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2001-10-11 / 11:27 p.m. ~High Alert, Nazi Dyke, Suicide is Easy?~ Yeah, I just caught some great phrases, some buzz words, some things I wish I'd write down, so here I am, too tired really, I'd rather be sleeping, but I'll do this, I'm dedicated, so to speak. Where to start? Why am I so tired? Nelson called last night. Booty call, I know that, but he didn't get what he wanted. Or did he? We'll have to ask him. "The Amazing Race" was good, as always, even watching Amy throw up into that ziploc bag, it was all good, and I'm sorry they won't get the million for their wedding, but love doesn't cost money, does it? They'll be fine. So...I sit to watch the "Felicity" season premiere, on tape, and the computer is left on, and well, the Call Wave catches Nelson surfing, so I stop what I'm doing (what hold does he have over me?) and I call him back. Oh, and it's this, "Call me on my cell phone first so I can be by my home phone - don't want to disturb my mom..." thing, and I know he's from El Salvador, and I believe he lives with his mom, and I believe all of it, but Jesus God, could it have sounded any more like he is a cheating spouse? Hardly. But I do it, and we chat. I tell him about my mixed feelings on the anti-war front, and I joke about bombing the hell out of Afghanistan, how we should really just bomb the whole rest of the world, wipe out everyone, put up some McDonald's, some Disney Worlds and hotels and military bases, just take over the world. Maybe we should all be white with blonde hair and blue eyes too (oh, they'd have to kill me then). So, I'm cynical and sarcastic and letting off steam, telling Nelson of the new anti-war group forming, how I left messages on the news groups saying, "Huh?", so to speak, and I'm rambling, and then he rambles, and for some reason he starts asking me about my shitting habits, and we're actually discussing our body functions, like we're best friends, and it's intimate, I'd guess, but not sexual at all, and it feels only slightly strange, maybe because I've never "met" him, not in "real life", and I know I never will. He still says, "When I go there we'll have to_", and I just stop dead. He is so full of shit. We must've talked for hours. I played some Jeff Buckley for him, and he played Edwin McCain, and we have different musical tastes, different everything tastes, even in shitting habits. Finally, as always, he wants to have phone sex, and I know that's why he called, but I say no, not in the mood to masturbate while listening to him describe the same old things he'd do to me if he were here, thinking the whole time that it's not quite what I'd like, and wondering if he were really here if it would be more to my liking. Nope. That was that. But it was good to talk, and at 1:30 we were saying goodbye, and suddenly I stood up and the room began to spin, I could barely stand, I was scared, I was nauseous, I thought I'd throw up, and like Tattoobelly writes in her diary, I too do not want to break my years long streak of not vomiting. Suddenly my stomach churns and all the talk of shitting has gone straight to my lower g.i. tract. How odd. Eggs? Allergy? Salmonella? Is dizziness common with stomach viruses? It was horrible, really. So, yeah, I'm tired. Lulu and I went to lunch together today, totally spontaneously. There is a cool 24 hour diner near where we work and I said I'd never been, so we went, and I had the traditional Greek owned diner food: a gyro. Decent. But later I realized I was supposed to go home at lunch to watch that "Felicity" so I could tape today's "Guiding Light", so now I am missing an episode. Gasp! Me, miss "GL"??? Never. How weird will this be? Oh, horrors. I'm serious. Then, tonight, all settled in and George is on instead of "Survivor" - how did I not know that was going to happen? He is so funny, our president. I was sitting there listening, watching, just going along with all of it, thinking, This is it, I'm going over to the other side, I'm with it, I'm going out tomorrow and buying an entire ensemble made of American Flags. I'm for it, bomb 'em! Kill 'em all! We'll wipe out "terror" all right!! Damn them, they can't get away with killing OUR people! Someone asks George how long this war will last....and I say, seconds before George answers, "As long as it takes". So, when he said it I giggled, curled up on the sofa, bowl of popcorn in my lap, shook my feet out in front of me, it was so funny! Whee! Yeah, I'm loopy with it, I'm sick of all of it. Go ahead, let them attack us again, whatever. I could be like Keya was the other day, pre-firing, "We're bombing someone? Who? When did we start? I don't watch TV, I don't read the paper, I didn't know, it doesn't affect me....". I could think, you know...here....we don't feel a thing. We don't have twin towers, we don't have a Pentagon, we're cool, what the fuck do I care? Two anti-war groups? Which one has the better coffee at the meetings? Which one has better signs? Hmmmm...what shall I wear to the march? Will there be cute boys there? This whole thing is so fucking ridiculous it all makes me laugh at this point. And I love the humanitarian aid aspect - now, George is asking little kids to save up one whole U.S. dollar (keeping in mind that is like 70,000 of their currency in Afghanistan) and give it to the little Afghan children, on account of one in three is an orphan, don'tcha know? And why are they orphans? Could it be because we bombed the fuck out of them? Because we gave money to their terrorist regime and the sick fucks killed their parents, after mutilating and raping them first? So, what the hell, let's get our kids to give their kids some pocket change so we can all feel better. This is too rich. But, fuck all of that, who cares, right? Doesn't affect ME, right? Tonight on "ER", Carey Weaver tries to fire Dr. Malucci because he was boning a cute EMT in the ambulance outside the emergency entrance. He is rightfully pissed, gives her a piece of his mind, and on his way out calls her a "Nazi Dyke", or was it "Nazi Dyke Bitch"? I'm tired, already I can't remember, but it was a great television moment. Joy, really. Oh yeah, before that, post-George and the fund raising aimed at America's children, "CSI" was on, and it was good as usual. Grissom is so sexy to me, and I think he's too paunchy, he used to be really cute, but you know why I like him so much? He is SMART. He is so smart, so clever, always thinking, always ahead of everyone else. Wow, an intelligent man is so fucking sexy to me!!! Anyway, so this guy has apparently committed suicide, right?, and someone says that he took the "easy way out", and this bothers me, like really bothers me, enough to remember it at a time when I can't seem to remember anything at all (tired, you know). Why? Because, suicide is not easy - not that I've done it, duh - if it were easy we'd all be dead. To me, and I'm no expert, but yeah, I've considered it a few times in my life, it would be the hardest thing I'd ever do. To leap into the vast unknown.....forget it. It's terrifying to me. Easy? To cause myself pain, on purpose? To leave all I've ever known? All I can remember? To leave my corporeal being to become nothingness? Or to be reincarnated and have to do it over, as a bunny or something? Or to go to "hell"? Or whatever? Hell no. Easy? Why would anyone say that? Alright, I'm going to bed now. I'll be on "high alert" though. So nobody better try anything. I am so fucking ready it's not funny. Oh, I just thought of something else George said that was hilarious! He talked about Hussein building "weapons of mass destruction", and how very wrong and bad and evil that was, and how he is a bad man, Hussein and we will punish him too, you'll see, and I thought, HAH!, what would you call our own nuclear arsenal? Much of it untested, lying underground in Nevada or someplace, probably leaking into the aquifers by now.....what would you call that? Huh? Huh? I love this country! Isn't America great? Wait, don't answer that. Technically, geographically, yes, it's outstanding, and it's certainly worth a few laughs when our president gets on the tube, but please, could we be any more all about "My dick is bigger than yours"? Cost of the War in Iraq
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