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2001-10-17 / 7:04 p.m. ~Blinded by Fear�and a Bomb Threat~ I tell her I have some headlines, no details, I say Congress has been shut down, 31 people testing positive for exposure to anthrax, tell her I watched CNN's timeline last night on this recent bizarre "terrorism", tell her the talking head said, "�not just any anthrax�" and I go on a bit more. She asks me if I want a cookie. She says we knew, we knew, didn't we?, and I say, No, hell no, who could "know", we still don't "know" what's going to happen. I start to say that it could easily be domestic "terrorism", and she asks me if I knew Arnold Schwarzenegger is married to Maria Shriver, says, "Did you know he's teaching now?", and I say, "What? What's going on? What's wrong with you? What are you doing?", and she says she doesn't want anything negative in front of her. I'm in shock, I'm fucking aghast, I say, Okay, so you don't want to know anything if it's negative, even if it's right in front of you?, and she turns to P., says, "Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is teaching now?", and I am thinking how awful this is, how awful to hide one's head in the sand, how awful to clutch your Holy book in fear, how awful to be so afraid of information you are moved to denial. How horrible. How can I respect someone who doesn't want to know the truth? She would rather hear lies, she would rather believe anything which might make her think all is well, anything "positive", anything other than the truth. What is that? How does someone live like that? She would be the person clutching her bible, the person standing in the midst of the disaster, the earth crumbling around her, swearing it's not really happening, praying to her god who is not even listening, to her god which does not even exist. She wouldn't see what's there, right there. Blinded to reality, because of fear. Are the rest of the people the same way? Is all of America taking this same path? Has everyone held up a hand and said, "Get that negativity out of my spirit!"???, are they all so ignorant, so blind, so foolish to refuse education? What is that? I'm incensed, I'm furious, I'm frustrated, I want to scream and cry, I want to get in my car and drive fast down an empty road, I want to be alone, I want to be anywhere but here, any time but now. Several minutes later::::::: (I wrote this part outside) "I need everyone to gather their things and leave the building", or words to that effect, the Site Manager says over the PA system. Our first emergency evacuation, in all the time I've been here. We're in the gazebo out front, beyond the parking lot - 2 fire engines and a police cruiser are here. In and out. One fire engine is gone already, but I have anthrax and bomb threats in my head, swirling. So much laughter amongst the bystanders - why? Nerves? Another bible clutcher? This isn't happening, she must be thinking, I want nothing negative in my spirit, she must be thinking. Laugher, chitchat, anything but what's going on, anything but what's happening here, now, what we're waiting for. Even later::::::::: I'm remembering the days after 9/11, the way she'd come in to work talking body parts, health hazards, details, details, jazzed on the details, getting off on the details, but she overloaded, didn't she? Something clicked inside of her, something became terrifying, something became too much, and now she can no longer hear it, not any of it, and she preaches now from her cubicle. She corners the temp, she is talking in a low voice, not really "training" at all, she's talking about how she can't handle negativity, I know it. And his soft voice is in agreement, and I think of yesterday when he said things happen for a reason, and I said, "That's what they say�", and he said, "What, you don't believe it? What would it take for you to believe it?", and I said, "I don't know�proof?". The blind leading the blind. The one who glorified, the alarmist, the one who couldn't shut up is now silenced. I should be glad. If it hadn't happened the way it did, the offer for a cookie, the rapid non sequitur, I would've been okay. If she'd just said, "Joleen, please, I'm too worked up, I'm too freaked out, I'm too afraid, Jesus is going to take care of me, I can't hear any more", or any other sentences, any other, it would've been okay. Maybe I should've just called in sick today. Some days one shouldn't associate with other people, you know? From home::::::::: That was my first actual experience with a bomb threat. I called the receptionist later in the day, once things had quieted down - she always has the lowdown on everything, and we've been buds since I used to cover for her on her breaks, etc., a while ago now - and she said a guy called, said, "There's a bomb in the building" and hung up. There was more she told me, speculation about who it might have been, but she was reprimanded by the Site Manager, who overheard her telling me, and I've been sworn to secrecy. I decided that extends to this diary. It's all really heavy though. As I got to my door, home, at last, key ready to put in keyhole, and I was thinking I've got to take a hot bath, drink some wine, or something (as P. said, have a "sip of something"), I thought, WE HAD A BOMB THREAT!, and after two days of extreme sensitivity, bleeding, pain, exhaustion, I wanted to walk in and break down in tears, just let it out. But I didn't. I have to keep going. Life goes on. There will be time to freak out, one day, but not yet. But hey, that was fucking weird today. Fucking weird. Cost of the War in Iraq
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