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Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 / 1:57 p.m. ~Tense On the Day After~ Here's the thing. This is my little vacation, the first of the last two before year's end. I saved up my time because I always thought, all year long, for several years actually, that I would find a different job. I hated my job, I've hated it, I've tolerated it, it's driven me crazy, but the pluses always outweighed the minuses, so I stayed. And the vacation time accrued. Now, I'm using it, and I should be happy and carefree, like I have all the time in the world, or four days and two hours anyway. But no. I'm sort of tense, nervous, anxious, stressed. And not just because I need to do this and that and the other, the usual cleaning I constantly postpone, the novel writing thing, and sending pictures and a letter to my cousin in Germany. I want to post some pictures from my recent trip to Washington too, here, and I got pictures back from the January Demo finally too, photo CDs from Kodak. I have things to do, as always, the usual, the ubiquitous even, 'things to do', but I'm thinking about how I told Q last night on the phone that I'm staying on site. I wasn't supposed to do that, but she said after I left yesterday, at 4:00, they all talked, even our Supervisor H., and our Manager (M), they all talked about who's staying and who's been laid off, and it turns out H. has been laid off, she leaves before Thanksgiving, which was outrageously shocking to me, she's always been there, well, despite her mystery leave this year, those three months when she left and we still don't know why. So, I told her I'm going to the other department, no details, just that the Manager from over there was in my meeting too, and she said, "Really?", about the Manager thing. I didn't tell her any of the things they told me about me, how they pumped up my ego, how they told me how they 'want me', but I said I'm staying. She said she knew, "Oh, I knew YOU'd be staying, and Kukla, and Penelope, you've been there the longest", but she said Veronica sat quietly in her cube, wouldn't talk about it. I think she may have been laid off too. At the end of my meeting with the Managers, I'd said, "This is heavy", because it is. We've been a little self-contained unit over there, partitioned off from the rest of the site, we've been on our own, left to our own devices even, and now I'm thinking logistics, and can I take my filing cabinet instead of emptying it out? Can't we just wheel it over to my new cube on a hand cart? I have a key for it and everything. And what about my PC's monitor? I put those cat and lizard stickers on there almost six years ago. Do I keep it? Will I get a big box to put my crap in? What about my chair? It's got my hair on it, it's all me, the settings are mine, just the right height, do I keep that too? I'm mildly freaking out, and I can't remember when this is happening, was it December 31st? We have that day off, we won't even be open on that day. Do we switch cubes before that? How can H. really be leaving? She was talking, just yesterday, about the kind of tree she wants to have for us for Christmas, how we'll have music every day, and how much fun it's going to be, how she'll decorate her cubicle, and I just feel so badly for her. Q said H. said she was worried about me, yesterday, after I left. What? Worried that I got laid off and I won't be able to get another job? Wouldn't she think they'd 'want me'? Did she think, like I, that our Manager (M) 'had it in for me', and would try to get me out? (M) turned to me and said, "You're a good employee", more than once, yesterday. She's always thought that, which means, despite everything, that she does in fact respect me, and this freaks me out. I'm so used to no one caring, no one respecting me, thinking everyone really doesn't like me at all, nor do they appreciate anything I do or say, but she recommended to the Site Dude that I stay! And H. is worried about me? SHE's leaving and I'm staying! I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know. And staying will be no picnic. If they don't hire temps for their busy season, this means I could potentially be very overworked very soon. I could be busy doing new work, and maybe more work than I'm used to, like actually WORKING instead of reading EWs in between phone calls. But then again, there will be no phone calls, it's not a call center. And see, then I worry about the big company's employees, the ones who call us all frustrated and angry every day, who are they going to talk to now? Who is going to verify their employment? Q seems to think we're being replaced by machines, but there are people running the machines, US, we've been the ones picking up the slack for all the people who can't figure out the automated line. We print out their documents, even if they're requested via the automated line. I've got to call Q back, I'm thinking tomorrow so it will be fresh in her mind, as she is very forgetful, to tell her not to say anything to anyone, not to run in Monday morning and say "Joleen's staying, y'all, they're KEEPING her here!! She told me!" See? This is not how I should be thinking on a lazy Saturday. Let's shift gears here. Howard Dean's campaign manager called me last night, sort of freaked me out - I am in the phone book, but I didn't remember that Dean had my address to look me up - it was an automated thing, asking me to vote on the campaign contributions issue, but I don't really get it, so I didn't vote. Public? No public? He's already accepted money from people, and aren't they the public? I'm lost, and why is he all about money? ALL his emails to me are asking me for money. He never says how he'll change the country. Dennis does, in his emails. What is Dean about? Does he really think that the one with the most campaign contributions automatically wins? That's not what it's about. Speaking of Dennis, I was at his site last night, on a page for people who've left Dean and gone over to Dennis' camp. Something like: The Doctor Is Out, and Dennis Is In. (Someone was just outside honking and I almost blew a gasket. I'm on edge, to say the least. I mean honking, like over and over again, in an apartment complex parking lot. Have some patience, asshole.) I also visited the NaNoWriMo site, mainly to see how far along everyone is. There are quite a few who are way over the 50,000 limit already. Of course I think they cheated. Either they lied about their word count, or they started before the November 1st start, or they had copious notes and outlines written out months ago and have been writing non-stop. They're not working people, or they're students maybe, and this is the biggest thing they've ever done. The bulk seem to be at around 14,000 words. So I sat and wrote 902 more. I'm up to just over 7,000 now. Yes, I'm behind, but this has been a crazy week. Work was crazy even before the big fallout yesterday. This is my excuse. And today? I need to write, but I need to find the right frame of mind, part of the reason I'm sitting here venting right now, to get it out, and off. I don't want to feel any of this. I want to feel the initial excitement I felt yesterday, when Site Dude said they 'want me'. Truth is, Q brought me down. She is so negative, really, she's always complaining and mean, she seems duplicitous and underhanded too. She's a Gemini, is that why? She's the type of person you don't want to turn your back to, ever, because you never know what she'll do there once you're not facing her. She can't hate me for not being laid off though, it wasn't my choice, I had nothing to do with it, except being an exemplary employee, and that comes naturally. Hah! Okay, things to do, need to relax, somehow. I just wish they hadn't told us yesterday, I wish they could've waited 'til I get back from my little vacation. ***P.S. Thanks for the positive vibes in the guestbook, you guys, it makes me feel better to read that. It is a really good thing, what happened, and despite what happens to my coworkers, laid off, not laid off, I need to stay really positive. I got laid off and hired all in the same couple minutes! That's not too bad, eh? Cost of the War in Iraq
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