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Friday, Mar. 12, 2004 / 8:32 p.m. ~Three Lovers In Three Ways~ She says, "Everything happens for a reason", and I speak my first thought, "That's what they say", and she repeats herself, clarifies, "Everything, every little thing, happens for a reason", and I repeat myself, "That's what they say", a little different inflection on the end there, sort of lilting and turned up, and she says, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", and I think she repeats that too, as if she's really not talking to me at all, but trying to convince herself this is true. On her second point I'm thinking, Why am I always the only agnostic? And then, I wish I had her faith, I wish I believed that too, but I simply do not. I don't know why anything happens, none of it, and I've experienced too much pain to think there is some GOD up above thinking I can surely handle a bit more, yeah, I'm tough, give it to me, baby. Right now is filled with irony. If there were a way I could describe it and know it would be safe here, I would. Backtracking just a bit, let's rewind altogether, and I'm just going with this, there is no plan more than that first sentence. That was it, I just felt it would be a good start, to something. It was a beautiful day. Even the cold was not too cold, in the morning. I pulled my hair up and back to take my shower, not washing it today (we've rewound a good bit, haven't we?), and it hung down in the ever popular and very sexy, some think, tendrils around my neck. Sloppy, basically, as since the last time I chopped at it with scissors in my bathroom I cut it a bit too short in front and now it's impossible to get a decent 'ponytail'. Still, this was the start, me with energy, me with messy just-showered hair, wet around the edges, me with sweater, no coat, but chilled just enough, me heading out in the crisp early morning, me getting to work, working with Kukla by some strange accident, me listening to Kukla's tales of womanly woes, her repro organs all askance and askew, me working with her until she called it quits and moved on and I did as well. It was a day, so unlike yesterday. Energy, good, good energy, high, sensual, sexual, positive, cosmos-induced good clean bright and shiny positive feelings energy. Site Manager said this was the day, and he worked on my car in the parking lot, and made it all fantastic by doing little things, and the one semi not so little thing, and I went out to check, and I was out, and in, and skipped my break, then went home at lunch, and the car needed more tweaking, so tweak he did, all was tweaked, and we engaged in a test ride, as he drove, I rode, and I let him drive my car, I encouraged him, and no one drives my car, but me. I only. And it was good. And everything happens for a reason. And things were better than the horrible awful day yesterday, and it was duly noted in my own way that this was a vast improvement, and it lay with me, now didn't it?, didn't I make this happen?, or was it the weather, or was it someone saying he would do something for weeks and weeks and finally coming through meant so much?, and was it that I like certain people, some people I truly enjoy, and some days I truly enjoy most of them? So it was the end of the day proved just as interesting and enjoyable, and I had horoscopes running through my head, "You will meet new people and find growth within from the meetings of them" or some such, as I sat with a coworker I barely know and I asked her questions and she told me more than I would ever ask, but she spilled it all, and I wondered at this power I have. The way I can bring this out of people. The way I sit and listen, and ask a question or two, and they're always just right, aren't they?, and before I know what hit me I'm seeing family photos and I'm hearing stories of college parties and growing up in a huge family, and girls being boys and girls being girls and people tell me everything. At some point I sink back inside myself while I'm still listening, and I think, Huh, this person knows nothing about me, but look how she/he is telling me so much, and I wonder if I could interject, just about... here... nope, she/he is still going on, and it's interesting, but does it matter that I am the one who is listening, or could I be anyone, could it be anyone in this moment, the listener, or is it my gift alone? I felt social. It felt right. I liked her, and suddenly she was not at all anything I thought she was, and I realized that behind the quiet facade lies a wild young woman, and she said too much, she hinted that she is going to divorce her husband, who so happens to also work with us in the office... Then there was the man who owns the company that cleans our offices, and he and I chatted, quickly, it happened so fast, and we've chatted before, as he is chatty, he is one of those friendly types, the type who asks your name and remembers it and uses it the next he sees you. And he makes you laugh, and you overhear him telling someone else too much information about his life, so you really know more than he may realize you know, but there is, asking you questions, because he listens like you do. One of those people. And he asked if I'd like to ride with him on his Harley, and I would. I am scared of falling off a motorcyle and being badly injured, or killed, but I do love them. This was how it ended, the week, and I was flying in my plaid Chucks, and my jeans and my Hanes men's pocket front long sleeved t-shirt, and I was excited to drive my car for a change, and I pushed it on the highway, really gave it gas, shifting higher than usual, and it warms up now, it no longer runs cold, and I was excited, and happy, and I had plans, with myself, plans Harley man found so sad, but I said, "No, don't be sad, it's not sad, I'm going to take myself to dinner and a movie, you know, because there is no one I want to go with, or people I would ask cannot go, or, well, don't be sad, it's not sad, I am good company", my standard line, but I canceled my plans. I am not going anywhere. No dinner out, no movie. I am going to microwave some popcorn and see what's on the digital cable. I had plans, but something came up. My psyche. My subconscious mind subverted my conscious mind, it was a mind coup, it was a mind fuck, and now the irony-filled early evening has usurped the plans set early in the day. I am a prisoner of my own device. Devise? Either way, all the 'it doesn't matter's of yesterday have resurfaced and I am caving in with it all. I am supremely optimistic, do not ever think I am negative, you're missing it if you think that, I am so so so so so positive, but I am needy. I need reassurance, I need sincerity, I don't relate well to others. I have one man wanting me, and one not. Guess which one I want. No, guess. It's absurd, really. Cue Neil Young's "I Am a Child". In fact, in honor of the occasion, I shall now play it on my Winamp player... I even have two different versions. It's the melody. I don't understand the lyrics, and they don't apply to me, thusly, but it's the title, the melody, it's beautiful. Do I only want what I can't have? Have I ever been what someone else wanted at the same time I also wanted that someone? No. Is it ever mutual, any of it? I think I prefer the live version, with Crazy Horse, to the stale studio version. Neil Young, check it out. Seems either you love him or you hate him, but this song, listen to it, see what you think. I'm listening... I don't think it means anything, I don't think he meant anything when he wrote these lyrics, or like me, sometimes he just writes to write, and no one else could possibly understand. So, I'm rationalizing it this way, I am saving money, potentially a lot of money, as I am extravagant when I go out. And, what I don't spend today I can spend tomorrow, and, if I so choose, it turns out the movie I was going to see is actually showing at several different times, at theatres very close to here, even a showing at 12:25 a.m.! Isn't that crazy, who knew they still showed movies so late? Ah well, I don't like canceling, not even with myself, and Kukla and I postponed our dinner this week, twice, have yet to reschedule, so it's been one long pig fuck of a week. And there is someone who would love to see me, tonight, now, but oddly enough, he is not the one I want to be seeing. So fucked up. Cost of the War in Iraq
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