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Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 / 7:54 p.m. ~It Never Fits Me~ And here we have the Cainer forecast for this week, for me, for it's all about me, and, well, every other Aries person on the planet: Some people find it hard to assert themselves. They need to be reassured and told that they should do whatever they think is right. Others tend to shoot first and ask questions later. They might often be much better advised to do whatever other people think is right! Which type are you? Well, let's just say that you rarely find it hard to reach a decision. Just between you and me though, (and I promise, nobody else will get to know about this) the conclusion you jump to is not always the correct one. Recently, you have been a little too quick to lock a door. This week brings a precious chance to open it once more. Hmmmmmm... I suppose it's Halloween. I suppose this is a great and wonderful pagan holiday, and I suppose I should feel something more festive than the usual, per lately, oh, woe is me. No one has rung my doorbell, yet, and let's hope they do not, for it will do little more than send shivers up and down my spine and have me hoping they leave as quickly as they arrived. No candy here, no celebrating, and expect the same on the four day Thanksgiving weekend, and the same when Christmas rolls around, on a Saturday, thank you very much. I do not 'do' holidays. And in my mind it's the first of this next month, it's November on all my calendars, all clocks have been set back, even my watch, and try explaining to a couple of cats most certainly accustomed to eating their 'supper' at 5:15 or thereabouts, in the p.m., that it is really 4:15, no longer the 5:15 they think it is. They must surely have forgotten to set their little internal clocks back. Fall back, you silly girls. I've showered, and I've washed my hair, and the feeling is one of cleanliness, yes, but of all bad juju falling away with the dirty water down the drain. I'm rejuvenated, and I know I have to resume my normal life tomorrow, I must go to work and speak to people I'd much rather never see again, ever, and I must find ways to occupy my time, thusly accounting for it all simultaneously, and the bread shall be earned, the living made. And I'll eat, and I'll sleep, and I'll check email, and I'll feed the cats who still won't know what time it 'really' is, not for days, and one day soon the weather will change for good, for the next few months anyway, as now, today, this all hallow's eve, or something, I have my a/c on, and it was hot, but now it's comfortable. I've lost my mind again, I've allowed myself to react again, and I've allowed myself to feel intense spiritual pain, the deepest sort, because I grew close to someone. I must stop doing that, I must stop thinking I can grow close, I can give of myself and receive in return, and I can let all my defenses down, because every time, mark these words, burn them into my flesh, it ends up with tremendous pain felt so deep inside I sink with it and it takes great strength to pull myself out. I wonder how long that strength will be there for me to tap into. Will there ever be a time where the strength is gone, when I hover over some shell of my former self, looking for a way out, a way back in, and it's gone? How many more times, and each time feels harder, can I go through that particular feeling? I think it is harder now, the older I get, because I recognize the insanity of it, the pattern and how often it's been repeated, in spite of any intelligent thoughts on the subject I have. It's as if my own brain power cannot overcome what feelings lie inside me, someplace deeper, call it a heart, call it something else. Therein lies some innate desire to love, and to be loved in return, a most basic 'need', and one which seems unable to be met successfully. So I steel myself once again, as always, and it's an old story, not worthy of metaphors, river, desert, tundra, it's just the way it is. Open, close, walls, guard let down, open, hurt, ow, pain, walls, close, lather, rinse, repeat so you buy more of our product. You will run out faster and we can become rich! Life goes on, with you or without you. Funny that. Can't stop moving because of some ridiculous setback. No, the door is closed, and it is locked, and I don't need an opportunity to unlock it, thank you very much, Jonathan Cainer. Write your silly horoscopes online, but you're never right about me. I stop right now, and look around this room, see cats curled up on the floor in usual spots, books on shelves dusty with the dust of years accumulated, and think of accumulated years, and wonder how many more, and picture them spent here, never leaving this place. And wondering what of all of this when I am gone, what legacy is left behind, what piles of things, and words left on screen, and on paper, and it's best just to be here now, this is all I know to do. Life goes on, I'll keep going. Can't stay down too long, must function. And I do it so well. No one ever knows, no one can really know. Cost of the War in Iraq
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