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Saturday, Jan. 24, 2004 / 7:14 p.m. ~A Brief Exercise to Fill the Space~ This shall be an exercise in writing with nothing to say. I slept hard, I woke groggy. The G cat got under the covers with me, finally, and we were cozy. I love my sheets, I slept in flannel pajamas, my hair still smells like smoke, I didn't wash it yesterday. Last night I fell asleep in the bathtub, the first time ever. I was afraid I'd drown, somehow, so I managed it, I was aware of how long, how upright, how much I could take, but I was already in a dream state. I don't eat the way I used to, not the same amounts, I fill up faster, I've lost weight, I haven't bought food in days, I haven't washed my dishes, they are piled high all around the sink. It's always on my mental list of things to do, but all I want to do is sit here, stare at this screen, make things happen on it, reach out through it, try to connect with anything or anyone. I long for personal emails. The spam is out of hand. I updated my Friendster profile, I bought credits at Salon personals, I sent someone a note. It was sunny and beautiful when I woke up. Later it was cloudy and breezy. I only know what I can see out the windows. I only know the temperature from the Live WeatherBug on the task bar. It's 57. It was 61. I can hear wind blowing through the pines. No phone calls, few emails, I haven't brushed my teeth, I haven't washed my face, I haven't gotten dressed, but my pajamas still smell like patchouli from my hot bath last night. I can't concentrate on television, I can't sit in the same room with it. My attention span has shrunk and I need constant stimulation, how can I have Taurus as my Ascendant?, it's Gemini, it has to be Gemini. I am avoiding. And I am denying. And I am trying very hard to exit my own head so I don't have to think or feel. I just want stimuli, stimulation, to be stimulating myself, and maybe that's not a bad idea at all. Now that I've had sex again I want it all the time. Three times in four weeks, two different men, that's not bad, right? I need more. More faces, more bodies, I don't want to stop. I don't want anyone, but I want everyone, and I know exactly what I want, but right now I can't possibly remember. I am truly being here now, and I wish I'd not neglect the cats, they need stimulation as well. Gladiola played with me earlier, she started it, I followed. She grew tired so quickly and I accused her of being old. She said, "Up yours" and I got back in front of the computer. All I've eaten all day were some Guacamole Doritos. I want to go out, but I don't know where I want to go. I feel lonely after so much interaction. I need to get up and walk away. Cost of the War in Iraq
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