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Monday, Mar. 18, 2002 / 6:35 p.m. ~Surviving On My Own~ So, yesterday was a complete meltdown. I know. It wasn't so much self loathing, as loathing of existence itself, and a questioning of my own existence. It was bad. Very bad. I never try to hurt myself, I never attemtpt suicide, I just cry and cry, and it seems I can't stop. Once I finally do, I think of something else, or something I felt, before, and it starts up all over again. The day I found out the cat I'd taken to the Humane Society had been killed (how Humane is that?), and it's a very long story, but I cried the entire day. Like a leaking faucet, I couldn't stop. I'd take breaks wherein I'd feel okay, I'd think that's it, I'm through, then I'd imagine the fear the cat must've felt, I'd think about how I'd gotten back to them too late, it was after the prescribed holding period, I was too late to take him back, to bring him home, this stray I'd found, this stray I had no idea what to do with, this white cat that showed up in my basement one night.....I'd think about it, picture him again, and it would start all over again. My brother had called me that day, wanted me to go out to eat with him and his wife, and I said, "Are you kidding?! I've been crying ALL day, do you know how I look?", and he said, "So, come out anyway." Insensitive bastard. Last night I put ice on my eyes, trying to reduce the swelling, but I woke up today with huge puffy eyes, gross puffy eyes, and I iced them again, wanted to call in sick, didn't want anyone to see, didn't want anyone to know, to ask, what's wrong?, and not be able to explain that I was depressed, that sometimes I don't want to be alive. Too hard. So I wore my glasses all day and hardly looked at anyone, and well, Lulu left early, Laverne wasn't even there, and they are the two biggest of the busybodies in the office, so I was good, I guess. Last night I decided to get in bed and watch TV before I fell asleep, but the digital cable receiver was not receiving. No picture, no sound, just the on screen guide, the "menu" of services. I tried everything, unplugging, checking the cable, I even hooked it up to a little portable TV I have that I no longer use, but nothing. Around midnight, or later, I was on the phone with a cable service rep, the first person I'd spoken to since Friday, after losing myself completely only a few hours before, and I was telling her what was going on, she was sending me a signal to my box, or something, I was unplugging it again, etc., while she talked me through procedures. It's just fucked, plain and simple. I've only had it since last summer, so it's hard to believe it's fried already, but I set up a service call for Saturday, which sucks because now I have no TV in the bedroom all week. And that's how I fall asleep, to Letterman usually. I mean I have the TV, but the reception without cable is basically nonexistent. Great. They could've sent someone out tomorrow, but I have to work, and I am NOT taking a day off for this. I asked for them to not charge me for this week, but they're not sure how they're going to work that. I called again today, to let them know that the unplugging and plugging back in, as I'd done before I'd called last night, but it was suggested I do again, did nothing, and that I want to be reimbursed on my bill for the week I'll spend without cable on that TV, and this British dude was telling me to press the "power" button and the "select" button at the same time and unplug it at the same time as I'm pressing them, and stand on my head and whistle Dixie and that might work. Okay, not the last two things, but the first three, and I just tried it and nothing. It's just dead. But, I did call the apartment office about the A/C and they came and "charged" it today while I was at work. I had to call Sunshine for moral support, and we joked about some burly guy with a plumber's ass crack hanging out going through my underwear drawer, putting my underwear on the cats' heads, etc. She was funny. And I felt better. When I got home I saw the muddy footprints in the carpet, and the A/C was on, and it was cooler, but still not very cold. Not like A/C should be. It's going to cost a fortune to cool this place very soon. Oh well. So, that's out of the way, basically. I asked them to fix my doorknob, but they didn't. I don't know if they're coming back with a new one later or what, but it still feels like it's going to fall off. Not great for a main entrance door. Sunshine was great today, very quiet, like I was, and without Laverne and Lulu there the whole department was really nice and quiet. But she was supportive and asked about my weekend, and later in the day she told me her last day is Thursday. She is a temp after all. She wanted to work part time three days of next week so she can be with her son who is flying here for Spring Break from school, but they told her she couldn't do that, so she is leaving. Stupid fuckwads. When she told me she wanted part time, I said, "Yeah, well, no one works part time here, it's all full time only.", but then she said, "I only wanted three days.", and I begged her to ask them again, but she says it's too late. And I joked that it's racial, that it's because she's white. It could be. Seems like every woman there has at least one child and they all take off all the time to be with their kids. That's why Lulu left early today, I think. "My child is sick", "My child has a teacher's work day and is home and I have to stay with him/her", etc. It goes on and on, and half the time I think they're all just making it up so they can go home. My mom never stayed with me when I was sick. I stayed home alone and she went to work. And I lay in bed and watched TV all day. I don't remember her ever using me as an excuse to get out of work....but maybe I'm just not remembering. So, no more Sunshine. I'm really going to miss her. But I'll get my cable box fixed this weekend, hopefully, or they'll swap it out for a new one, or whatever, and the A/C works better than it did before, so I won't die the next time it gets hot like this, and it's supposed to cool off drastically after Wednesday's rain.... So, I got some things fixed. I was a grownup today. It's hard, life is hard, there are a lot of things that nobody wants to do, but we all simply have to do them, and some people, okay, a LOT of people, have other people to do the unpleasant things for them. Like Sunshine had her boyfriend wait on her all weekend while she lay about with her painful knee propped up. He carried her around even. The hardest part is self-reliance. This has made me strong and tough, and at times misanthropic and isolated, and a lot of other adjectives, but it's just what my life is. I am alone and anything that happens must happen by my own doing. It makes it really difficult sometimes. Not all the time, of course not. But there are days when nothing works, when it all breaks at the same time, and I panic. I hate maintenance, I hate that nothing lasts forever, I hate having to take care of things. I do wish I had a "he", as I joked with Sunshine today, to do things for me. She talked about her boyfriend, "He had to take care of his mom and his girls, and me..." and I say, "I want a HE!", and we joked about a business that would be called "Rent a Husband", and how fun that would be. I said there are already handyman services out there, "Have tools, will travel" kind of deals, and maybe that's all I need sometimes. I'm better now. I'll survive. I keep surviving, and I have no idea why. I'd rather not, actually, but I do anyway. Some instinct or something. And maybe most people don't sit around and wonder why they're here, most people don't question their purpose, or think that this is Hell here on Earth, but I do from time to time, I feel I've already died and gone to Hell, and how would I know otherwise? But I keep going, I just keep going, like there's no choice in the matter. My eyes will be "normal" by tomorrow, I'm sure. They're still feeling a bit strained. And I'll watch some television and find something to eat, and go to bed with the fan in the window instead of the A/C, and I'll wake up and do it again tomorrow. And on Saturday I'll have a purpose, a plan, I'll be waiting on another cable guy. It's Sunday I have to worry about. Cost of the War in Iraq
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