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Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005 / 7:23 p.m. ~This Is My Preference [Please let me win, please?]~ It was suggested to me today, by a relative stranger, that it is entirely possible I cannot tear myself away from the Interweb and my writing hereon. And herewith, let me just say, why would I want to? I do take breaks, often, as can be noted here recently, long stretches actually, quite conflicted, always, and I notice the folks who make grand statements of their conflict, their internal rumblings, threaten to leave, here, LiveJournal, elewhere I'd imagine, and I've done it too, oh yes, but lately, if I lose the urge, or question what I'm doing, I simply back up slowly. I'd wager no one notices I've gone. I enjoy the regularity of this place though, and this has been a constant in my life, nearly four years. Many things have changed in that time, whilst others have stayed insufferably the same, but I like having a place, this place, to come, to emote, to drain, to binge, to purge, to be the emotional bulimic I now admit I am, and to write, write, write, write, write. It's flexing my mental muscles, and sometimes it is good, I even recognize that, and sometimes it's embarassingly awful, but why should anyone, and especially someone who has met me through this interconnectedness, this Interweb, rue that I log on to it, tap in to it, daily?? And if I took a week off? I'd miss it, surely, as I would television, or music, or my cats, or good food, anything I love, anything which brings me pleasure, and specifically a connection to the world, but really, is there a specific reason I should deprive myself of something I enjoy, and not out of necessity? If the cats were well, if this were years ago, or if they did not exist at all, I would travel, I have no doubt. And I thought tonight, on my way home, if I could win even $5,000 in the lottery, one of the smallest sums, I'd put it down towards a new car, and my life would change, instantly. I'd take weekend road trips, extra litter box in the bathroom for the girls, plenty of food left behind. They'd survive a two day road trip, to Florida, to the mountains in Georgia, to an island off the coast, and I could regain some of what I feel I've lost, enjoyment of being alive and in nature. Just to drive until I smell the ocean, and then to see it, again, would be pure joy. And I have been on so many bus trips to D.C. since September 11th, 2001, early mornings waking on the bus to see intercoastal waterways, and rivers, boats anchored, but only from a bus window. I want more. A new car would mean my freedom, and freedom from fear of a breakdown in my old and mostly trusty Easy Bake Car. Then, I'd be away from the Interweb, unless of course I won more than the $5,000, and then I'd have a laptop, and I would take it with me, so I could WRITE about where I was, what I was doing, what I was seeing, and how I felt. It's how journalers write now, seldom only with pad and pen, or notebook, or bound book with collaged cover, ragged unrefined, unlined paper inside, favorite pen, or sharpened pencil. Not to say those things aren't good, they are, and I love them too, but have you seen my handwriting? It's horrid. This is my preference, to open the blank window here, or at LJ, and to write, fingers on keyboard, whatever comes to mind, let it out and step away, or pause to read what others are writing. It's familiar, like my flannel pants I put on when it gets cold. And will it ever get cold again? Nice segue, eh? I'm exhuasted, stayed up way too late last night, maybe 2:00 on a weeknight. Not good at all, but tonight promises to be different. "Amazing Race" and bed. And possibly "Amazing Race" IN bed. I've put out a communique, by the way, because I don't care to rationalize that I shouldn't, I am not good at playing games, and trying to be demure, trying to defer to manly characteristics, and give people time to miss me. I know that's when people forget. Best to knock them over the head from time to time, "HEY!!! Remember ME?!?!? Yeah? Well, don't forget me, you hear?" I ate two double cheeseburgers and small fries for dinner (I had a craving). And I still feel hungry. Is this normal? Cost of the War in Iraq
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