for missing the bobblehead, not that I have a place allocated in my apartment for new collectible crap, er, stuff, but I wanted it, dammit! And, I feel bad because I wrote to them specifically to say why I couldn't, wouldn't be making the meeting. Oh, I'll get over it. I'll be fine. I've been under the influence of hormones. Bad hormones. Bad. I guess I won't mention that I was fantasizing about reasons for Kukla's and the Manager (M)'s absences yesterday�nah, I'll leave that alone. I was real nice to Kukla today, asked her how she was doing, we chit chatted, the past is in the past. I'm glad we can be like that. Keep our dislike for each other, our differences, our agreement to disagree, under wraps. All of it pushed out of the way. For now. I dream of the day I walk out of here, away from this cubicle, once and for all, as comfortable as it is, away from the fluorescent lights, the stale air, always too cold or too hot, the dry, dusty, paper particled toxic atmosphere, and never look back. One day. As good things come to me, to I, the one who is waiting. But hey, my car starts, it runs, it stops. The three most important things in a car. The rest is gravy� I think I'll celebrate tonight by driving. I think I'll drive to Pet Smart, get the girls some more food and litter. And maybe, just maybe, I'll hit Tarzhay for some more warm clothes while they're on clearance, or go back to Barnes and Noble for that Spam calendar I was drooling over. Maybe. *Later that evening: 7:05 p.m., home, bra removed�ahhhhh�, comfy shirt on, cats fed and grooming, TV on, comfort TV, "Everybody Loves Raymond" in syndication, taking time to upload an actual diary entry, for a change. Going backwards and doing something that was once commonplace, but is now an oddity, or feels like one. I did go to Pet Smart, or is it PetSmart? Got the girls their Hairball Control Light Formula Science Diet Feline Maintenance, extra special, super duper cat food, and a big 20 pound box of clumpy litter, and we're all set, or actually THEY'RE all set. Still haven't been to the grocery store. But just when I think there's nothing to eat around here I find stuff. Last night I had a tuna melt sandwich. I took a can of white meat tuna and tossed it in some extra virgin olive oil, some tarragon vinegar, some oregano, lemon herb seasoning, a little cayenne and a touch of mayonnaise, spread that over two slices of good whole wheat bread, toasted, then put two slices of provolone on top of each piece, put them under the broiler to melt the cheese, put the pieces together, smushed, cut in half and ate! Yum. And anyone else would've looked in my fridge and said, "Hey, there's nothing to eat around here!" Well, almost anyone else. Have you ever seen that show on Food Network where that annoying British guy goes into people's kitchens and throws stuff together for a gourmet meal? Using whatever's on hand? Yeah. I think he has a chef do it, but he MCs the event. Crazy. Have I left anything out? When did I write last? Before the weekend? During the weekend? Nothing happened. Oh, I remember, I watched "Cast Away", then I wrote. I watched "Crumb" late on Saturday night, early Sunday morning. Intense little film really. Documentary about R. Crumb, Robert Crumb, the artist, comic books mostly, famous in the late '60s, did that "Cheap Thrills" album cover, several books, that horrible "Fritz the Cat" movie. Line drawings, crazy stuff, sick stuff, some of it amazingly well done. You should see his portraits. The man is a genius, at drawing. He has these brothers too, and they're total geniuses too, but fucked up, one committing suicide after the filming of the documentary. Well, a year or so after. He tried several times in his life to end his life, but he finally succeeded. The interviews were so weird�with Robert's ex-girlfriends, wives, his mom, his brothers. I recommend this movie to anyone who knows Crumb's art, or who loves documentaries, or biographies, or independent film. Really, really good. Sunday, I watched the game on TV, since I was afraid the car would start, I'd go to the game, then it wouldn't start and I'd be stuck, there. Thrashers lost anyway, as usual, but I missed the silly bobblehead. There, you two are caught up now. Okay, four of you. Yeppers. I don't know why I check stats anymore. I guess just because. Just because I used to, it used to matter a lot to me, this whole thing, this diary thing online. And now, well, to see who my online pals are, I guess. To see who's still reading, who's still curious, who still cares to know. On that note, I've got to read some diaries now, to catch up on the folks I want to know about. Cost of the War in Iraq
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