|
2001-10-26 / 8:05 p.m. ~Friday Night~ Yeah, second entry of the day, so fucking what? I'm a writer. I told someone I'm a photographer and a writer, it just spilled out, and I thought about it later, thought, Yes! What is my problem? I don't know what I am? I don't know who I am? Of course I do, it's always been right there. No National Geographic, my teenage dream, it's not really what I want, but something else maybe, and I still love the idea of a book of photos, a history of my family, with really long captions, stories, I can see it. Maybe one day....but yeah, it flowed from my fingers as I wrote it, a photographer and a writer, with confidence, no doubt, so clear. I jotted some notes earlier from work, things I wanted to write about. Here goes: Lulu said she would never let her kids watch the Teletubbies because one of them (the Teletubbies, not her children) is gay. Oh wow, does Jerry Falwell know exactly how far his influence has spread? Come on, because Tinkie Winkie is purple? Does purple really denote homosexuality? And a purse, but the damn thing is an oversized puppet, a big stuffed toy of a thing, not even a person, totally asexual, why turn it into something evil? And what's wrong with being gay anyway? Oh man, talk about biting one's tongue. I'm surprised my tongue hasn't split in two from all the biting I do. Anna says she cannot talk "issues" where she works either, and I asked why...she said because she cannot keep her mouth shut. Hah! I'm not alone! Good god, it feels so fucking good!!!! I didn't talk all day again. People are avoiding me now. It's too funny. I mean, if I make eye contact, sure, I'll say hello, whatever, and I talked to my supervisor, like we used to talk, told her about Lilly. Ah, yes, I called H. Our phones were down, again, servers all fucked up at work, the IT dept is so inept it's comical. But anyway, right, so we were sitting, idle, and I called. She was packing, they're really doing this, shipping their shit out west, Go West, Young Man....Young Family, whatever, it's happening. I asked her to tell Lilly hello and she said, "Tell her yourself", and put her on. Ever talk to an almost three year old on the phone? Oh, do it, do it now! Preferably one you know. I say, "Hi, Lilly!" and she knows it's me, says hi back, says, "I wanna come to your house"....oh, how fucking sweet is that? Last thing I said to her when I saw her last was, "You will have to come to my house some time, okay? We can play with my cars, my toys, we'll have fun!" (I collect Hot Wheels and she loves them! Oh, Happy Meal toys too...and stuffed animals.....either I'm hoping for children at some point, or I'm just a child myself). So, point is, she remembered! Then she cut me off, said, "Bye", then "Bye, bye", and that was that. I love that little girl, with every bit of me. I've known H. and her husband for over ten years now, of course I knew her before she got pregnant, hung out with her while she was, used to say, "Is it the baby?" every time she grimaced for any reason while she was pregnant. It was my little joke, probably drove her crazy, but I laughed every time. Then I was there the day after Lilly was born, held her hot little body up against me, she curled herself into me, all red and new, like a little space heater, a little human space heater. I held her while she slept, numerous times, I babysat only a few times, but I loved being with her, she has always been so special, the kind of child that people stop dead in their tracks to look at. "Look at the baby!", they say, and they thought she was a "he" forever. She still hasn't grown much hair on her head. But she's bright and she's beautiful, and when I met her that second day of her life, I wanted her, joked I would steal her. Everyone does.... She's leaving. Moving across the country, and H. jokes that no one cares that she is going, just that Lilly is going. We all want her to stay with us. I'm glad I called, I'm glad I touched base, we'll be okay, hopefully I can see them on my days off. I doubt I'm going up to NYC, I haven't researched cheap flights, and I'm losing interest in spending a lot of money, have my renters' insurance due...etc., etc., and yada, yada, yada, too. We'll see. One day, I will go, I will write about what I see, I will document it with my camera, for me. I need to go, just maybe not yet. Oh, I read an article on Yahoo about all the chemicals being released from the wreckage....benzene from the fires still burning! Still! It's cancer causing. Other shit too, but I can't remember names of chemicals. Interesting article. I feel so sorry for people who live right there. What else? Oh, right, depression/loss of appetite will cause one to lose weight. Duh, I know, but hey, I put on my Levi's 501s last night and was shocked! I wore them today to work too, and holy moly, there's room in the thighs, in the seat, the front, everywhere, how much did I lose? Scary, I guess, it wasn't intentional, but I prefer that this pair of jeans fits, it's better this way. As long as I'm not starving, I guess I'm okay. I still don't have too much of an appetite though. I need to work on that. The last hour of the day at work was very strange. As I said, everything was malfunctioning, as is the case more often than not lately, and D., the supervisor, told us we could go at 5:30 if we all agreed. P. didn't want to, but didn't want to be the lone dissenter. L., however, flatly refused. She said, "I'm not going unless they force us". Can you imagine? We're talking about losing 1/2 hour of pay. After taxes, it may be what, $4? I said, Come on, it's just lunch, it's a fucking Whopper with cheese and fries, right? Okay, maybe a double. Or a Subway sub, chips and a drink. Give me a break. So, we couldn't leave. The phones rang maybe four calls a person in an hour. I sat with my Walkman on, listening to Nick Drake and Me'shell Ndegeocello, beautiful, but I had to watch the phone constantly to see if it would light up, not able to hear it if it rang. I kept the little "sheep" program running on my PC, this little animated sheep that hangs out on your desktop, and the "cat" too. Stuff to look at. Finally, I turned down the volume a bit so I could hear if the phone rang, and I sat way down in my chair, rested my head on the seat back, closed my eyes and came incredibly close to dozing. I'm amazed I stayed awake. Democracy in action. We needed a uninanimous vote to leave, and we didn't get it. What a great country! What a great job, eh? Get paid to sleep? Whoo hoo. The Thrashers game is on, and once again I am not watching. They played great in pre-season, which counts for less than a hill of beans. Now they suck again, and I can't get into it. Doesn't mean I won't, but now, I don't know. I'm just kind of "blech". Tomorrow is the big day, another march and rally, I'm excited and a bit nervous. I will see the object of my crush, Carlos, and that will be odd, I have to gauge his reaction, and hopefully he's forgotten I told him I'm attracted. Hey, men don't seem to react too well to a woman saying she's attracted to them. Why is that? They get all defensive, remote, nasty even. I don't get it. Right now, I'm tired, I can see me going to bed early. I imagine I'll have a lot to write tomorrow... Oh yeah, someone wrote me a really nice email letter, someone who read my diary - I mean, it couldn't have been nicer, I don't think, someone new to my diary. Thanks. I wrote to you via email, but that makes this worthwhile, all this, writing, putting it out there, people reading it, for all the assholes that only give me a hard time, there is someone like you, someone with something good and positive to say. It's so rare on the internet. I thank you. (wait, I got email from two new people, two new strangers, I hope one of you doesn't think I mean you - makes no sense, I know, but face it, one was decent, but still argumentative, the other was nothing but nice - you should know which I speak of here) Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |