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Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2004 / 1:21 a.m. ~This Will Make No Sense~ I've been neglecting this diary, I know, and it's not that I'm not writing, and I know at least one person doesn't want to hear this, but I've been writing elsewhere. It's just a habit, and I end up not knowing what to write where. Feeling I want to update certain people, there are people who should know what happened, or what I feel, or I want them to know, so I tell them, in my own offhand way. It's late. Time has passed. It was a big day, things happened, I'll try to word it all appropriately later, I'll try to be coherent and inclusive, and I want to update this, I want to be a daily writer here, I do. Right now, right now I don't want to feel anything I'm feeling. There was a trigger and synapses are firing in response, but I don't want to go down this road. I need to back up, be practical. This is not a weekend, this is a week night. I've missed too much work, and work is not what it was, that's part of it, all of it. Nothing is what it was. Change is good, so 'they' say, and I crave it, but when there is so little to hold on to, and so much that eludes our grasp, what good is the change? If not positive, what good? I met Dennis Kucinich tonight. Can I just get that in? And I was overwhelmed. I am smitten. I think he and Moby are the two most amazing men I've ever met. But Dennis could be our president, and don't say, "But he won't win". If you vote for him, he will. So many people have no idea who's running, what's at stake, what's going on in this country. Pay attention people, pay attention. Kucinich.us, that's the web site. Kucinich.us, there, I made it easier for you. Click. Read. Think. Use your head. Vote your heart. Ran into an old friend tonight and a lot of memories flooded back. There's a lot there, and it was good, ultimately very good, but I feel so stuck in the same place when I hear of all the changes in his life. I'm going to backtrack, I'm going to take time, there is so much I've been wanting to write. Everything has shifted though, know this. Nothing is what it was, even a month ago. The job, the emotions, the stability, the day to day. I lay in bed last night unable to sleep. Listening to the sound of the train nearby, the one I have never seen. Same time every night, probably I'll hear it soon now, the long low whistle, like a horn almost, though there is no train. I know of no train near here. My mind was running wild, I was thinking in writing, I was writing every thought, every idea, in my head, it was one long diary/journal entry, and I wanted to put it here, or there, or on paper, but I wanted it to be read, I wanted it out there, I wanted to be heard. Sensory/spiritual overload. Maybe it's like this... Maybe it's like the perfect day, maybe it's Summer, maybe it's swimming naked in a lake with your best friends, laughing, splashing, soaking up the sun on a private dock, feeling the breeze soft on your skin, maybe it's watching the sun set, the most beautiful sunset, the birds flying low in the sky, the sound of crickets, cicadas singing, maybe the air turns cool, sweaters are put on, the day is over, tomorrow you have to go home, wherever home is. Maybe it's that sadness, that reality sinking in feeling. Or coming home after a long trip. Like when I got back from a month in Europe. There's a down time, there's time taken to recharge, to reassess, maybe that's all it is, but depending, you want it to keep going, don't you? The child in you never wants the ride to end, and you see more bright shiny things you want to add to your collection, but you're told No, in no uncertain terms. The analogies could go on forever, but I'm not even sure what I mean anymore. I get steely, I close up, I contract, then I expand and open again, like new buds forming and opening, petals falling off. Do you see? It's a cycle, leave it at that. This is the desire stage, again. And it's leaving me wanting, the unfulfillment. Kucinich is amazing, did I say that? I will make more sense tomorrow. Or, later today in fact. Cost of the War in Iraq
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