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2002-01-15 / 7:31 p.m. ~So Here's the Deal~ Well, first things first, I guess. Sabrina and I ended our day on a good note. We finally found some time to share a little personal info. She asked about the cats, since their photos are around my computer, etc., in my cube, she didn't say she hates cats (a big change from what I'm used to at that job), she told me she has kids, 4 year old twins and a 10 year old, I told her I'm passionate, feel emotions strongly, some people really don't like that, but it's who I am....and she said she picked up on that. On how I am. She's good with picking up on shit, with people, and she says she's honest, she tells it like it is, etc. So, I look forward to working with her. She is awfully slow to learn things though. She's used to call centers, on the other hand, so she should pick up. Heavy volume is nothing new to her. I came home with high energy. I have no idea why. It hit me at the end of the day. A day of being too hot, wearing a camisole under my shirt was stupid, and too stressed, ending with some laughing, some good times, I don't know. I came home jazzed. I ordered pizza and a Greek salad, pigged out, watched "Friends" in syndication, laughed out loud, I feel pretty good. For a change. I overtipped the pizza guy, another Eastern European. Where are these people coming from? I swear, I thought I had this part of town all figured out, but there are immigrants all over the place. Wow. Next time, I should start asking people where they're from...... Alright. How do I even begin this story, and is it even necessary??? Well, Laverne and Rasta have hit it off. This much is clear. They're both from New York City, Queens, Brooklyn, a combination, they are simpatico due to their upbringings, I guess. After D, the Supervisor, chastised Lulu and Rasta for talking, "Am I gonna have to separate you two??", and we had our big meeting about that comment, and we all hugged and had Christmas and everything, well, Lulu and Rasta cooled it, and somehow Laverne and Rasta started in their place. Phone calls, across cubicles, constant, giggling, meeting at the copier, the FAX machine, lunches together. And what's the issue? Um, nothing, except speculation. If you're prone to that sort of thing. Laverne openly admitted her attraction to Rasta early on.....and.....she is married. Can men and women...straight men and women.....be "just friends"? I don't think so. Maybe. Possibly. What the fuck do I care? I know it's incredibly difficult. The thing is, was, whatever, when they talked, for hours, all day, at work, across cubicles, Rasta would have his phone turned off, his Call Center line, the incoming calls line, turned off, and I grew to resent him for goofing off. For not pulling his weight. And, speculation had it that whatever was going on was unsavory. I mentioned it to Lulu, she said she knew, she shook her head, looked away from me, said she wasn't going to get involved. That was a couple weeks ago. I said, "But it's so intimate, you know?? The way they talk, the length of their calls, they're on the phone with each other ALL day, you know? Intimate." That's how I saw it. I didn't think it looked good. I wondered if Laverne went home and told her husband. If Rasta was like a brother to her, or what. Or what? Not my business, I know, but ooooohhhh, fun, fun to speculate. With Lulu. My pal Lulu. HAH! End of that portion of the story, sort of. Once, I wrote Lulu a note. I'd passed Rasta's desk, saw his phone on unavailable status, the red light in the wrong place, he wasn't on his break, yeah, I was monitoring, I was being the supervisor we don't have, I was doing D's job, but I didn't tell Rasta, I told Lulu. Rasta and Laverne are chatting, Rasta isn't even taking calls, I said. Not fair. Not good. I don't like this. Lulu shakes her head, she knows, she nods, stay out of it. Good. Okay. Soooooooo, we go to lunch on Tuesday, I pick up my car, it starts now, I take Lulu to lunch. Why? I don't know. She manipulated me. She'd forgotten her lunch at home, I offered for her to come with me, I didn't offer to pay, but somehow I did. We ordered our Cal-Mex cuisine, we got our food, we sat, first thing, first thing (!), Lulu says, "What do you think about Laverne and Rasta?". I say, "I thought you wanted to stay out of it.", she says, "Yeah, but it's gotten out of hand, don't you think?" And we went from there. She saw Laverne grab Rasta's butt. She's fucking MARRIED, this is not good, she thinks it's an affair, she thinks they're having an affair, she goes on about how Laverne said she wants a day off, a day where she doesn't tell anyone where she's going, and Lulu thinks she's going to be with Rasta. She goes on, my eyes grow wider, it's the topic, THE topic of our lunch conversation. Fun! Yeah, prurient, salacious gossip. Fun, fun, fun. Well, apparently, a day or so later, Lulu corners Laverne in the bathroom, tells her I am on to her, tells her I am going to do something, tell D about the calls, that she, Laverne, needs to "nip it in the bud" before I do whatever. Laverne is livid. (good alliteration, huh?) Livid Laverne lashed lasciviously by Lulu. Or something. Lulu tells Laverne this whole thing about how I'm monitoring the situation. I'm the bad guy, it's all me. I hear Laverne going on about someone being in her business. In fact, I wrote about it here, in this diary, about how I didn't know what the FUCK she was talking about, right? I asked Lulu, "Who is she talking about?", and Lulu shakes her head, won't make eye contact, says she's staying out of it. Little did I know she'd gone to Laverne, in the gossipy bathroom of all places, and told her this song and dance. Little did I know..........until........ Yesterday. Monday. Crappy, sucky, pig-fucky Monday, I hate the world Monday, shoot me now Monday. D comes to me and says, "I need to see you in the back, with Laverne". Oh, great, eyes rolling out of my sockets, what the fuck is it now?, I'm thinking. Little office, closed door, Laverne tells me, after D starts, as mediator, that I am all in her business, what she does is not my business, who she talks to is not my business, why am I monitoring her calls, etc., etc.? Why do I care? Yada, yada, yada. I say, in as many words, that is bullshit, your are full of shit, I don't give a fuck, I only care that Rasta talks to you all day with his phone turned off to outside calls. I want everyone to pull their weight or it's not fair and we're not working as a team. It went on and on, and we hinted at Lulu, we skimmed over her name, we danced around it, we dodged it, it was the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room, until D insisted we bring her in too. Into the little office, door closed, me and three women, us four. Four women in a little room. Hormones. Too much woman. D starts, Lulu is livid. Livid Lulu, Livid Laverne, disgusted me. I told D and Laverne what Lulu did at lunch, how she brought it up, D asks her point blank, did you say this, and Lulu says "No, I did not" and I gasp, I laugh, I say, "Let's get the lie detector in here!", and I am serious. This bible-thumping, church-going Christian woman is lying through her teeth. She has betrayed me, she has drawn me into a drama, and lied about me behind my back, used me to manipulate a situation, then when my cards lie face up on the table, we're all together, mediator included, she has the opportunity to come clean, to clear the Karmic air, she lies. The fucker lies. I say, "Gee, Lulu, shall I tell them the other thing you said, that you'll probably deny now, should I mention the rest of it?" and she says, "Sure". I say, "Well, Lulu says she saw you, Laverne, grab Rasta's butt", and Lulu shakes her head, says, "I did not say that", and she stands, starts with the finger wagging thing African American women do, the "I'm all up in your face wagging my finger, I will not put up with this" stuff. You know it, you've seen it. Sorry to stereotype, but it was right there, I saw it. Silly. Abominably silly. D and Laverne are putting two and two together, they've known me long enough, they know I'm not like this, I'm not a gossip, I don't bullshit, I'm honest, I'm boldfaced honest, honest to a fault, they see it's Lulu, but she's denying even knowing me....almost. She mentions the bathroom, the telling Laverne whatever, warning her.....and D and I say, Warning her about what? "What was it I was going to do, Lulu?", "Yes, Lulu, what did you think _____ was going to do to Laverne? This is a good question." Lulu can barely answer, she's grasping at straws. She says I was "on to them". And Laverne wants to know what it is we thought was going on with her and Rasta. She says they just talk, they're from the same part of the country, it's not our business. It ended with Lulu saying she'd learned a lesson, me saying I did too, I'll never be able to talk to her again, I feel betrayed (and later I thought, and I BOUGHT your fucking lunch!), etc. I came home last night and I couldn't stop shaking my head, tsk, tsking, you know, head shake, tsk, tsk, tsk. Raising my eyebrows, a crooked smile, little dimples below the corners. You know that smile? That, Well, what in the holy fuck can you do?, smile. That one. I said over and over to myself, Wow, I can't believe it. I can't believe Lulu did that. Wow. How could she do that? Sort of like when Terrence dumped me and went back to his ex-girlfriend, the one who set his house on fire. I sat rocking back and forth, crying, saying, How could he do this to me? How could he do this to me? Okay, it wasn't like that at all! But, it was close. Betrayal is betrayal. I didn't cry though. I was closer to laughing. I still laugh a little when I think of it. I racked my brain thinking of things I may have told her, things she may use against me, and would she destroy my cubicle? Spit in my water cup? Cut up my photos of Norma and Gladys? What would she do? Would she retailiate at all??? What would the repercussions be? I used the meeting as an opportunity to come clean, to say, yeah, Laverne, you gossip about celebrities all day long, now it's about you (really, she deserves it, and really, I do believe something is "going on" between her and Rasta, but yeah, if she gives up her marriage for an affair with a younger man, that's her business), here's what Lulu and I said about you at lunch. Yeah, I told the TRUTH, and in walks Lulu, lying, lying, lying, going straight to hell lying, writhing in flames eternally lying, bad, bad, bad Karma lying. Tsk, tsk, tsk. It was insane. It was funny. It was tedious. It was boring. And poor D kept saying, "I never should've heard all this! Oh, I've heard too much now!", etc. D had left the little office to fetch Lulu, left Laverne and me sitting for a bit, and I said things like, "God, I HATE this place! Working with a bunch of women! Too much estrogen! Too much crap! Men don't work like this! I'm just here to WORK! I need the money! I'd walk out of here right this second if I could afford it!". Stuff like that. And she said similar things. I wanted to call Lulu at home last night so badly I could taste it. I was dying to call her, to say, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO???!!!! I BOUGHT YOU LUNCH! YOU BITCH!". But, I didn't. I could barely concentrate on anything. The movie helped. "Walking and Talking", the lovely Catherine Keener. The ridiculous Anne Heche. "Guding Light". It helped. But I tossed and turned in bed. I awoke thinking of it. I dreaded work. I'd refuse Rasta's hugs. I wouldn't look at Lulu, nor Laverne. I had it planned. Laverne said, "Good Morning", to me, I guess, she never says it to my name, nor my face, just to my side or back. I ignored her. Mean, I know, I couldn't bare to look at her. Lulu either. Rasta didn't offer a hug, no hug to refuse. I was training, all day. All day. I know Lulu has told Penelope. But Penelope is fair, she will judge for herself. Who else is Lulu telling? What other lies is she spreading? Does she know what she is doing? Is she a compulsive liar? Does she have a psychological problem? Something big? Is she medicated? Is she a nasty gossip-spreading horror of a woman? Or was it a lapse of judgment? Did she want to address Laverne herself, but not have the courage, so she used me instead? Lying, manipulative, two-faced bitch. Problem is, I'm bound to forgive her, to want to talk to her. I almost did a few times today, had to remind myself to hate her. To be mad, at least. And the thing is, another thing, that is, last year at this time I was buds with Bill, a temp. Bill and I were sympatico, like Rasta and Laverne. We were both single though, no spouses in the way, we talked all day, over the tops of our cubicles, and D told us to stop. I wonder if we'd been on the phone if it would have been okay......I want to ask D. It's killing me, I'm dying to ask. "D, excuse me, but I have to ask, since it's perfectly fine for Laverne and Rasta to talk to each other on the phone ALL day, unlike Lulu and Rasta, whom you threatened to physically separate (is Lulu jealous????), would it have been acceptable, to you, if Bill and I had been talking on the phone all that time last year? I mean, it's not okay for some people to talk, but for others it is, why is that?", and Why the FUCK do you make up the rules as you go along? Sabrina looked aghast when I told her I trained D. Yep, I trained D, she is now my supervisor. Funny, huh? Hah, hah, hah!!!!!! That's the gist. That's the basic story. Lulu stabbed me in the back, after I bought her lunch, which really pisses me off, that I was generous with her, I treated her like a friend, but she is really just a ......well, you know. Yeah, I want to do more, you know me, I want justice. I abhor injustice. I know Karma will rear its head with everyone sooner or later, but it would be sweet to see it, you know? I want to tell Laverne everything Lulu said, but she would ask Lulu if she really said it, and Lulu would look her right in the eye (Jesus, right in the fucking eye! Can we get her to swear with her hand on a bible????) and lie. She'd lie. *Sigh* I love my job. "24" comes on soon. That show has me totally sucked in. And there's a new season of "Real World" on aftert that. My belly is full with Greek salad and pizza. My headache is a dull memory now. The day-long tension headache subsiding for the night. Tomorrow is another day. I'll have my cube to myself. What will happen with Lulu? Lulu and me? Laverne and me? Laverne and Lulu? Who knows. But I've digested all of it. I've seen both sides. Hey, Judy Collins: "I've looked at life from both sides now.......".....I'll never forget any of this. I may forgive, may want to forget, but it's there, it's never going away. I even told D, in the heat of it, while I was under attack, before the Lulu lying episode, I said, "I HATE this place!". It's no secret. Ahhhhhh....but I came home and my life began. This is where I am me, where there is nothing but me, the girls, my life, my things, my interests, passions, no one to lie to me, to judge me, to criticize. I am me with me, accepting, loathing, loving, being inside of me, and that's the only place I want to be. Bliss, to be home. Just me and the girls. Cost of the War in Iraq
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