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Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 / 7:34 p.m. ~I Still Do Not Understand Why~ What a day. Said as Betty Davis saying, "What a dump", which is sort of "What. A. Dumpuh." I don't even know. The phone (the 'land line'!) rang really early this morning, or early for me, as I may get up at a quarter to seven, but I sure don't get phone calls until, well, never. I mean my phone at work rings sometimes, work contacts with questions or problems, or some such, wrong numbers, etc., and now I'm doing a front desk shift every day, since the receptionist got laid off, and that switchboard actually never rings either, at least not while I'm up there (I love sitting there for an hour reading, and looking out the window at the trees and the blossom petals all over the parking lot, blowing in the wind like snowflakes). But it was weird, that is all, it was weird, and good, and really, should I write about it, how I feel about it, about who called, and do you want to know, do you? Who reads this? Hell, I honestly do not know. The Wisconsin person, the person in Japan, it is Japan, right? He said he doesn't want me to hate him, and good god I think I've said that before too. Haven't I? And to whom? ("I just don't want you to hate me", or "You don't hate me, still, do you?") I don't hate him, but I did have to shut him out, I couldn't go on hoping and waiting, inside myself or outside. And last week's adventure meeting Moby again, and the Bike Night spontaneity, and the kiss with the stranger, and the groin pressed to him during that bike ride, and well, yes, there was a monumental shift in my psyche, and it helped me... let go. So I felt distant this morning, like why are you calling me, what do you want, you don't call me, you ignore me, that's what you do, you aren't very kind to me, and he said something about a 'one strike rule', and was that in regard to me? I'm afraid I was in a bit of a haze, getting ready for work and all, and this surprise phone call, and just because a person gets up early does not mean it's okay to call other people early, is it?, sort of unnerved me. No, I'm glad, it was nice, a nice surprise, but he missed out on having me in his life, at least recently, in the future we still don't know anything, but it feels like things should have been amazing, and I was cut off, and one strike or not, I believe there is goodness in everyone, it's the insanely 'glass half-full to overflowing' side of me. I don't want to be the eternal optimist, for that implies a certain naivete, but I am, nonetheless. I can't even recount the conversation, something about an email he received, and a reminder of the past, and wanting to get past, and wanting to apologize, to me, and I still do not understand. I just don't get it. I'm okay though, I mean I called him back after we hung up, I had to reiterate that I still care, oh, do I, but I have to not care, quite so much, I have to take care of me, and I still don't get what happened, why I didn't move there to be near him, not in his place, but nearby, and when he mentioned he's been dating, well that made sense. I think if you date some new people it's rather easier to forget the old people, especially those with strikes through their names. Just like John has helped me think of possibilities with other men, and if he'd been in a better place in his life not a male Cinderella turning into a pumpkin and going back to his repair shop to sleep amidst car parts at midnight, I think we'd be dating right now. And if it weren't all rainy and yucky out, I'd most likely be sitting with a big burger in front of me at Bike Night right now. But, amends, apologies, I don't know what it was, but it was nice. Good to hear his voice, good to hear him open up, like he does sometimes, and I think I missed some crucial dialogue when his cell broke up, and I even said, "You're saying important things and you're breaking up!", and it's hard to get someone to repeat when he says, "I do care"... "I'm sorry, what, what did you say, WHAT?, you're breaking up!" It colored my day, I drove to work in a storm, and the sky was dark, like really dark, for a long time. There was thunder and lightning, and at my front desk shift the accounting guy came by on his way to lunch and said hello and told me how sad he is he's losing his job, and he is old and is afraid he won't find something and a man is nothing without a job, haven't I heard that?, and he feels like that, like he is going to be nothing, and I felt so sad for him. Do not get me wrong, I love when old lovers call me out of the blue, I love when people I've loved, or thought I've loved, suddenly remember me and want to apologize to me, for whatever, for anything (but it's really about them, not me, now isn't it?, did he even ask how I am?), but when I'm getting ready for work and there really is no time, and the connection is bad, and I have questions, dammit, and I want more, it just makes me want more, it's great, no, really, but it sucks too. I think I'd told myself, Okay, you, that's it, no more, not one more text message, not one more email, not one more log on to MSN to see if he's there, you, you, you will be STRONG, you are a woman who does not need a man, though you want one, oh yes, how you do, and you wanted HIM, BAD, but if you met John and it was just so easy, you know if you only leave your house you will meet more men (and the favorite coworker knows this now too, and it's our running joke, where she tells me I need to leave my house, and asks on Monday if I left my house over the weekend, and she wants me to leave my house because she knows I'll change my life and I'll find happiness), and maybe one will finally be the 'right' one. Because secretly, you, you, you know how you are, you want to meet the 'right' one, and though you saw yourself with Mr. 'I'll call her now because I'm in the mood to apologize', yes, you saw a FUTURE with him, he is gone, and he may call once in a blue moon and totally surprise you and freak you out just a bit, and maybe one time you won't be so friendly, like when Omar called and started talking about massage school, remember?, and you just said, "Huh" or something, but, but, but, best to be as cool as you've recently become. And my horoscope says I'm due for major transformation this coming month. April, my birth month, April, spring, newness, rebirth, and we know I'm losing my job, I'll get a new one, and my life will change, and maybe I'll love and be loved too, or at least love myself a lot more, because I feel that is happening already. It started with the phone call, and I'm glad he called, and I wasn't sure I should write about it, but if he's not online he's not reading, so we can say whatever we want here and not worry. It's just the Wisconsin person, the Japan person, and a couple others, you know who you are. It's only the 'Internets' after all, right? It's all private and everything, right? When I tell him how much I care for him, I'm so guarded, I never say it exactly right, and he never responds much, leaving me to believe he doesn't give a fuck, but then why? I do not understand. He's nostalgic, he was thinking this morning, and he changed his phone number, and maybe he wanted me to have it, and as the supervisor who sits next to me at work says, "You're thinking too much!", and I say, "I can't help it", and I want to add, "I'm intelligent, I think I have a high IQ, it's this curse, this overactive brain function thing", but I never elaborate. But, "Survivor" is about to come on, and I will stop thinking with that. Cost of the War in Iraq
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