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2001-11-18 / 10:12 p.m. ~Chasing Meteors...and Madonna~ I went outside to get my mail, after 4:00 this morning, and there were people outside, it seemed strange, but maybe not for a Saturday night. Late, Saturday night. One young woman sat on the curb, looking towards the sky, and I asked if she was looking for meteors. Yes, but she'd seen nothing yet. I got in my car and drove, trying to find a dark place, someplace I could drive to, park, get out of my car and stare upwards. Every place I went had so much light, so many lamp posts, too much light, and if I saw a darkened street I was afraid to pull in, felt too obvious, too vulnerable, too suspicious, too conspicuous. I drove and drove, for about an hour, and it seemed really weird to be out driving around at 4:30, 5:00 in the morning. And I felt kind of weak and sick, still. I ended up near where I work, on a hill, a rather high hill, a rather perfect spot really, and I pulled into a private drive, a small road with three or four houses on it, very dark, I couldn't see much. I turned around, facing back towards the main road and parked, turned off my lights, got out and stood next to the car, looked up, and there were "shooting stars", meteorites, meteors, dust particles, lit up in the night, burning themselves out. I'd look straight up, see one off to my right, to the east, turn my head to see it, then see another out of the corner of my eye, turn to see it and it would be out in a flash, lit up and gone. Then a larger one, and it left a long trail, pointed at the end, rainbow colored in the middle, and it reminded me of being on drugs, of tripping at the lake that night I saw a shooting star and no one believed me. And I'd seen a large flash fall from the sky this night, before I found this hill, in a well lit area, and thought my eyes deceived me. Surely, I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing. I stood, no sound but the wind, and here, atop the hill, there was wind, and it blew the leaves off the trees, really big leaves, and they fell to the ground in a sound that was too loud. I turned, startled, away from looking up, afraid. Why? I was alone, in the dark, at the start of a private road, at 5:15 in the morning, standing in the cold, in the wind, leaves blowing around me. I thought someone would walk up on me, someone else would be there. And I would appear strange, out of place. Even though I'd seen that van parked on the side of the main road... And I wondered why I hadn't come here first, why did it take so long to find this place? The office park at the top of the other hill, the one overlooking the river, was perfect too, but I'd gotten out of the car and not seen anything, the sounds in the trees, off the road in the woods on the riverbank were frightening too. Anything in the dark, when you're there alone, conjures images seen in horror movies. My mind is racing ahead to news stories, stories of the woman out looking up at the sky, the one who was never seen alive again. Fear. Silly fear. It was too isolated, that place, nothing but the rabbit which ran across the road ahead of me. And the sprinklers watering the drought stricken landscaping. Why had I never been to that place before? Why did I not know it exists? A straight up hill, one my car could barely make it up in second gear. And my car did not have a good morning climbing all these hills, and I began to worry I'd not even make it home. But once in the perfect spot, standing, leaning against my car, looking straight up, then east, recognizing the "big dipper", seeing shooting lights everywhere, every few seconds, and the ones with the trails, the one big one that brought a whistle from my lips, and a gasp....it was amazing. Those huge leaves hitting the ground around me, the wind here, but nowhere else, and me constantly looking around this unfamiliar place, still worried, still vulnerable, just wanting to see the stars, this "once in a lifetime" event. This shower of meteors. It was beautiful. My neck became sore, looking up for a long time is painful, always looking in the wrong part of the sky, it was the wrong place, the perfect place for now, for then, but it should've been the countryside, it should've been me with a friend, in a lawn chair, or on a blanket, we should've been able to point them out to each other, this nameless friend and me, but it was just me, in the cold wind. I got back in my car, maybe 15 minutes later, maybe 15 whole minutes of looking, of being drawn in, of losing myself, then hearing a noise, a leaf falling, turning, looking down, eyes adjusting to the dark, a lone passing car on the road. And I drove back home, the long way. Passing the van on the side of the road, two people now lying on top of it. An SUV behind it, two more people outside of it, a pickup truck in front of the huge water tanks, a man sitting in the truck bed, on a lawn chair, and I smiled, there were others, they'd seen the reports on the news, they wanted this to be part of their lifetimes, this "once in a lifetime" event. They looked one way, then another, There's another one, Look, over there, another one, Wait, did you see THAT?! I wasn't alone after all, and I wanted to stop, to turn around, to pull in behind them on the side of the road, say, Can I watch with you? That would've been too much. It was almost 6:00, it was almost over, it was going to end, couldn't turn back the time now. Too much wasted, not enough planning, and why? Why did this turn out like everything else? Why can't anything be perfect? On the way home, past a well lit shopping center, the farmer's market, I saw another light flash down from the sky, like something falling, a sparkling jewel, and was amazed I could see that here, with all the lights. They were everywhere, these flashes, these lights in the sky. I hated seeing the sun rise this morning, hated knowing it was all over, that that was it, I'd seen a few "shooting stars", they were fast and furious, and it was over before it began, me worrying, me overthinking, me not planning, me flying by the seat of my pants, me fast and furious as the stars, as the dust particles, the meteors, and I stayed online to find live shots, couldn't, read a bit about the Leonid Meteor Showers and got in bed. And I dreamed and dreamed, slept until 3:30. Waking after a dream of Madonna, and I don't know why I dream about her sometimes, but I do. I'm not a huge fan, but I admire her, I don't listen to her music, not much, but I have an album or two, but I've had these dreams where we meet, where she is a regular person and here was another one. She was at my house, not this apartment, but the house where I lived, not a real house, just a dream house, and she was entertaining, my friends and me, she was so nice, so real. There were more dreams I know, but none I remember, and I stayed in bed to dream them, wanting to sleep away any sickness invading my body, and I think it worked. I don't feel so bad anymore, not physically, and emotionally I am well too, I think. I did what I set out to do, what was important to me, and that always feels good, but as all good things it was over almost as soon as it began. I thought about it today though, about me driving so long to find the right place, getting out of my car in the dark, hearing those big leaves and thinking it was the sound of a person, that looking straight up left me vulnerable below, and I was suddenly proud of myself, thought, What other woman, on her own, went out this morning, drove to a perfect spot, alone, no one, but her, and got out and looked up? Who else has the balls to do that? It was gutsy, and it is a crazy world, and something could have happened to me, my car could've given up on me, anything could've happened on some of the lonely roads I drove, but it didn't. I did it. Just me. Once in my lifetime. Not like the time my friend Pat and I sat in lawn chairs outisde my house, on the patio, looking up, pointing to the meteors we saw, trying to share with each other before they were out of sight. That was nothing compared to this morning, nothing at all. Cost of the War in Iraq
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