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Sunday, Jun. 12, 2005 / 4:26 p.m. ~The Sun is Out, but Not to My Preference~ I think today will be hot, I think it may already be, and I see the sun is shining, though I've indicated my preference that it not take the time. Breaking through all those clouds must be a chore. I can tell it's hotter by how often the air conditioning comes on, and it's so loud, I feel I can't hear myself think, and there's always the television, and I have to turn it up louder each time, then it gets quiet suddenly and I have to turn it down, and I feel like the remote control has made itself quite at home in my hand. I'm at that point again, where I feel a strong need to run out of here and not look back, too much time spent indoors, and there is only so much for me here, it all requires so much maintenance, I just want to go out and stare at running water or leaves on tree branches, or cars on a freeway, anything but this, this cabin fever taking over my body and making me tired and ill. Slowly, I think this should happen slowly, especially today. There must have been a reason for so much sleep, my body must have wanted it, and not just to extricate from one dream and to move on to the next, waking in between, feeling a need to flee, but there must be some internal healing needed there as well. There must be some low resistance, and some invader, some fight ongoing, and best to let it happen, not to interfere. Pedestrian: I did three loads of laundry yesterday, they were processed, placed in appropriate vessels, knobs turned, and time waited, and clothes folded, put 'away', and dishes washed, as previously mentioned, it felt like a big day, like a lot was accomplished. Food was cooked, and eaten, and enjoyed immensely, if it feels I can't possibly hold much anymore, I fill up so quickly. My fluorescent lights in the kitchen ceiling are malfunctioning, and this is new to me. I should call the office, see if it's something they fix, or is it something I fix. Google is not helping me much. They started last December, just when I thought not one more thing could go wrong, and a tap to the outer covering was all they needed. No tap will suffice now, they're antagonistic and petulant tubes of filament and gas, or something, I don't even know what composes them, but they need attention. This is a problem, for that light is much needed. Oh, this feeling of needing to lie back down is nearly overwhelming. I think some force is necessary here, a push, a shove, but in which direction first? Is there really that much that 'needs doing', still? And people tell me that since I've no children, no husband, I've no responsibilities. I reply with a resounding, you have no idea. And this is fine. That you have no idea, you need no idea of my life. Speaking of which, do not ever think it a good idea to share inner thoughts and feelings on a sensitive subject with someone not known terribly well. And, this, I love the way this cat will get up and follow me if I get up and leave this room. The getting up will be mutual, but not simultaneous. She needs to be next to me. What can she be thinking? Anything? Cost of the War in Iraq
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