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Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 / 7:01 p.m. ~Really, I Have Nothing to Whinge About~ Sometimes I'm too far 'in the loop'. People tell me things and I don't want to know. I have to say it aloud, sometimes, "Wait, maybe you shouldn't be telling me this", or "Actually, no, I don't want to know a secret", because it can be too much weight to carry. And then again, sometimes strangers tell me too much, personal things, things they have to get off their own chests, weight they no longer want to carry either. It's always a burden for someone. At the end of the day today, my Supervisor, who has previously gone by the lonely letter H., told me way too much. She suddenly began to confide, and it was horrible. Just horrible. I even said, "This is so depressing", and I felt it, I wanted to cry, I felt so miserable, but I had felt poorly before that, all day really. It's the typical menstruation symptom, the overly emotional frame of mind, and the propensity to sink into a deep and very dark depression anyway. I didn't need to add anything horrible to it, not really. I never need to be depressed, and when I am, I don't need it to be worsened. She began by telling me she knows what goes on in our department, the nepotism that is our Manager, one (M), letting her sister Kukla, and her cousin (by marriage, but still) Penelope get away with anything and everything, giving them better reviews than any of the other reps, larger raises, etc. She said she'd gone above (M)'s head, to the site HR Manager, and that person had only gone right back to (M) to talk to her. Nothing would ever be done. Yes, yes, I knew this, for years, says I, I know, oh, I know. She tells me more, how evil she thinks (M) actually is, and 'evil' was her word, she spoke quietly and said it a few times. She said (M) had told her to write me up that time a couple months ago, and that if she didn't she was going to fire me. She said she wrote me up to keep me in my job. She said that after that, when I called the Site Manager, the previous one, to request a meeting, a meeting was had, not with me, but there was a meeting, and it was 'arranged that he would never meet' with me. It was 'arranged'. I asked if it was his decision, and she said yes. This made me feel unexplainably awful. And I tried to let it slide off my shoulders, end of a very long, very hard day at work, minus Veronica and Jane for training, and Q for her jury duty. It was a hard day. I couldn't stand to hear too much, but she kept spilling, and she said that we should 'just wait' for her last day, that she'll give us crucial information, that she'll tell us what she thinks of us, that 'just wait'... I think she's lost her mind. I found out last week, maybe it was Friday, that she was out on that extended leave because of a 'nervous breakdown'. She flipped when 'the new boy' flared up, attacked either verbally or physically, we'll never know, and again, I don't want to know. Don't tell me things. I want to be innocent and naive, I want to be a little kid, I don't want to grow up and learn how awful the world and its inhabitants really are. I already hear it and read it every single day, don't make it worse, not any worse than it has to be. I need a constant, and coming home was it. I had planned to burst into tears upon entering, but knowing what that does to the cats, and to my eyes, I furiously shifted emotional gears, and came in and wrote to the people at AudBlog instead, complaining at the bizarre way they've overcharged my PayPal account, telling them I've canceled my subscription and what a shame that is, all the way around. I didn't want to get into H., and all she'd said, but then I had an urge to document it a bit, just a little, here. I wanted to stop this altogether, again, yet again, especially after reading random entries, which seemed not to be so random, landing on the same date, one year ago, for some unknown reason, feeling so embarassed for all I've written here, left open to all the Interweb searchers who happen in all day every day. I can't let myself sink into what H. said, how (M) wanted to fire me, how people in our little department still go to her and tell her what's going on, they snitch and tattle and it gets back to H., and she wishes they'd let her go, she aches for a way to leave and still get paid. She got it, she's laid off, and she will have a last day, the day before Thanksgiving, and I have no idea what will happen after that, but I know secrets now, I know (M) prevented me from talking to the Site Manager, when I was so prepared, and I know she does want me gone, and I'm still amazed she smiles at me and says Hello, and I know the lies, the hypocrisy, and I can tell you that these are all "Christians", these are all Southern Baptist church-going backbiting fuck you as soon as you bend over to pick up the fucking soap bitches, and it's horrible. I have no one to turn to, no one to vent to, no one who will help me in any way, no other job, no college degree to get anything better, and Omorfia, you might think I'm 'whinging' for no good reason, but I feel so stuck, I've felt so stuck, and you, with your family base of support, and anyone else with help, cannot imagine what it's like to be so totally on your own that you compromise your self just to keep going, just to survive. It won't be forever, and it could be worse, I could be under a bridge downtown, hitting up the dumpsters at the Hard Rock Cafe after closing, or the shelters for some bread and soup, I know, I should be thankful that I have an apartment filled with crap and two cats and a TV to keep me company, yeah, and a job that is indoors, requires no heavy lifting and pays me enough to cover rent and digital cable, and Interweb service. What do I have to be upset about? Cost of the War in Iraq
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