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Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005 / 7:19 p.m. ~Waiting for the Answer~ There is a lot of tension now, and there is a lot of stress, and it's only apparent to me when I realize I've had a headache that's lasted days, or I notice how set my jaw is and I force myself to make strange faces just to flex it, to stretch it out. One of our ranks is gone now, from the job. The first one to find a new job and leave. Saying goodbye was bittersweet, and her warm embrace felt good, sincere, as she whisphered in my ear that I should take great care with myself and my cats, that she really wishes me well, luck, and the best. I felt a welling up inside my chest, and when she stepped away I remembered how much I had once liked her, how we'd 'hit it off', before something changed, and it was never the same again. Tomorrow, she will be elsewhere. I told a coworker it would be 'funny', in that 'ironic funny' way, if we all left just the same, one by one, cards signed by the remaining, wishing us well, bouquets of flowers and mylar balloons. The ship is sinking. Too many decisions to make, so I make none. I've considered nearly everything that can be considered, the move to Oregon to be close to my cousin, the 'family' aspect, moving 'into town', but knowing I cannot possibly afford it, even moving to Florida, thinking maybe that is the ultimate happiness, to be there, and not for the weather, or the drunken college kids on spring break, but to be with someone who means so much to me. There is a draw to stay exactly here, as well, to stay where there is familiarity and comfort, and where the difficulty of sorting and packing and physically moving all of this to some other 'place', would be nonexistant. To stay would be easiest, physically, and possibly emotionally in the long run. I still wish something would happen, that a decision would be made for me, or an offer too good to refuse would present itself, or that I would win the lottery. Then I realize it's up to me. It's all up to me, and I'm hedging, waffling, waiting. It's hard to have to rely on me right now. Weeks, we have weeks. Less. Soon we'll know all the details we need to know, and every effort has been taken to help us secure gainful employment... elsewhere. Seminars, confidence boosting, open doors all around. We can find other work, we know we can, but we're all 'old-timers', we've all been so stuck there are ass prints in our chairs. Meanwhile, there is longing and desire, and today, a bad start to the day leaving me escaping through music, I listened to Dead Can Dance in the computer's CD drive, and as I found rote work to do, and it didn't require any thought on my part, my mind went wild, I was with him, and the mood was one of total fantasy mixed with healthy reality. It was a mixture of a past experience or two, and a hope for the future, and a musical background to take me anyplace I wanted to go. I held on to it all day, and now, now there is little of anything left to me. I'm drained. I ate Thai food, my favorites, my Basil Rolls, Nam Sod and Tofu Garlic Pepper, and now it will be amazing if I can stay awake all the way through Bush's speech tonight. I would like to take notes, but I may have to sleep instead. What I want is an answer, a concrete answer. What should I do? What is my future? And would it be better if I knew? Cost of the War in Iraq
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