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2001-10-29 / 10:03 p.m. ~Seeking Comfort Amidst the Change~ Wow. I just wrote a lot here, a lot, and purposely deleted it. That's a first for me. I am actually censoring myself, in a locked diary. I was addressing why this diary is now locked, but it's not appropriate. It's just not appropriate to get into it. I'll just say I'm sorry for what another diarist is going through, that she is clearly having some problems and is somewhat delusional, for lack of a better word, and I hope she is okay, in the long run. I don't need to write about what occurred between us, that is private and I will respect that. I don't know that she will, but I don't think I should address it, not here. Moving right along.....I had originally started this entry, at 10:03 (it's now 40 minutes later!), saying that I feel "off", and what happened with this other diarist is one of the main reasons. It's changed things here, for me, writing in this diary. But other than that...... I'm having tremendous difficulty writing here. I mean it, I keep starting sentences, wanting to pick up where I left off, what's going on in my life, the meetings I've attended, walking in the park with Anna today, my day off, all of it, but I'm really stuck. It's more a feeling than an event, it's not about where I've been, catching someone up on my life, thinking I know anyone here, or that I'm sharing with friends, or strangers, I don't know what any of it is anymore, this, this diary. I feel totally lost, right in this moment. Maybe I can go backwards, from there. From feeling lost. Why do I feel lost? I dreamed of the long term relationship again this morning. It was vivid, very vivid, we were together again, I was making him some sort of necklace to wear, I had some bead I wanted to put on a string for his neck - I was going to use fishing line, but that's too weird, so I switched to some piece of fur, also very weird, but I guess I finally finished it for him. I remember the feeling more than the events, again, like now, but I hugged him, we may have kissed, and it was the overall feeling of loving him, of totally loving this person, him, and being "back" with him, like I was back where I belong. I know there was more to it than that, and I can say it was vivid without remembering the details, the details are not vivid, not in a descriptive way at least, I can picture them, but I cannot describe them. It's enough for me to know that I felt all I felt in the dream, and it was me with him, again. This is not something I think about in my waking life, being with him again. That was years ago. But the point is, as is the point with the dream of the house I used to live in, those were long term things in my life, constants, intimate parts of my life that lasted a relatively long time, both, the house, the events in that house, the relationship with him, all we did together, living together, loving each other, having a life together, traveling, ending it, all together. The last truly intimate relationship I had, truly meaningful, lasting. Years ago. So, I awoke to that, and the dream of being surrounded by hard core activists, bragging of their prison time, which I dreamed because of the Action Center meeting I went to last night. And, by the way, I feel nothing for Carlos any longer. I'm not fickle, I simply see him as being wishy washy, too shy, not strong and assertive enough, not for me. He does speak out, and that's great, he even spoke at the rally on Saturday, but in general, I have no clue about who he is, he doesn't open himself up at all. Maybe in time, and he is so young, but what I felt for him was clearly of the moment, of the march, of the road trip, of the newness, and not knowing him. I think part of my feelings about him now may also be due to the fact that he has not once addressed my confessional email to him. No acknowledgement at all, as if I never wrote it. I, like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" do not care to be ignored. I am not psychotic, as she was, but I share the feeling. Especially as she was, wined, dined, fucked royally, then ignored....but that's another story. So, last night's meeting was good, interesting, possibly productive in the long run. But tonight Anna and I went to the Coalition meeting to check them out. We'd both attended a meeting or two of theirs before (I wrote about going to the second meeting they ever had, here, in this diary), but we wanted to see what they're planning, should we join them in their efforts, how far are they getting, etc., and it was educational, but still seems sort of disjointed, to me, sort of a lot of talk and not a lot of action. It's all very new. This war may go on for years, and we are all united in that we do oppose the war and the potential for loss of civil liberties, and of course the racial profiling and discrimination against Arab and Middle Eastern people. Well, all people, duh, but in this case, it's what's happening in this country now, with immigrants, with detainments, with harsher immigration laws, and stereotyping and harassment amongst citizens here. So, it's more than just the bombing of Afghanistan, but it's mainly that. That is murder and that needs to stop. Too bad Bennett can't read this, but I do have a proposal, and that is that we need to investigate and find hard and concrete evidence if we want justice for what happened 9/11. We need to convict and try those involved in the planning of the attacks, bring them to justice in an international court. Bombing makes no sense in this situation, it's an inappropriate reaction, more an effort to install troops, to secure rights to oil and a potential pipeline through Afghanistan, a chance to have more control of the government there, not an effort to get the current scapegoat of bin Laden, but hey, that's just me spouting from the Action Center's flyer which I edited last night. Okay, I tried to edit the flyer. It's already in its fourth draft, and it's long, and detailed, and damned good actually, but it needs tweaking and Dianne asked if we would, and I came home and did....no one else has, not yet. See? I want to get involved, I need momentum, it's how I work, I need a desire, a passion, then drive and willpower, a goal, a potential for something concrete, and excitement, enthusiasm, a group effort, and if we're all in different directions I don't feel it, I lose it. I've definitely lost it tonight. Maybe I should just say that it's weird having time off from work. I feel so great not having to go there, to work, but I feel like it's an illusion, this is not real, this is fleeting, and I won't get anything done anyway.....my car is fucked up again, or really as always, just worse......I need to get it looked at, but where do I take it? I need to do so many things, but it's just two extra days, and here I am just wanting to curl up and watch a movie, or "I Love Lucy" or something, I need something familiar, something intimate, something I can hold on to. How can I describe this best? I think it's that feeling of being a foreigner again, and I don't know how Anna can feel so at home here after only 7 months in this country, but I feel I need something to ground me, so I don't freak out like that diarist did. But she was into something else altogether, the lashing out, the attacking, the verbal twisting, abuse, the 180 degree turns, over and over. Rambling, totally rambling. What are some facts? Some documentation? Right, I knew I wasn't the meeting type. Neither is Anna, so we are a good match, perhaps. The walk in the park was great, getting out, with her, feels strange, distant, but good at the same time, in that I'm out where I want to be - it's the being with a relative stranger part that gets to me. We talk, but she doesn't open herself too much. I start to question myself, who am I and how do I relate to people, what do they think while I am talking, what opinions do they form of me, what does Anna think? (just as I was formulating that sentence I got notification of email, and it's from her, Anna - I wonder if her ears were burning...) Okay, I have it, things are changing, things are already very different for me, now, than they were just a few weeks, much less months ago, things are shifting rapidly, so I dream of what's old, what's been, something I know, someone who can comfort me, hold onto me and let me love. It all makes sense really. It's not easy to live in this world, not for anyone, not for anyone in a war torn country, but for no one who lives without love. People know what I mean, but if they have it they take it for granted. To have it and lose it is supposed to be better than never having it at all, but having it and losing it means to know of its absence, and it's the absence that makes it all the more difficult to find meaning and happiness. Anna and Guenter have been together for years, I found out. They met at 16 years old, ballroom dancing. They were friends for years, became lovers only five years ago, their relationship evolved, they wanted to come here, they married, they are here, they will move on. Yes, I will know them both, and they too will move on. This is life. But I? I have immediate and pressing issues, the car I ignore, the apartment I've actually begun to de-clutter (!), and the cats, my writing, reading, and hopefully some photography, some involvement in the anti-war movement, some action taken, work on a web site for the Action Center, a protest outside CNN in November, maybe the Fort Benning protests for the School of the Americas. (Hah! No Google hits if this is locked!) Lots to do if I choose, lots going on, all new, all of it. There must be a way to find comfort in so much change and newness, and this will be what I seek. I can just add here, how fucking fantastic it is not to have to deal with my co-workers for four straight days!!! Whoo Hoo!!!!!! Cost of the War in Iraq
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