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Monday, Jan. 19, 2004 / 6:27 p.m. ~The Omitted Text~ The photo, the one in the previous entry, has text accompanying, and I'm not sure why I omitted it. I was only seeing the photo, and for once the text is in English, this guy wrote to my mom in English - usually they were Latin, they wrote in Spanish, the men who adored her, but this one was very much an American. The photo is in a cardboard frame, it's in a card, from 'the World's Famous DOWN BEAT ROOM', in the Garrick Lounge, 58 W Randolph St, Chicago. You open it up and see the photo, but look on the other side, the page opposite, this is what he wrote: "Anne - darling, As this is written, we are snatching a few moments of happiness from the drab, plodding days that are the lot of the insignificant in this great war. The finding of our places in life was interrupted by this holocaust, and what our mutual fate would have been, it is impossible to guess. But for now, I merely wish to express my affection. To put it in words would be too trite, so I have not said this before. But, sincerely, I like you very much, Anne - perhaps more than that. Best love, Anne Bill" He was a soldier. She was someone he wanted, but circumstances got in their way. It's very romantic. They turned our phones off at work, finally, after someone yelled at me, "YOU BIG FAT SLUT!!!!!" early this morning. I picked up the phone, answered appropriately, and that was what he shouted, then he hung up. At that point I was really sort of over it, if you can imagine. Late in the day I tried the line myself, and it is now rerouted to another company, someone else is doing what we once did. I called and heard the voice of my replacement, and sort of gulped before I hung up on her. I didn't know what to say. Kukla is glad, but now we have literally nothing to do. We have about 1/2 an hour of work, between us, then nothing. What will we do the other 7.5 hours? Two weeks, then what? Two weeks of nothing, then more of nothing in the othe department? Yes, yes, the resume is fine, it's been ready to go, it's as good as it gets, has been, but what? Part of me is scared, the rest is just curious, just very curious. Today I'm resolved, to so many things. Another up and down day, more drama, more containment after explosions, and I am cryptic, I know, but I like to step around everything, I'm trying to relax with it all now. And there is someone new, already, someone willing, someone who makes so much sense, and I can't wait to talk to him again. I am afraid, but I can't wait. I am ready to date a 'grownup', I know, it's time, enough of childish young men, I need someone real. My monitor seems so dark, I'm squinting to see. My self-imposed Interweb hiatus lasted one whole day. One long day and one long night and I thought I could go one week, if need be, if I wanted, and I wanted, I did, but at work it was there, in the cube, and I could not resist, and I got into it, I interacted in that artificial way that is so common here, or there, or anywhere online, and I lost my temper, and I was upset and I couldn't eat, and I changed things around, drastically, but here everything is normal and good, and I want to be here, Diaryland. And then I talked to him, the new person, the one who makes nothing but sense, the one with the voice that wraps me up like a cozy warm blanket, makes me feel that it really is all okay, that I'm okay, and I've done nothing wrong, and I felt good. He made me feel good. Because I couldn't eat, I felt sick, and I ate a compressed bar filled with oats and things, raisins probably, one of those healthy things, and now I need actual food, real food, I need to be normal, I need to put so much behind me, I tried so hard, and I do not give up, that's not the phrase, I decide not to waste my time further. He is not worth it, the one that has left me tormented and frustrated, he was never worth it, why couldn't I see it? Not that I need to move from one to another, but maybe that is exactly what I need. And slowly. And it feels good. Cost of the War in Iraq
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