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Saturday, Feb. 05, 2005 / 7:44 p.m. ~My Favorite Day - Boring Catch Up Notes~ I was just reading his old emails to me, back at the beginning, back when he was happy, when I made him happy, and when I was scared of being happy, scared we'd hurt each other, back before we did. I can't say it's good to go back, that it's ever good, for all we have is now, and in this moment, I want to go back. Sometimes I wish it was then, and I could do it all differently, but maybe now is good too, and thinking of the future. Today is lazy day, today is do nothing day, today is quick bursts of energy followed quite rapidly by inactivity. In other words, sure, I'm doing my second load of laundry, and I went though my underwear drawer and discarded old underwear to which I'd felt some unnatural attachment! Thing is, though, I hate to throw cloth away. I keep thinking it could be used, for something. Rags, patches, art, crafts, something. Even fuel. If I come across something that is not threadbare, my old clothes, I intend to give them away, but I've yet to venture into the closet. Still, I want to get rid of things, but I don't want to get rid of things solely because they are old. Old does not equal bad, but threadbare is threadbare, and I need to get with the program, which is buying new things, and once bought, there are old things which can be discarded. This is unnaturally difficult for me. And why????? How is it I am this way? What genetic mutation has deemed it so? Ah, but I miss him, still. I find I go through the day not thinking, then thinking, then not, then yes, and it's consuming, then I let go, then in the realm of self preservation I become negative and independent again, aware of a destiny of life lived alone, my own destiny, then I'm hopeful again, and incredibly optimistic and the longing is in the realm of reality, as if yes, yes, this can happen!, and then I back down again, because living in a state of perpetual hopefulness hurts too. Best to find some way to remain patient, and do what I need to do, for me, to take care of me and my needs, first and foremost, after the cats of course. I saw a really good movie last night, an African film about life in a small Senegalese village, and a group of women who eventually change their lives, and abolish the ritual that is female genital mutilation. It wasn't bleak, it wasn't graphic, but it was a bit sad, and overall extremely powerful and empowering, a feminist view, created by an 80 year old man, an activist in his own right. Fine film, really, "Moolaade". Ethiopian dinner followed, not the best I've eaten, as it was cold and the flavors too blended, nothing notable nor discerning, yet filling, yet unsatisfying. I wanted dinner at my favorite bistro, and the specials sounded so creative and sensual, but it was crowded, more so than I may have ever seen it. Must have been the weather, still cold, but warmer than usual, lately. Today I slept late, far too, but as I say, I am finding productivity amidst the laziness, the much needed laziness, and soon I sit to watch the SAG Awards, and get away from this computer, which provides me with much creativity and fun, entertainment galore, but has me doing things I should not, like reading his old emails, and this will get me nowhere, but lost in an endless sea of longing and dreaming. Best to be here now, and in that accomplish what I can, take good care of me, and the girls. And, I downloaded several new themes for my Firefox browser, yet the Walnut is my favorite still. Saturday is my favorite day. Cost of the War in Iraq
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