|
Saturday, Mar. 19, 2005 / 7:32 p.m. ~My List, Per Jon Cainer~ Sorry, Norma Chomsky, but you have to get off my lap so I can put the keyboard here and pound this one out while Diaryland is up and running (a Diaryland outage?, quel horreur!). I've just listened to my online astrologer (makes me sound like a total nut, eh?), one Jonathan Cainer, and his personal forecast for me, as an Aries, for this week upcoming, starting today actually (yes, I pay for this, nut times two, fine, whatever, at least I'm not a fundamentalist Christian - oh, you ask yourself, Which is worse?), and apparently this is a way funky propitious auspicious and wild and crazy astrological astronomical week. Let's see what I understand of it, Mercury is now retrograde, and in Aries, and this means everything will be wonky for me personally, but... Venus is going to be in Aries, which means really good things, and then there is a triple conjunction, and damn if I cannot remember the planets which are all lining up in a most unusual way, but the combination of these things, according to Cainer, means that I will have opportunities tapping on my shoulder, and all I've got to do is remain open, heart, mind, soul, and seize what needs the seizing, stop with the self-deprecating bullshit, and the lack of confidence which is nothing more than some fabricated ruse anyway, and get on with what's right in front of me. He suggested I make a list of what I'd like to happen, of what I'd like to change, and whom I'd like to see change, and so I take this opportunity, the first of many I'm counting on now (thanks, Jon!), to note some things here: 1. Yes, I'd like to win the lottery. Is this a lofty goal? Perhaps, but you cannot believe what it felt like today when I phoned the hotline to check last night's numbers and the first number called was the first number on my ticket. For a moment, however brief, I imagined all my numbers being called, and what my reaction would be... before I crumpled my losing ticket and threw it in the trash. I always thought I'd collect a vast sum one day, because I feel lucky, and because a woman once held my hand after shaking it, and glowed, said she could not believe what she saw in my future. 2. More realistically? I need a new job. I applied for the first one yesterday, and was more excited than I should have been. It pays less than I'm making now, a lot less, but it's what I might really like, really prefer to be doing. So I hoped, and I expected a call back immediately, and I was childlike and optimistic, and I shared with a coworker and my supervisor, who are now jaded and bitter and have seemed desperately looking for months now. I tell them I wonder what they're doing wrong, but that is unkind. I know I've never failed to find 'something', as soon as I've begun to look. Still, I'd like for some opportunity for gainful employment, earning MORE than I earn now, to head my way, something fun, something different, something totally different, a job I could really LOVE. 3. Speaking of love, I'd love to be in love. I'd love to be loved. Possibly more than anything in the world. Love makes the world go 'round. Love is all you need. Love is a many splendoured thing. Etc. Ultimately, it would be wonderful if the one I once thought felt something for me really did, and expressed that, finally, instead of avoiding me. I could add a caveat here, a disclaimer even, but I will not, I will simply say there are a lot of people in the world, and I've only met a small fraction of them, and hoping for the unattainable is not healthy, yet it's hard to let go of something that was once. That memory of 'but, he said...' remains. Maybe in this number, what is it, three?, I could say I'd like to feel loved and have the opportunity to love, and have it be secure and right, regardless. 4. My car. At times I want it fixed, completely, but then I wake up and realize how very much is wrong with it. I am afraid to drive it, always. It makes a lot of noises, it has been inspected by various mechanics and they all say different things, but the proverbial bottom line is that it is old and tired and I DESPERATELY want a new one. Now, taking a job making less money, despite a healthy severance check, is not going to help me with my aim to purchase a brand new car, and I do want a BRAND NEW one, I do, so I'm not sure the answer here, but if any opportunity is headed my way, and it's not love, please let it be money or a way to get a new car. I want the freedom of being able to get in a car and GO. It's not too much to ask. I want simple things. Love, freedom, happiness, creativity, productivity. 5. Happiness. Happiness for me would be a lack of worry, and a sense of freedom. Today I watched a portion of a documentary on Arab women who must wear veils in public, yet sexy lingerie at home for their husbands, so their husbands will want to be with them... instead of with one of their 'other wives'. I heard one ask why the rest of the world is free and she and her sisters are not, why must she live the way she lives? Why can't she experience freedom? Circumstance is the answer to that one. She was born there, I was born here. I wear no veil, but sister, I need a car, I need clothes to keep my body warm, I need a shelter to protect me from the elements, food to nourish my body, entertainment to nourish my soul. I need love to survive. I was thinking yesterday of the way my cat Norma loves me, how she loves me no matter what. No matter what. She pisses me off, I yell at her, she bites me when I piss her off, I smack her, I bite her back, she eats sisal fiber off the scratch post and throws up, to get my attention, quite purposefully, I call her a bitch, yet she watches me leave for work every morning, she meets me at the door, she follows me from room to room, she sleeps draped across my legs, she head butts me as I make my coffee in the morning, she looks at me and closes her eyes slowly and begins to purr, and she tells me I am her life and she is mine, and she loves me more than anyone ever could, and I know this to be true. Without this? Nothing. I cherish it, and her, each and every day. But, face facts, I need a job, I have a deadline. I do not want to go on unemployment. I need a new car, to get to my new job. I need money, more than I'm making now, or I can never afford the new car to get me to the new job. And I need love after Norma is gone, and the other cat, what's her name. And I would like a partner in this life, to share my life with, and I need to be happy, or there is no point to any of it. One more point, but it feels moot. I need to renew my apartment lease already. The manager said she'd get back to me on the rent amount, after she got approval, by Friday, and that was two Fridays ago. Mercury retrograde or regular grade, let's get these things going, shall we? Cost of the War in Iraq
(JavaScript Error)
Recent Entries: It Was 40 Years Ago Today - 9:44 a.m. , Friday, Oct. 12, 2012 Dead Black Cat - 9:07 a.m. , Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2012 As Seen From Outer Space - 1:07 a.m. , Saturday, Dec. 05, 2009 I Survived to Tell the Tale - 7:29 a.m. , Friday, Sept. 18, 2009 Reading My Life - 12:55 p.m. , Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009 
  |