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2001-09-10 / 6:54 p.m. ~Cat Toys and Job Insecurity~ I live with these two cats, these two cats who never really go anywhere, they just sleep or eat or bother me, like want to sit on me and stuff, follow me room to room, sit on the porch when the weather's nice, or, well, sometimes climb the walls, run around and act crazy. But they are old girls now, 10 and 11, so I don't expect much from them. Still, I want them to be happy, really I do, and I get them new toys from time to time, or crumple up pieces of paper, throw them on the floor and watch them go crazy, or grab a "Cat Dancer" and get Gladys to chase it around the bed. I feel guilty that I don't go to more trouble, sometimes. So I buy them toys when I'm at Pet Smart buying their food and litter. Manufactured toys, more than just crumpled Post Its, more than just cardboard boxes that books come in, actual made for cats toys. My personal favorite is the stuffed replica of Bill Clinton. He wears a flag shirt with a Presidential seal on the front that says, "President of the United States", and on the back it says, "See Bill Run", and he is indeed wearing red white and blue running shoes, and shorts. I suppose the "See Bill Run" could be taken several ways. And catnip should be inside, somewhere, or so the cardboard attachment stated, I believe, but I threw that away a long time ago. N and G never liked it much, never cared for Clinton. I think I had more fun playing with him than they did, dancing him around, saying things like "Please vote for me", "I did not have sex with that woman", and "Vote for my wife Hillary for U.S. Senate", etc. while they merely stared at me, or yawned, or left the room. So, accustomed to the cats' nonchalance and total disregard for my efforts, I tried again to please them, yesterday, buying the big bag of expensive cat food and the giant box of cat litter, and well, a little toy. This time it's a little stuffed pillow type toy, much the same as Clinton, made by the same company, Kitty Hoots, I think, and it has a cartoon image of a mouse on the front, and the mouse's back on the back. I brought it home, thinking they'd hate it and I'd play with it trying to amuse them while they might yawn or leave the room, right? Oh no. Gladys smells it in the bag, takes time out to eat dinner, then comes back to find Norma has taken it, is lying on the floor licking it all over, in some kind of drugged out bliss, rolling around and kicking it, disemboweling this cartoon mouse image. Gladys sits looking, the most pitiable expression on her face. I know I'm projecting, anthropomorphosizing, or whatever, however it's spelled, but you should have seen her, really. I felt SO guilty. What was I thinking?! ONE toy for TWO cats?! Well, they weren't supposed to like it, now were they?! So, today, after work, I went and bought another, just like it, and they can each have their own, licking, disemboweling, rolling around insane-like, if they so choose. Oh, I took it from Norma and gave it to Gladys last night, the first toy, once Norma was totally out of it, and Gladys had her chance at it. They slept solid, for hours after the initial high. Catnip is pretty powerful stuff, and this was claimed to be "High Test Organic Zoom Around the Room Catnip". I believe it is. My friend H. called me yesterday, mainly to offer me something she was going to put up for sale in her yard sale in a couple weeks, but also to catch up, and we had a lot of catching up to do. I wish I felt close to her, or to anyone, but she is my bestest friend and I feel so removed. She finally asked about my job - took 'til we were about to hang up - and I said I still hate it, something awful I hate it, and I told her how my supervisor gave me a verbal warning for being 3 minutes late a couple days. I told her how I laughed, because it was ridiculous, and then how it occurred to me that she may be looking for excuses to fire me, and H. says, "Oh of course, they ARE going to fire you, you, the only white person, of COURSE they are going to fire you, sure they are, they fired S. for nothing (S. is her husband) at his job, and they are going to fire you for nothing", and well, this did NOT make me feel too great. I agreed, but then I totally panicked. We hung up and I was terrified, what will I do if they fire me, I don't have anything saved, I've only been solvent a year or two, this is horrible, I'm debt free, but I need money for my rent, my bills. I was in a semi-tizzy. I managed to relax somehow, but I'd told her how the internet company hadn't called me, and I am perfect for the job for which I submitted my resume. I was kinda low, realized it's time for the glorious PMS again too. Need to take the kava kava and see if it works to center me. So today I got a message on voice mail when I was away from my desk. The internet company. They got my resume, they want to talk to me, I call back, the woman I need to talk to is on another line, call again later, same thing, wait for her to call me, it's official phone tag, call again and we connect. She asks all kinds of questions, tellls me all kinds of info, and how much I'd be making if I were to be hired. A cut in pay. Ugh. I could wear jeans, it would be relaxed, the hours would be insane, they're open 24/7, I'd be doing roughly the same work, or very similar, but for a very cool company that I respect. Reminds me, I am supposed to read their mission statement before my interview. Yeah, I have an interview. Yeah, they have a mission statement. Everyone starts with this temp agency, that's who called me, then they're/I'm permanent temp, for at least 3 months, and then.....? I don't know. Okay, I'm trying not to talk myself out of it, I'm going to go to the interview, I'm going to come up with 3 professional references, I can do this, and I'm going to go, and they will look strangely at me for not wearing jeans to the interview, this I was told (how great does THAT sound?!), but I will ask when I can make more money, subtlely of course, and this has to be for me, this has to be something I can do. Meanwhile, I'm terrified I'll get fired, for something, for anything. I don't want to be fired, I want to quit. I want to walk in, pack up my things (what things?), and I want to say, "Hey, by the way, I got another job, so I'll see you next pay day, okay?", and then I'll walk out. Change freaks me out. Moving, new relationships, new jobs, it's all life, I know, but I need stability. I also need happiness and this job is making me crazy. Not that sitting in jeans talking on the phone to people about their internet service will make me happier, especially if it's at 3:00 in the morning, but I've got to try, right? Cost of the War in Iraq
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