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2001-11-24 / 9:55 p.m. ~Is Loving the Outside the First Step in Loving the Inside?~ I'm half watching "It's a Wonderful Life", half looking at the pile of catalogs I got in the mail today, and that doesn't leave another half, does it? But there's another half that is anxious or restless or bored, or unsure. I went out to see "Amelie" again, but there was so much traffic in the area of the theatre, and the little parking lot behind it was so full, cars driving in circles, and I was early, like too early, but I drove around and around, a couple blocks in both directions, looking for a place to park, each time passing the theatre, and there was a line finally, a LINE to get in to see a French movie, with subtitles! Isn't that fantastic?! I was so happy to see how many people were going, that they must've filled the parking lot, the people waiting to see this movie, not people waiting to go to the pizza restaurant, or the furniture store in the same block.... I was frustrated, but I'd seen the movie, and I will see it again, this I know, but I was too happy to think that maybe there was a good article in the paper today, or maybe it's just word of mouth, or maybe it's the Miramax machine, the marketing genius behind the best imported foreign films. So I went to see "Monsters Inc" instead, at the glitzy mall. It was okay, but there were so many distractions, children, people sitting in the aisle because it was so crowded, and my own hunger, wondering what I'd order from my favorite Thai restaurant. But it was good, cute, funny, well done, the animation, but on the way to pick up my Thai takeout, I was thinking the reason I didn't warm to it completely was the characters are ugly. Yeah, the monsters, they're UGLY! Like "O Brother, Where Art Thou?", with those guys with the greasy hair and bad teeth, always dirty, so dirty you can smell them just watching in the theatre, they were ugly too. I want to see handsome people, even cartoon characters shouldn't be too ugly. This is why I never watched "Ren and Stimpy". Ugly. Hey, there are plenty of ugly characters in the world, human and otherwise, and there's a place for everyone, but I want to see something I don't often see, a bit of perfection. So sue me. And I got my food, and came home and pigged out, and as I was finishing, eating all I could eat, setting aside some Tofu Garlic Pepper for leftovers, I ate a piece of tofu that tasted like something rotten, maybe a rotten vegetable, or rotten meat, I couldn't tell, and it was very strange indeed...... I was thinking too of feeling ugly myself, what I wrote earlier today about a man not wanting me, not being pretty enough, needing to "doctor" myself before someone would want to have sex with me, then I looked in the mirror in the bathroom at the movie theatre, and it was the lighting, surely, and the fact that I'd just washed my hair before I left the apartment, and I fluffed it with the towel to dry it a bit this time, so it was full, and it is long these days, and well, I don't know, but I thought I was striking, really, and it caught me off guard, and for once I wanted to stand in front of that mirror and just feel good about me, maybe show me off to someone, say, Look, I'm not that bad, you'd have sex with me, right? But I didn't. Do we need to hear it from others before we can believe it ourselves? But I've never believed someone else when I knew otherwise, when someone said, You look really nice today, and I knew I didn't. I knew he/she was lying, trying to get on my good side, must've wanted something from me, right? So, do I miss hearing someone I respect tell me I'm beautiful? Has it been so long that I only see the flaws now, that I can't see anything else, anymore? And do I need to hear it? To begin to love myself, to feel that someone else might love me too? And why should it all be about the outside, when what I want is for someone to fall in love with what's inside, and to know then that the outside won't matter, unless it's seen as a bonus? Why do I even care? Because for a moment I thought I looked good, and that someone else might think so, if ever there were going to be a someone else. And I don't think there will be....I tell myself that so that if there never is I am not disappointed, but if there is, one day, then I can be surprised, thrilled even. I think we're getting to the portion wherein we see what things would've been like if George Bailey had never existed.......I should get back to my movie. Have I ever sat and watched it all the way through? "It's a Wonderful Life". And it is a good movie, yes, it is, but NBC owns it now, for years or something, and they only show it once, not like in the day, when they showed it every few days during the "holiday season", when you could catch it, always. But did I have the patience, tonight? No, not to sit, I lost my momentum, my viewing momentum. Saturday night....what SHOULD I be doing? Should I be going out? Alone? Again? What's that song..."Alone Again...Naturally". No, I don't feel sad, maybe pitiable, not sad. I can't seem to get any cleaning done at night. It's in the light of day, when the sun shines in to light on the dusty layer obscuring everything, that's when it seems the time. Not now. Now is TV time, and how convenient is that? If I don't get something done tomorrow, or Monday, I don't know how I can love myself. I'll be angry, and I'll loathe me. Here's hoping for productivity, and that the piece of tofu was the only piece, the only one that tasted so awful. Cost of the War in Iraq
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