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2001-07-30 / 7:06 p.m. ~Okay to go~ Isn't that what Jodie Foster said over and over and over in the movie "Contact"? She was in the ship-thing they buit to go to the fourth dimension, or outer space, or whatever it was, someplace to meet the aliens, and she was buckled in and she had to say if she was okay to go, if she was ready, and once she got out there, well, that's all she could say, on account of she was real freaked out. Well, I loved that scene. That was a good movie, and yes, I actually read the book when it came out too. Me, reading Carl Sagan, go figure. But that's how I feel now, "okay to go". My electrical system is working, in my car that is. I have a new alternator and voltage regulator. Whoo hoo. So fucking what. Yeah, I'm out like $215, parts and labor. It took 3 1/2 days. I had to miss work, some work. I called in late this morning, just late, not out. Then I waited, again with the waiting. It's not fun. What to do? Don't want to start any projects, no, just sit and watch Regis and Kelly, and surprisingly, I enjoy it. Then I'm pacing, calling, and it's not ready, the voltage regulator was used, it was a dud, they had to get another. More waiting, this time I watch part of "The View", and again, I enjoy it. Uh oh, could I ever really enjoy daytime TV??? This is frightening. No, if I were ever home in the morning I'd be sleeping. I'm a night person. With a day job. Whatever, long story longer, they send a guy to get me (this was the best part of the whole thing, I got a free ride) and I get my car and drive away, and it's belching white smoke, and I'm thinking it's not really fixed, now is it? No, the electrical system is, but what about the carburetor and fuel pump and exhaust system and head gasket and oil leak, and when will I put my 17 year old car out to pasture? I couldn't wait to get to work, and that felt as weird as it is now to write it. I had enough of daytime TV, of waiting, of being dressed and ready to go, so I went. I skipped my lunch break and only missed 2.25 hours, as far as I can calculate. I jumped in, the phones were crazy, I was productive, I was happy to be there. Sick of being home neglecting everything, or being addicted to the 'net. Work can be good. Good for the soul. I called Media Play to see if they had the Jeff Buckley CD, "Grace", and they actually had one copy, so they held it for me and I picked it up just now after work. I'm listening to it now and it's all the same music from the taped concert I saw last night on MTV2. I love it. It doesn't have the energy that the concert did, and there are some more instruments added to the studio production, unnecessarily so, I think, but his voice, his energy, his spirit.......wow, I recommend it to anyone within eyeshot. You're reading this, you like male singer/songwriters, young beautiful men with lots of passion pouring out their souls into their music? Go get "Grace", now. Okay. So, I'm in line, at Media Play, and this woman says, "Ma'am, I can take you over here", and she looks at me, and I look at her, and there's this instant recognition. I know her, she knows me, she remembers me, and that is odd. Lately, I am so insecure due to my invisibility, but here is someone on whom I made an impact - a manager from the Media Play where I worked in '97. And she remembers the year, and she remembers I worked in the Books dept., and I notice she lost weight, and she says yes, 40 pounds, and she's kept it off. And she had a little girl. And, and, now she's General Manager here, at this Media Play, and she'd love it if I came and worked for her. Part time. Oh, I'd love to, I'd really love to, but I can't work at 5:00 'cause I work 'til 6:00 at a much more lucrative position, full time. But, oh, I'd love to. How amazing that someone just offered me a job. If only it could have been a "real" job......... So, I'm okay to go, I'm okay to go, the car is good, for now, 'til the next emergency. It starts and stops, and gets me to work and back. I have a new CD, new music to hear again and again. Things could be worse. I have a couple confessions though.....I am actually lonely. Egad, I'd never admit that, but I realize it, I am starved for companionship, for stimulating conversation, for true friendship, so I've got to stop isolating myself quite so much. And, I realize I am horribly shy and insecure. Isn't that insane? Me??? The dynamic, boisterous one? Yeah, I see people coming at me and I just dread having to say hello. If they don't talk first I don't talk either. I rely on them to say the first hello. Maybe it's not shy, maybe it's not insecure, maybe it's something else. So, I end up not saying hello and people think I'm horrible and rude, and they don't even take the time to dig deeper. But, I'm okay to go, and that's enough for now. Cost of the War in Iraq
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