Monday, Feb. 16, 2004 / 7:00 p.m.

~What the Fuck Ever~

I'm so angry about the media blackballing of Sharpton and Kucinich right now. Dan Rather actually referred to Edwards and Dean (after a lengthy story on Kerry) as the 'two remaining foes' of President Bush. THE TWO REMAINING FOES. As if Kucinich isn't even running, nor Sharpton. I'm beyond disgusted. Really. I can't stand how this makes me feel.

I can't sit here and refuse to be discouraged, I don't share Kucinich's optimism, he's being ridiculed, ignored, blackballed, no other word for it, he has been since he declared candidacy. He appreciates that so many people are aware of him and his views, his stance on any issue, but he even referred to us as a 'secret society' when he was in town a week ago.

No secret society can take over this country. But goddammit, I want a fucking revolution. I don't want an M16 wielding John Kerry in my fucking White House. My tax dollars pay the salary of the president, I get to choose, and he is not my choice, and I'm so fucking tired of the media telling me who to choose.

I can think for myself, thank god, but what about all the sheep in this country? And those who were so disgusted at the last election/debacle they won't even leave their homes to vote? They don't even give a rat's ass about this primary season. Super Tuesday? What?

Jesus. I'm just so damned mad about this. I was okay until I turned on the news, and you know I had to, because I have to hear how Dan Rather and CBS spin it, and for them to blatantly ignore Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton, as if they are not even running, as if they're no better than the Mickey Mouse write-ins on election day, well, I don't even know what to say. Write them a letter? Why? What the fuck good would it do?

Evil white men have always been in charge, since the beginning, since the Europeans came here and stole the land from the Native peoples. Gave them smallpox and raped their women, killed the men. And they've been breeding, and each successful generation has been fucking everyone in their path ever since. Nothing will ever change.

Where's the revolution? Kucinich said, "It will not be televised", as Gil Scott Heron wrote, but it has to be because everyone is WATCHING. How do you reconcile THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING with THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED????

I was going to sit here and write about how my life has changed, how I used to cook, and clean, and live, like a normal person, and this is the same old story, I've told it so many times I'm sick of hearing it, but I work, I get online, I watch TV, there's not much more. No cleaning, no cooking, I can't even shop.

This is what I wanted to say. I went to the store after work, the Farmer's Market/Whole Foods, and I bought grapes, a couple navel oranges, two apples, more potstickers, more dumpling sauce, milk, bread, garlic stuffed olives, Thai rice noodles, and a sandwich. This is how I shop. I can't seem to plan, can't seem to look up recipes and cook for myself. It's horrible.

I only buy what will fit in one of my canvas bags, or maybe I walk in with two of them, and I just bought a third last week, wishful thinking, but that's it. I buy what looks good, and I eat microwave popcorn when I'm hungry.

It's a wonder I'm alive. I credit the numerous vitamins I ingest nightly (yes, nightly, I don't eat breakfast, so I take them at night, with my biggest meal) with preventing malnutrition from ravaging my body.

This is not the life I want. This is not my choice, but it must be. If I truly wanted a fulfilling existence I'd make it happen, right? How?

I never wanted to work, but reality checks have steered me here, to this, working for a living, and finding escape, bits of entertainment to take my mind off things.

I'm so distracted now, some idiot is borderline harassing me with his stupidity. I need to clean house here online.

Grrr...

Um, right, what the fuck ever.

(Addendum to add: When Norman comes up to me and burps, all the rest ceases to exist - suddenly it's all put in perspective. Everything is okay, and I'm excited I have more potstickers and dumpling sauce, and the LJ idiot that is sticking in my craw right now is that, an idiot, and I'll get rid of him. Life goes on. The Interweb is weird. And I will clean this place, and I will shop, and I will plan actual meals, and I will have people over, to break bread with me, and I will love someone again, and I will have sex, lots of it, and I will move from here, and live someplace else, and be happy. There, it's in writing now.)

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