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Sunday, Feb. 10, 2002 / 11:16 p.m. ~Sunday - Creating Fodder For Tomorrow's Daydreams~ Eating freshly made potato salad at 11:00 on a Sunday night. How crazy is that? When I sleep 'til 2:30 in the afternoon, it makes perfect sense. This batch of potato salad is not as good as that last batch. Seems I can't duplicate my own recipes, but it's good, yes, it will do nicely. I had a nightmare last night, or, seeing that I went to sleep somewhere after 5:00 this morning, we should say it was this morning that I awoke from a dream that was unpleasant to the point of being nightmarish. I was in the house again, the house in which I spent my formative years, from age 14 through age 20 (that's when I moved out, but we didn't sell it, it wasn't out of my life until I was 29). The house where my mother lay dying, the house where years later my father lay dying. Sort of a death house. Life and death went on there. It's in my dreams far too often, this house, and just when I think it's gone for good, it's back again. This time I was in the living room, sitting on the sofa, possibly watching TV, possibly not, and I could see down the hallway to the bedrooms, a straight shot, and I was alone there, but reaching out from the master bedroom was a hand holding a wine glass, or champagne, I can't remember, and this hand was toasting me, but I was alone, so this was not a live person, this was a ghost, this wasn't happening, and I wanted it to go away, but I was stuck. Sort of the can't make a sound, can't run, can't scream, can't do a thing but sit and watch events unfold kind of dream stuck. I sat there trying to wake up. I must have known it was a dream. At some point, the hand turned into a skeleton, of course, by my own doing, I'd guess, I must've made that happen, creepified it even more, and I don't know why. I'd look away from the hall, and I had my own glass of wine or champagne, then I'd look back and it would be gone, the hand down the hall. Then it would be back again, there was something there, someone, some "thing", and it was so unpleasant and I just wanted to WAKE UP, so I did. I was a bit breathless, acknowledged I'd had a good old fashioned nightmare, and they are old fashioned, but never good, and I rolled over and went back to sleep. All day it's stuck with me. At different times I force myself to see it again. And I have no idea why. I watched a pretty good movie last night, "Broken Hearts Club", about a group of gay friends in Los Angeles. It was funny, bittersweet, etc., and ultimately entertaining. An entire movie of gay men.....I haven't seen that since "The Boys in the Band", and that was 1970something. I'm not exactly a fag hag, but I love gay men. There's something about them, in general, and maybe it's the fact that they don't like women, they like men. I even like watching them kiss. You know, sort of like straight men watching two very feminine women kissing - they don't want them to be "dykes", they want them to be very femme, lipstick lesbians, who are actually bi, a fantasy wherein they can join in and be welcomed whole heartedly......but not like that at all. More like I simply enjoy watching men together. I have no desire to join them........unless they're straight, in which case they would not be starting without me. Boy, I got off track. Anyway, I liked it, it was a decent little movie. And once in bed, I was watching "The Last Supper", a movie about this group of roommates/grad students who have these dinner parties where they invite a "guest" to engage in some intellectual banter, and one night they invite a guy who is a racist/homophobic/misogynist pig, and they kill him. So, they start inviting all kinds of racist/homophobic/misogynist pigs, serving them dinner, then killing them, and burying them in their backyard, in the guise of actually "doing something", not just talking about doing something, i.e. activism. Left-wing liberals actually making a difference, ridding the world of all the backwards, small minded, simpletons. Crazy! Fun! But I fucking fell asleep. So what if it was 5:00 in the morning, I should've stayed up for that one. Instead I fall asleep and wake to nightmares. Or, A nightmare. Such an atypical weekend I've had! I drove 42 miles round trip to visit Hermione, hung out OUTSIDE in the FRESH AIR, then she came here (!), I actually cleaned in anticipation of her visit, the place looks great (!!), and today I drove another 40 some miles round trip, or farther, to drop off my carload of recyclables at the "other" Farmers Market!!!!! And there were so many other people doing the same thing, it was great! Little kids helping parents, old folks, couples, one car had "All Things Considered" on NPR blaring from the car radio and I thought, how perfect is that?! All that plastic, glass, every color, and cans, both aluminum and steel, corrugated cardboard, newspapers, a place for everything, and workers shoveling all the glass into big containers, breaking it, making this terrific cacophonous sound.....it was downright comforting. I felt so dutiful, so earthy, so wise, so helpful, such the model citizen, and I know I wrote about this here, in this very diary before, the last time, but I'll probably write it again, because it is just such a GOOD experience....I highly recommend it! Then, I dropped off my huge bag of clothes I no longer want or need, or wear, at the Salvation Army, which is still growing by leaps and bounds. Where are they getting the funds? Why do they keep adding on? What do they DO there? Should I be taking my stuff to them? Oh well, my car is empty, except for all the plastic bags, the Farmers Market doesn't take them, just all the other stuff - kind of strange, but that's the way it's always been. So, I intend to drop them at Publix, eventually. On the way from the Farmers Market recycling center to the Salvation Army, I drove through my old stomping grounds, through the neighborhood where I lived when I was 14 to 20, or more accurately, 12 to 20, and I passed the street which would take me to the house, the one in this morning's nightmare, and I thought about the coincidence, and wondered if I should drive to it, see it live, make sure it's still there, but I couldn't. And I passed landmarks, saw stores that didn't use to be, some that still are. Oh, THAT used to be a.......and THAT used to be.......look at it NOW! Wow. Times change. And the wind! I left with wet hair from my shower, and got quite the blow dry while I was walking from green glass to clear glass to opaque plastic to corrugated cardboard, back to my car for more. Whoooosh! Tonight I made potato salad, as stated above, and it is quite acceptable. I have the taste of red onion lingering in my mouth and suddenly I think of kissing, of two people eating the same oniony food, and not minding the taste in each other's mouths. I'll no doubt be up late, finishing up my laundry, watching my "GL"s on tape, and then a movie, or two, will get to sleep after 2:00 or so, will be totally exhausted tomorrow, because this is how it goes. Sunday is like this. But I feel pretty good, and this is good, I'll hang on to it for tomorrow's daydreams, and hope my night dreams are sweet (reminds me, I did dream of masturbation as well, so it wasn't all that bad...). Cost of the War in Iraq
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